DREB CHAPTER 94

Li Yan had no way to respond to that question, nor did he understand why Lu Lianning would say, “treat everyone kindly.” After all, Lu Zerui was also his child.

He hadn’t known Lu Lianning would come today and, naturally, hadn’t prepared any food for him. Now that he had shown up unexpectedly, there wasn’t enough to go around.

Lu Lianning sat dejectedly on the small stool in Li Yan’s home, waiting. Meanwhile, Lu Zerui, no longer seeming to mind the heat, stubbornly wrapped the red scarf around his neck twice, sitting close to Lu Lianning as if to spite him.

When Li Yan turned around and saw the two of them, he silently turned back again. He divided his meal in half, scooped it into a bowl, and brought it over to Lu Lianning.

But when the food was placed on the table, Lu Lianning noticed that both his and Li Yan’s bowls were barely half full, while Lu Zerui’s bowl was overflowing. Realizing what was happening, he pushed his bowl back toward Li Yan. “You eat. I already ate before I came.”

Li Yan glanced up at him briefly.

Lu Lianning looked frustrated. He passed his food back to Li Yan, sensing he might be a bit of a burden. Casting another glance at Lu Zerui’s bright red scarf, he suddenly stood up and said, “Forget it, I’ll go. You two eat.”

He moved quickly. In just a few strides, his long legs carried him out the door.

Li Yan, confused by his sudden shift in mood, stood up and took two steps forward. “Hey, you…”

But as Lu Lianning stepped outside and shut the door, Li Yan stopped. Only then did he realize what he had done, looking down at the two steps he had taken with some confusion.

Fear began to creep into him, as if the tall walls he had built over decades to keep his distance from Lu Lianning had crumbled from just those two small steps forward.

Seeing that Lu Lianning had left, Lu Zerui, who had been holding back, finally spoke up. “Not only did he try to steal my scarf, but he also wanted to take your food!”

Li Yan paused, turning to look at Lu Zerui’s face, which was almost identical to Lu Lianning’s. Silently, he returned to his seat at the table, absently poking at the food in his bowl.

Thinking he had upset Li Yan with his words, Lu Zerui quickly quieted down, eating with his head lowered, his small mouth greasy from the food.

He had no idea of the turmoil churning inside Li Yan.

On Sunday evening, Lu Lianning didn’t come to pick up Lu Zerui; instead, it was Lin Cheng who drove over.

Li Yan walked Lu Zerui to the car. Glancing at the driver, he saw it was Lin Cheng. He didn’t say much, but just as he was about to turn away, his eyes met Lin Cheng’s.

Lin Cheng said, “He’s busy today.”

Li Yan replied curtly, “I didn’t ask.”

After saying goodbye to Lu Zerui, he turned and went back inside.

That night, as Li Yan lay in bed, he couldn’t sleep. Something felt off.

What was that smell?

He leaned closer to the bed and sniffed, then pulled the blanket over and inhaled again.

Bitter orange. The scent of bitter orange. It was everywhere, overwhelming.

This wasn’t right. Why hadn’t he noticed this smell when Lu Zerui was living with him? Now that Lu Zerui was gone, the scent was suddenly so strong.

Was it just his imagination? Or was something wrong with his sense of smell?

Finally, Li Yan threw off the covers in frustration, got out of bed, slipped on his shoes, and rushed out the door.

Late at night, Liu Qing heard knocking on his door. He walked over and opened it, finding Li Yan standing there with a bottle of alcohol in hand.

This was unusual, especially since, in recent years, Li Yan had stopped drinking and smoking.

Surprised, Liu Qing invited him in.

Li Yan glanced at Liu Qing, seeming to realize that showing up so late at night might be a bit inconsiderate. With a hint of awkwardness, he said, “I just wanted to talk.”

Liu Qing was happy to oblige. “What’s on your mind? It’s great you came! Plus, your sister-in-law’s visiting family, so it’s just us two brothers. We can talk all night if we want; no one’s here to stop us!”

They sat at the table, and Liu Qing opened the bottle Li Yan had brought. Chuckling, he teased, “You even brought the alcohol yourself. Now that’s a rare sight.”

Sitting down, Li Yan watched as Liu Qing poured the drinks. “I’ve got some things on my mind.”

Liu Qing asked, “What’s bothering you? Tell me, your brother will help you figure it out.”

Li Yan opened his mouth but, for a moment, didn’t know where to start. Then, as if making up his mind, he grabbed the open bottle and took a long swig, gulping down the liquor until it was nearly empty. Pushing the bottle aside, he let out a small burp.

He said to Liu Qing, “During the year I was treating Chen Yu’s illness… I met someone…”

Hearing this opening, Liu Qing immediately realized it was a matter of the heart, and his demeanor grew more attentive.

Li Yan blinked, as if lost in memories.

“He had a terrible temper, but his salary was so high I had no choice but to tolerate him. I worked hard just to keep him satisfied. At the time, he was financially supporting a lover, while I was struggling, hounded by loan sharks every day. I didn’t even dare go to the hospital to see Xiao Yu, because I couldn’t afford his surgery. That’s when I started thinking… maybe I could do the same thing…”

“In the end, I succeeded, but he never gave me any money. He used to support others, but not me. I wondered if it was because he thought I wasn’t worth it. But then his father came looking for me, and that’s when I realized he didn’t have any money left. To repay what he had borrowed for me, he even rehearsed for an event, even though he hated doing those things.”

“I started to think that maybe he saw me differently. But back then, I didn’t have the time or energy to consider it. The gap between us was just too wide. So, I resigned and decided to cut ties with him.”

“Then, one of his childhood friends stepped in and offered to help me raise the money. By that time, the loan sharks had already found Xiao Yu. I had no other choice, so I accepted the offer. But when I got there, it wasn’t what we’d agreed on. They even drugged me. By the time I managed to escape, I was barely conscious. I stumbled downstairs and ran into him. He took me away, and we had a huge fight. He went crazy, got physical, and called me cheap…”

“That’s when our relationship truly started to fall apart. We fought several times. I couldn’t win against him, got beaten up, and couldn’t escape. I was worried sick about Xiao Yu’s condition, but he kept stopping me from going out every day. I couldn’t understand his rage. Later, he took me to another city and still wouldn’t let me go. I was desperate. I grabbed a knife and threatened him. I was about to escape when his family’s butler caught me. I didn’t even make it to the gate before they dragged me back.”

“Then he completely lost it, probably thinking I was trying to kill him.” Li Yan’s mood became somber as he continued, “After that, he locked me in an empty room. I never knew that pure white could be so terrifying. And he had people come in and inject me with something!”

Li Yan’s voice grew more agitated as if he could still feel the terror from back then. “You can’t imagine how cruel someone has to be to lock up a person who’s terrified of needles and force them to get injections every day!”

To Li Yan, nothing could be more horrifying.

Liu Qing couldn’t hold back any longer and cursed, “What a beast! What was he injecting you with!”

Li Yan’s voice lowered slightly. “I… I don’t know, but after the injections, I’d feel incredibly hot, and then…” He paused, choosing his words before continuing, “I’d desperately want to sleep with him…” From the look on Li Yan’s face, it was clear he wasn’t talking about any ordinary kind of sleeping.

Before Liu Qing could fully process it, Li Yan confirmed his suspicions. The alcohol was taking effect, his face flushed as he vented, “And he wouldn’t just sleep with me right away. He made me beg him before he’d even come near me.”

“He made me say what he wanted to hear, against my will. If I said something wrong, he’d inject me again. After a while, I felt like I was losing my mind and on the verge of a breakdown. I don’t remember much of what happened. He only let me go when he saw I couldn’t take it anymore. My memory of that time is so blurred. I still don’t understand why, after being trapped in that pure white room, I developed a fear of the dark when I finally got out.”

“It’s like he was truly disturbed. I couldn’t sleep because I was terrified of the dark. I ended up sleeping in the bathroom. When he found out, he got angry again. He sulked for two or three days but eventually left a small lamp on in the room for me. But then, he couldn’t sleep because of the light. I could hear him tossing and turning at night for about a month before he finally got used to it.”

“He was always like that. He’d hurt me, but it didn’t seem to make him feel any better. It’s strange—he wasn’t happy, but he kept doing it anyway.”

Li Yan suddenly remembered something else. “And he’s so petty. You’ve never met anyone as petty as him. Once, he caught me watering the flowers in the yard for the butler. After that, he wouldn’t let me go into the garden anymore. He locked me inside and made me tend to the flowers in his greenhouse. I never expected someone like him to be so obsessed with flowers. He didn’t seem like the type at all.”

“He had so many flowers, but he wouldn’t take care of them himself. He made me plant them and had the butler nag me to water them. It was so frustrating. I didn’t want to take care of those delicate things. I wanted to grow vegetables instead.” Li Yan took another swig from the bottle.

“But he really seemed to like them. I cut some flowers for his study, and his mood improved for a while. He even let me go outside. The moment I could go outside, of course, I tried to escape.” Li Yan glanced at Liu Qing. “Then, as you know, I went to Master Qin Liu’s place, but he found me again.”

“When he caught me and took me back, he lost it all over again. He played with me in a particularly twisted way that you just can’t imagine.” Li Yan shook his head, his face even redder. “You just can’t understand how someone can be so perverted. And eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore…”

“He took me to see a doctor, and the doctor said it was a psychological issue—that I was afraid that if I recovered, he’d start it all over again. I was too scared; it had become a mental disorder.”

“I’m not sure what the doctor told him, but for the next half a year, we didn’t do anything. Sometimes, when I passed by his study, I could hear him smashing things inside, only to pick them up again, muttering the doctor’s advice to himself.”

That was the fourth year. By then, the cat Li Yan had raised was chubby, resembling a well-fed piglet, and the ornamental miniature sunflowers in the garden had shot up tall, looking almost like some kind of mutant breed.

Li Yan’s daily routine revolved around watching basketball games, eating beef ramen on the weekends, and coming home to feed the cat. He’d sneak the cat into the bedroom, pretending to sleep with one eye half-open, watching Lu Lianning come in with a sulky expression to clean up the cat hair. Afterward, Lu Lianning would shower, climb into bed, and hold Li Yan as they slept together. They wouldn’t do anything else, just sleep.

The bedroom lights stayed on, day and night. The scent of flowers drifted through the door, filling the room. It was always over 20 degrees inside—never too cold in winter, never leaking on rainy days.

At the end of the year, Li Yan even received a small nightlight from Lu Lianning.

Li Yan often thought back to that time—a rare period of peace in his life. No more fearful avoidance of random beatings on the street, no more towering hospital bills to face.

Li Yan said, “It was a really beautiful lamp. I thought we were together. For someone as proud as him, he even helped me with his mouth… I never expected that once I was healed, he’d ask me if I was faking it. But I really wasn’t.” Li Yan’s face flushed, his voice trailing off as it grew softer.

Li Yan closed his eyes before continuing, “After the new year, I saw the news about his engagement.” His gaze turned vacant. “That was my wake-up call. He and I were never from the same world. The gap between us was just too wide. All of his past lovers were so beautiful and exceptional—nothing like me. Even those rumored affairs of his that made it to entertainment news stopped once I was around. I guess he thought I wasn’t worth showing off. He used to say I was old and ugly all the time…”

Li Yan looked sad. “I’m only two years older than him…”

“His fiance was a good person, attractive and from a prominent family. I met him when he came to the house once, and I made a meal for him. He was kind to me and didn’t make things difficult; he only asked me to redo the soup.”

Li Yan felt bitter. “He was quite cute. Later, I used some subtle ways to test him, and it was clear he liked his fiance a lot. He told me that once his fiance moved in, they’d sleep together in bed, while I’d have to sleep under it. He knew full well that I’m afraid of the dark, but it seemed like he’d forgotten, now that he liked someone else.”

“By that time, the conflicts between us had gotten really bad. We argued often because I’d made some friends, and he became paranoid. Even though he already had a fiance, he still acted as if he was the most wronged. Early on, when we fought, I’d lie on the bed with my eyes closed, and he’d still be by my ear, insisting he hadn’t hit me that hard and asking why I’d hit him so hard…”

“I couldn’t stand him being that way. No one could.” Li Yan repeated as if trying to convince himself. “I thought, fine, let him get married. Maybe he’d finally leave me alone. Maybe this would be the end for us.”

In his relationship with Lu Lianning, he was always the one most likely to feel like walking away.

“In the end, he didn’t get married and stopped liking that person for some reason. By then, I already hated him so much that I couldn’t stand living with him anymore. We often argued because of friends. Afterward, he became even more erratic. Somehow, he got me pregnant, but at first, he lied and said I’d just gained weight.”

Pain flickered in Li Yan’s eyes. “I’m a Beta. I didn’t even know I could get pregnant. I was completely shattered, unable to accept it. I felt like he had no respect for me or my life.”

Liu Qing’s expression was filled with shock, his face almost splitting apart as his gaze fell on Li Yan’s stomach. Just as he was about to speak, Li Yan continued.

“I was tormented like that, and eventually, I lost my mind. I had always been someone who desperately wanted to live, but during that time, everything felt so dark. I couldn’t stop thinking about dying. He must’ve been terrified because he eventually apologized, but it was too late by then. I didn’t want to forgive him.”

“After I gave birth, he saw how crazy I had become and finally let me go. When I left, I said some harsh things, but I still wanted to die. Since he wouldn’t let me die in front of him, I decided to return to Wujingwan Town and end things beside Chen Yaxin. I wanted to pretend none of it had happened—that I’d never even met him—and to finish it where it all never began. I wonder, if I had left with Chen Yaxin back then, would all these painful things never have happened? I feel like I wronged Chen Yaxin…”

Li Yan continued, “Just when I was ready to die, you found me. You brought me back, and I started to come to my senses. I remember thinking, why would you be wandering through the cemetery in the middle of the night unless you were looking for me? How did you know I had returned?” Li Yan’s eyes rested on Liu Qing.

Liu Qing opened his mouth but said nothing.

“Later, when you gave me those supplements, I became certain it was still him. The label peeled off, and I saw they were antidepressants.”

“That’s when I realized—he still didn’t want to let me go. He was afraid I’d die. Even if I didn’t die in front of him, he still wasn’t willing to leave me alone. He wanted me to keep living.”

“There’s no one in this world who’s treated me so badly yet cared so much.” Li Yan’s tears fell as he blinked. “I don’t usually pity myself, but whenever I mention him, I can’t help but cry. My heart aches and feels suffocated.”

“It feels like my heart is breaking,” Li Yan said, tears clinging to his eyelashes. His face, looking drunk, turned toward Liu Qing. “I’m sorry. I’ve kept this bottled up for so long, and there’s no one else I can talk to.”

He asked, “Do you think I should still be with him?”

Li Yan seemed to realize that he had only talked about Lu Lianning’s bad qualities. Trying to be fair, he added, “He’s actually pretty pitiful too. He’s gone crazy like this, and no one has the nerve to tell him. His friends are all a little off, and his father doesn’t care or give him any treatment. He even makes him work hard every day. There was a time when he was only getting four hours of sleep before having to go to work…”

“But now, he seems to be more stable and better at controlling his emotions…”

Li Yan finished speaking and asked again, “Do you think we should still be together?”

Liu Qing, having listened from “my heart is breaking” to “no one treated me so badly yet cared so much” and now to “do you think we should still be together,” felt an indescribable sense of familiarity.

With a sigh, Liu Qing admitted, “Actually, a couple of days before you came back, someone came to see me. They brought a lot of cash, but I refused and told them to leave. I did keep the medicine, though.”

Li Yan’s tears splashed onto the table, and he wiped his eyes with his hand.

Watching those tears, Liu Qing suddenly understood where this strange feeling of familiarity was coming from. It was from a magazine he’d taken home from Uncle Liu’s closed bookstore. Just yesterday, he had read the Q&A section of the relationship advice column while in the bathroom.

Hurriedly, he made up an excuse to slip away to the restroom, where he flipped back to that same page from the day before.

Before he could even take a look, there was a thud from the living room as Li Yan bumped into a chair, immediately followed by the shattering sound of a breaking bottle.

Li Yan stumbled toward the bathroom, clearly needing to relieve himself after all the drinking. Liu Qing quickly closed the magazine and opened the door, quoting a line he’d just glimpsed, “Those who have truly made up their minds don’t ask questions. If you keep asking, it means your heart isn’t firm yet. Pursuing love is something we all…”

Before Liu Qing could finish, Li Yan interrupted, thanking him, “Thank you, Liu-ge. I understand now!”

Li Yan patted Liu Qing on the shoulder and pushed him out of the bathroom.