The next day at noon, Li Yan slowly walked out of the bedroom, leaning against the wall as he descended from the second floor. Halfway down the stairs, he suddenly stopped. At the bottom of the staircase, Lu Zerui stood looking up at him with squinted eyes.
Lu Zerui wore a small yellow bucket hat and a pair of dark blue rubber boots, speckled with mud. A little backpack rested on his back, with a dragonfly-catching net sticking out.
His face was smudged with dirt, and he looked at Li Yan, who had just emerged from the bedroom in loose cotton pajamas, with a slightly disbelieving expression. Staring at him, he opened his mouth and called out, “Li Yan?”
Seeing Lu Zerui in this state, Li Yan unconsciously quickened his pace down the stairs. “What happened to you?”
Following Li Yan’s gaze, Lu Zerui looked down, lifted his small foot, and only then realized that he had tracked mud all over the floor.
Li Yan bent down and picked him up. Lu Zerui kicked off his shoes and reached out to grab Li Yan’s clothes. “Li Yan, you’re wearing Daddy’s clothes.”
A faint flush crept onto Li Yan’s face, barely noticeable. He quickly pulled Lu Zerui’s hand away from his collar, unwilling to let him notice any more embarrassing traces.
Just then, the butler entered, picking up Lu Zerui’s shoes, while a maid hurriedly wiped the muddy floor.
At that moment, Lu Lianning stepped out of his study and saw Li Yan holding Lu Zerui. His expression changed immediately. Striding over, he took Lu Zerui from Li Yan’s arms and set him down on the floor. “How old are you, still needing to be carried?!”
Li Yan asked, “Lu Zerui, weren’t you supposed to be at your grandpa’s?”
Lu Zerui looked up at him with a hint of pride. “I went to summer camp!” He gestured excitedly. “I even caught a butterfly this big!” He spread his hands wide to demonstrate.
Li Yan turned to Lu Lianning. “We need to talk.”
Lu Lianning couldn’t stand the way Li Yan was looking at him. With a sigh, he told the butler to take Lu Zerui and get him cleaned up. He hadn’t expected Li Yan to wake up so early—he had assumed Lu Zerui would come back, change clothes, and head to kindergarten without running into him.
The two men entered the bedroom and closed the door behind them.
Lu Zerui was still trying to tug at the door, but when Lu Lianning heard the noise, he called out, “Lu Zerui!” That was enough to quiet him down, as he was still somewhat afraid of Lu Lianning.
Inside the bedroom, Lu Lianning tried to change the subject, asking, “Why are you up so early? Are you feeling unwell? What would you like for breakfast?”
But Li Yan brushed off the hand reaching for his waist and said with a serious expression, “Lu Zerui is still so young, and you actually sent him to summer camp all by himself?!”
Lu Lianning retorted, “He wasn’t alone. There were plenty of other kids, and adults were there to supervise.”
“Then why did you lie to me and say he was at Grandpa’s house?”
Without the slightest change in expression, Lu Lianning replied, “He did go to Grandpa’s house first. Then, from there, he was sent to camp.”
Li Yan sighed helplessly. “And it’s not even summer.”
“Li Yan, summer isn’t the only time for camps. Besides, he’s grown up enough now; he can handle a lot on his own.” Lu Lianning’s tone was calm.
Then he went on to ask what Li Yan wanted to eat, as though discussing Lu Zerui was somehow less important than breakfast.
Li Yan struggled to win the argument, feeling as if Lu Lianning always had a way of steering the conversation elsewhere.
Seeing Li Yan’s frustration, Lu Lianning added, “Spoiling him too much won’t do him any good.”
The comment made Li Yan a little sad. He looked at Lu Lianning and said, “Back then, you were the one who wanted him the most.”
He was dragging up the past again. Alarm bells rang in Lu Lianning’s mind. Li Yan’s words left him momentarily speechless, though his first instinct was to argue—to say that what he truly wanted was Li Yan, or that he wasn’t indifferent to Lu Zerui, but that just as he had begun to taste a bit of happiness with Li Yan, Lu Zerui had come along and taken half of it away. He couldn’t accept that.
Li Yan watched him standing there with a sullen expression and asked, “Why aren’t you saying anything?”
What was there to say? Anything he said would only be something Li Yan didn’t want to hear. Zheng Zhi had once taught him that if he didn’t know what to say, it was better to stay silent. Maybe he had matured a little. He told Li Yan, “I don’t want to fight with you.”
After lunch, Lu Lianning left. His car pulled out of the driveway, and from the second-floor window, Li Yan watched the familiar scene unfold. In the yard below, the butler stood trimming the trees with a pair of shears.
Li Yan hadn’t slept well the night before, and now, with the afternoon sun streaming in, a wave of exhaustion washed over him.
When he awoke at sunset, he sat up halfway and noticed that the butler had pruned the unruly branches into the shapes of small castles. They were clustered across the yard, bathed in the evening sun.
His eyes widened in surprise. Below, the butler twirled the shears in his hand before skillfully tossing them into a distant toolbox.
Later, Li Yan went to pick up Lu Zerui from kindergarten.
When they returned, the teacher had assigned some craft work, which they completed together in the living room before having dinner. By then, Lu Lianning still hadn’t come home.
It wasn’t until around 9:30 that Lu Lianning’s car finally pulled into the driveway.
After showering, he went upstairs to the bedroom—only to find it empty. His expression darkened as he headed straight for Lu Zerui’s room and pushed the door open. Just as he expected, Li Yan was inside, reading a storybook to Lu Zerui.
Scowling, he walked in and called Li Yan to return to their room to sleep.
Lu Zerui said, “But Li Yan hasn’t finished reading the story yet. He’s sleeping here with me tonight.”
Lu Lianning sneered. To Lu Zerui, his figure seemed to merge with the shadow of the giant, child-eating monster from the storybook.
Lu Lianning reached over and slapped the head of a small robot sitting on Lu Zerui’s bedside table. The robot immediately began playing the story through its speaker.
“This robot is paired with your storybook. You’ve listened to this story countless times already! And you still need someone to cuddle you and read it to you?” Lu Lianning snapped, reaching for Li Yan. “Come on, go back to our room.”
To his surprise, Li Yan pulled away. “Why are you arguing with him?” His expression darkened. He found Lu Lianning’s behavior ridiculous—acting like this in front of the child.
“Are you coming back or not?” Lu Lianning demanded, his breathing growing uneven, and his eyes fixed on Li Yan as if he were on the verge of losing his temper.
“I’m just reading him a story. I’ll come back when I’m done.” But before Li Yan could finish speaking, Lu Zerui threw his arms around him. “No! I want you to sleep here with me!”
Lu Lianning’s fury erupted. “Let go of him!” He reached out to pull Li Yan away, but before he could say another word, Lu Zerui burst into loud, wailing sobs.
Hearing the crying, Li Yan pushed Lu Lianning away. “I… I’ll just sleep with him for tonight.”
Lu Lianning nearly fainted with rage. Lu Zerui wasn’t the kind of child who cried easily. Even when he was punished for mistakes—when his grandfather hit his palm so hard it swelled—he hadn’t shed a single tear. But now, with Li Yan, he was putting on an act.
Sure enough, the moment Lu Lianning walked to the door, the crying stopped instantly.
In the middle of the night, when Lu Zerui’s breathing had evened out, Li Yan gently lifted his head off his chest. He slowly opened the door to his bedroom with Lu Lianning and slipped inside.
As soon as he lay down, he heard Lu Lianning ask, “Weren’t you going to sleep with Lu Zerui tonight?” His tone was displeased, and Li Yan couldn’t tell if he had been waiting up or was simply too angry to fall asleep. But unexpectedly, Lu Lianning spoke first. “I’m sorry.” He reached out and held Li Yan’s hand.
The two held hands under the quilt, with Li Yan returning the grip. “What are you apologizing for?”
“I made you unhappy, so I think I owe you an apology,” said Lu Lianning.
In the darkness, Li Yan could see the faint glint of Lu Lianning’s eyes and asked, “But do you think you did anything wrong?”
Lu Lianning fell silent. He didn’t know where he had gone wrong—only that whatever he did, it seemed to upset Li Yan easily. He needed to tread carefully, always apologizing in time to prevent Li Yan’s grievances from building up.
His eyelashes quivered slightly. “I wanted you to come sleep in our room with me. But I can’t exactly cry my heart out, like he did.”
Li Yan looked at him. Of course, Lu Lianning wouldn’t use tears to get what he wanted, like Lu Zerui did. He had always been cold and strong. If it weren’t for that rainy night in Wujingwan when the power went out, Li Yan would have thought he would never see Lu Lianning shed a tear in his entire life.
“He’s still a child, and you’re different from him. Why are you always comparing yourself to him?” Li Yan said, his tone tinged with a sigh.
“We’re different, of course we are.” To Li Yan, Lu Lianning was different from everyone else. His mood began to waver, though he couldn’t pinpoint exactly what in Li Yan’s words had gotten under his skin.
“Why is it that with you, I’m always treated differently from everyone else!?” Lu Lianning turned to face Li Yan, his voice filled with unmasked hurt and unwillingness. “Whether it’s Chen Yu, Lin Sheng, or now even Lu Zerui, every time you have to choose between me and someone else, I’m the one you give up.” He reached out to hold Li Yan. “Why am I always the second choice, while I’ve always put you first, above anyone else?”
Li Yan couldn’t quite grasp his words, feeling that they didn’t make sense. But then again, Lu Lianning often didn’t make sense. Still, coaxing Lu Lianning now seemed easier than expecting Lu Lianning to coax him.
Lu Lianning was hopelessly awkward. But at least he had finally learned how to apologize—sort of.
Maybe he was apologizing so readily because… something flashed in Li Yan’s mind, and he asked, “Are you still craving my resentment?”
Lu Lianning stopped looking at Li Yan this time, deciding not to tell lies anymore. His voice was weak. “I also crave… a little bit of love from Li Yan.”
Li Yan closed his eyes and said, “I love you.”
Lu Lianning’s body suddenly tensed, and he gripped Li Yan’s hand so tightly that it hurt. He anxiously began to kiss him. Li Yan was caught in his kiss, his body wrapped around him.
For Lu Lianning, both an “I’m sorry” and an “I love you” were rare. Li Yan had said “sorry” to him more in this lifetime than he ever had to anyone else. Before they even recognized their love, they had already convinced themselves they hated each other, doing things that would take countless apologies to repair. Lu Lianning was deeply fragile when it came to emotions; saying “I love you” was an impossible task for him. He was a coward, but Li Yan could be braver. Though Lu Lianning had loved Li Yan for ten years, it was Li Yan who had said “I love you” first.
Their breathing mingled as the tender kiss ended. Lu Lianning pulled back slightly, feeling a bit insecure—he always felt like he wasn’t good enough for Li Yan. Needing reassurance, he asked again, “Really? You’re not lying to me?”
He leaned down, leaving a trail of quick, gentle kisses from Li Yan’s forehead to his chin. “Say it a few more times. I want to hear it.”
Li Yan’s voice grew a little hoarse. “Didn’t you say you didn’t believe it? Why do you want to hear it so much—would you still like it even if it were a lie?”
“People say that if you repeat a lie enough times, it becomes the truth…”
Li Yan laughed, amused by Lu Lianning’s usual stubbornness. “I love you, I love you, I love you…”
When Li Yan grew tired and stopped, Lu Lianning fell silent too.
Just as Li Yan thought he was about to fall asleep, Lu Lianning suddenly spoke in the darkness. “I don’t want just an ordinary love. I want the kind of love you gave Chen Yaxin.” He seemed to think his words still weren’t accurate enough and carefully added, “The kind of love where you’d be willing to give your life for the other person.”
At that moment, Li Yan’s heart felt as if it were being squeezed tightly, only to be released in a wave of aching numbness. He opened his eyes, looking at Lu Lianning, and suddenly understood.
Someone like Lu Lianning had overly strict demands when it came to love.
Why had Chen Yu always tried so hard to please Li Yan, imitating Chen Yaxin’s gentle smile? He had been terrified that Li Yan would abandon him. Too many people had left his hospital room, and he had witnessed far too many versions of “being given up on.” He couldn’t risk assuming that someone as ordinary as Li Yan would be willing to sacrifice his life for him.
Then came Lu Lianning, who had thought that the warmth and care he received from Li Yan were already the best he could hope for—until he realized that Li Yan could be even better to someone else, willing to give everything for a single word from them.
Even though jealousy and resentment had once blinded him and driven him to lose reason, at the core, it couldn’t hide the fact that what he truly wanted was for Li Yan to respond softly in the end, “Alright.”
Li Yan was beginning to understand why Lu Lianning always seemed to be competing with him, always dissatisfied, always asking for more. Lu Lianning placed Li Yan above everyone else in his life—above Lu Anling, Qi Zhen, even Lu Zerui. And he wanted Li Yan to place him in that same position.
But Lu Lianning had drawn the lines far too simply.
Most people divided their relationships into categories: relatives, friends, employers, subordinates… but in Lu Lianning’s world, there were only two—Li Yan and everyone else.
That was why, despite knowing that Chen Yaxin was a painful subject for Li Yan, Lu Lianning had repeatedly brought it up, even if it meant being battered and bruised.
True to form, he added, “If I were ever sick, I’d definitely stay far away from you. I’d never leave behind words to burden you.” He hugged Li Yan and whispered, “I would love you more than she did.”
This was the only time they had ever mentioned Chen Yaxin without getting angry.
