FIG CHAPTER 80

Just like when he brought up the Iceland trip, Tan Qing didn’t agree right away. His tone carried a hint of lazy playfulness. “You rushed over just to ask me out? Since when did you have so much free time?”

Zhu Lianzhen’s mood was instantly stirred by his teasing. “You wish. I actually came to pick a fight with you, okay! I ran into CEO Chu at the company today. We talked a bit about you and then… forget it, I don’t want to bring that up.”

Tan Qing furrowed his brows. “What did he say to you?”

“Not telling you.”

Zhu Lianzhen clearly remembered how he’d felt on the way from the company to here. He had been confused by Tan Qing’s lies, saddened by his own slowness to understand, and regretful over the two years they had lost… All those complicated emotions tangled together and eventually turned into frustration.

And the thing that frustrated him the most was, without a doubt, Tan Qing’s self-righteousness. He always took such meticulous care of others, yet didn’t care about his own feelings or health.

On the way there, Zhu Lianzhen had even rehearsed the tone he would use to pretend to question him. But the moment he came inside and faced Tan Qing in person, he inevitably couldn’t bring himself to go through with it. In the end, his soft heart prevailed over everything else.

They were both just too clumsy—Tan Qing and himself.

So, before exposing any of Tan Qing’s lies, the thing Zhu Lianzhen wanted most was to face him honestly first.

“There’s actually something I’ve never really thought through. And now that I’m here with you, maybe I can figure out the answer.” Zhu Lianzhen’s voice gradually lowered. “Family, friends, fans… I’ve been lucky to receive so much affection from others, so I never realized that feelings between people need to be maintained.”

He spoke slowly to Tan Qing, as if talking to himself. “From the very first day we met, our relationship kept changing. When you first joined the group, I was really resistant. Later, as we got to know each other better and our bond slowly grew, I thought I was the one who accepted you.”

“—But looking back now, that probably wasn’t the case,” Zhu Lianzhen said. “It was you who had enough patience. Even after being pushed away by me over and over, you were still willing to be tolerant and cooperative. Anyone else probably would’ve given up on being teammates from the beginning.”

Tan Qing listened quietly, neither agreeing nor disagreeing.

Zhu Lianzhen continued, “And even later, it was the same. You never showed any negative emotions. You did your best to avoid conflict with me, except for that one time… I should’ve realized it earlier. You were the one trying your hardest to keep our relationship stable. And once you gave up, all I did was keep destroying it.”

Tan Qing, who had remained silent until then, finally spoke to refute him, “You didn’t destroy it.”

Zhu Lianzhen didn’t know whether Tan Qing had subconsciously defended him. He let out a helpless laugh. “In the past two years, I have had many chances to reach out to you and make amends. I had more than enough time to come up with a way to smooth things over. But every time the thought crossed my mind, I immediately pushed it away. If the group hadn’t made a comeback this year, I fear we still wouldn’t be in contact.”

“That’s not really a problem, Xiao Zhu,” Tan Qing told him. “Whether the timing is right or not isn’t something you could have predicted.”

Zhu Lianzhen gave an “Mm” in response, then suddenly found himself doubting again. He murmured, “But why didn’t I ever reach out to you? I knew you had a good temper. I even knew that if I just gave you a call, we could pretend nothing ever happened and go back to being friends.”

Children could make up by sharing candy and snacks; for the two of them as adults, making peace should have been even easier than that. And yet Zhu Lianzhen had chosen to do nothing. Perhaps it was pride, or maybe, like Tan Qing had just said, the timing wasn’t right.

But none of that was the main reason. Zhu Lianzhen knew very well that there had to be something else making him feel torn inside.

In that moment, facing Tan Qing, Zhu Lianzhen could feel the beating of his heart. The dim and narrow space helped ease a bit of his nervousness. With each breath, he could smell the faint scent on their clothes. Occasionally, he could feel a trace of warmth.

That flutter in his chest instead gave rise to clarity. Suddenly, it was as if Zhu Lianzhen had caught hold of the answer, and he said, “But I don’t want to go back to being just friends with you.”

He blurted it out without thinking, but he was absolutely certain that this was the real reason. Yes, how could he not have known? Deep down, he’d always known. He had just subconsciously avoided it. He avoided the painful ending of that relationship, and at the same time, avoided the lingering attachment he still felt toward Tan Qing. Lies could create a false sense of peace, but they couldn’t fill the true void in his heart.

Right after, Zhu Lianzhen added a more concrete explanation, “If the only way we can reconcile is as friends, then I’d rather the relationship stay broken.”

Tan Qing’s gaze shifted slightly, his expression hidden in the shadows. He immediately understood what Zhu Lianzhen meant, though he seemed a little uncertain. After softly calling out “Xiao Zhu,” he quietly looked at the outline of the other’s face.

“I remember you once said, ‘Friendship is a relationship where people can be honest, but that’s not what we are.’” Zhu Lianzhen recalled. “I think you were right. To face each other honestly really does take a lot of courage… But you know what? Now that I’ve taken the first step, I’ve realized it’s not as hard as I thought it would be.”

He moved his hand forward and placed it precisely over the back of Tan Qing’s hand. “If I’ve been avoiding sorting through our past, then what about you? What is it that you haven’t wanted to face?”

Zhu Lianzhen felt Tan Qing’s thumb rubbing against his knuckle. He didn’t know whether that meant hesitation, but he was willing to use all his patience to wait for Tan Qing’s answer.

However, Tan Qing didn’t stay silent for long.

He raised his other hand and pulled the wardrobe door open a little wider. Light streamed into the hidden space, allowing him to see Zhu Lianzhen’s face more clearly.

Zhu Lianzhen heard a soft sigh from him.

“Sometimes, you really don’t know how to leave people a way out.” Tan Qing tilted his head against the wooden panel, his eyes fixed intently on Zhu Lianzhen. “Xiao Zhu, do you think I love you?”

Zhu Lianzhen thought he’d misheard and asked back, “What?” Maybe his reaction came off as playing dumb, because Tan Qing didn’t repeat the question and just kept staring at him.

Zhu Lianzhen glanced at Tan Qing several times, then his gaze slipped back down to his own knees. In the sharp contrast of light and shadow, Tan Qing’s well-defined features looked even stronger and more serious. Heat spread from Zhu Lianzhen’s cheeks to behind his ears. He couldn’t help but mutter, “You’re the one who really knows how to corner someone. How am I supposed to answer that…”

“Just follow your heart. A simple ‘yes’ or ‘no,’” Tan Qing told him.

Zhu Lianzhen took a few seconds to think.

People usually asked questions like “Do you love me?”, but Tan Qing had shifted the subject, removed himself from the equation, and left it up to the other to express their feelings. That was fair, in a way. After all, love and being loved only existed when both sides acknowledged it.

“If I just said ‘yes,’ you definitely wouldn’t be satisfied, so I’ll be a little more specific.” Zhu Lianzhen rested his chin lightly on his knees, letting his body gradually relax so he could recall a few memories. “The first time I felt like I’d grown up wasn’t the day we debuted or my eighteenth birthday, but during our first fan signing event.”

“—Before that, everyone had told me what an artist should or shouldn’t do. I thought a lot of it was too complicated, and even felt a bit like my freedom was being restricted… But on the day of that fan signing, because I had to face so many fans up close, I unconsciously started to strictly demand more from myself.”

Time had passed, and the scene had already blurred in Zhu Lianzhen’s mind, but he could still recall that sense of nervousness at any time. Unlike the grandeur of performing at a concert for tens of thousands, this kind of face-to-face interaction with strangers made Zhu Lianzhen realize that some things couldn’t be treated as just work.

The fans standing before him weren’t just numbers that decorated his stardom. These people had crossed long distances and spent time and money simply for a brief meeting with him. For Zhu Lianzhen, those few hours were merely another job, but for those who came to see him, it was a precious moment they would cherish for a long time.

“Only after that did I start to feel what it really meant to be an idol, and I understood that I had a duty to meet others’ expectations… But even when I thought I was already making the greatest possible compromises, it still didn’t meet the standard Pei-jie had set for me.” Zhu Lianzhen said, “Maybe she was only ever satisfied with you.”

Tan Qing didn’t respond. He lowered his eyes to look at him, quietly listening as Zhu Lianzhen continued. In that atmosphere, Zhu Lianzhen completely relaxed and said, “Sometimes I’d feel overwhelmed and ask you what I should do. Then I’d realize, before you came up with a solution, what you cared about more was how I felt.”

That favoritism was so obvious that even someone as dense as Zhu Lianzhen could tell that he held a certain priority to Tan Qing—this was a kind of privilege that allowed him not to grow up. Tan Qing always gave him a sense of security in preserving himself.

Even when facing his own parents, Zhu Lianzhen would remember his responsibilities as a son and think about how to repay their care and upbringing. Only when he was with Tan Qing could he completely let go of the public figure persona, unafraid of any reminders or pressure from the other person.

“To be accepted unconditionally by someone, to be allowed to be willful—there’s probably nothing more fitting than that to prove the existence of love… at least, that’s how I feel,” Zhu Lianzhen said, lowering his head.

“And what about now?” Tan Qing finally spoke. “Compared to before, you’ve already gained a lot of adult experience and skills. Do you really still need this kind of care now?”

Zhu Lianzhen was caught off guard by the question and couldn’t respond right away.

Over the past two years… no, over the course of more than seven hundred days and nights, Zhu Lianzhen had gradually gotten used to and accepted the fact that Tan Qing had disappeared from his life. Whenever he felt a sense of loneliness from Tan Qing’s absence, he would, almost as if stubbornly fighting against himself, rid his life of reliance on anyone else. Through that resolve, his ability to make independent judgments and choices became increasingly sharp, unlike before, when he acted solely on instinct.

“The person I am now can find a balance between persistence and compromise. I really don’t need anyone’s understanding or approval anymore,” Zhu Lianzhen said. “But what I need is you.”

As if he felt that a single sentence wasn’t enough, Zhu Lianzhen immediately added, “It doesn’t matter how you choose to care about me, I still need you.”

He lifted his head and met Tan Qing’s gaze, seeing an emotion in his eyes that was hard to define. His brows seemed slightly furrowed; it was unclear whether it was joy or sorrow.

Zhu Lianzhen wanted to draw in more light so he could see more clearly, but then he felt that perhaps Tan Qing needed the shadows at this moment… just as he often wanted to hide his own expressions in the dark when facing Tan Qing.

“Xiao Zhu.” Tan Qing’s lips twitched slightly, and even just saying those words seemed strangely difficult. “Once you’ve really decided on something, I often have no way to go against you, because I can tell the difference between when you’re lying and when you’re being honest.”

Zhu Lianzhen heard a faint, bitter laugh from him.

Then, Tan Qing placed his palm on the sliding door and pushed it back slightly. Light spilled into the space. At last, Zhu Lianzhen could see clearly. Tan Qing didn’t look tired; only his dark eyes carried a kind of weariness, yet also an unusual gentleness.

“You asked me earlier what it is that I don’t want to face.” Tan Qing’s lips curled up in his usual way, but there was a trace of helplessness in his eyes. “I suppose… it’s those words, you needing me.”

He sighed again, as if deciding to respond to Zhu Lianzhen’s words properly. In a low voice, he said, “When we were friends, I thought being able to open my heart to you was enough. But later, I still found myself crossing boundaries. After we separated, I thought maybe that’s how our relationship was meant to be. But when I saw you again, I wanted to know whether there was still something more between us.”

“—Up until just now, I still thought it was best to leave things as they were. If there were no defined relationship between us, at least you’d have the freedom to end it at any time. But then, you came and told me you need me.”

Because of that sentence, he was afraid he would no longer be content with the present situation.

Zhu Lianzhen was momentarily stunned and couldn’t help but feel a bit emotional. It was rare for Tan Qing to speak so directly.

But at the same time, he also came to understand something. “If I’ve been avoiding our past, then what you’ve been avoiding… must be our future, right?”

Tan Qing didn’t deny his conclusion.

Once he understood that, Zhu Lianzhen felt much more at ease. More precisely, he was relieved that Tan Qing was willing to show his vulnerability to him, because that meant Tan Qing was responding with his truest self.

“The past is a fixed fact that can’t be changed. As for the future, we won’t know until we live it for ourselves. The only thing we can truly grasp is the present.” Zhu Lianzhen’s voice was much lighter than before. “Not long ago, I wanted to find a way to get to know you all over again, but today I realized that me doing that alone isn’t enough. You have to as well. We both need to understand each other again.”

After staying curled up in that cramped space for so long, Zhu Lianzhen finally decided to get out and stretch his limbs. He took a deep breath, his energy returning, and once again extended an invitation, “Anyway, let’s get back to what we started with—

“Tan Qing, let’s go see the snow first. We’ll leave everything else for the future.”

Tan Qing’s gaze slowly lowered. This time, he didn’t refuse. After a brief silence, he said, “Alright.”

–

Just seven days after they had made the spontaneous decision to travel, their visas were issued without a hitch, much earlier than expected. Tan Qing went to Pei Qiao to request time off. The reason he gave was simple: with the new album being released soon, it marked a new chapter in life, and he wanted to take a short break before that began. He also casually mentioned that he planned to go with Zhu Lianzhen.

They hadn’t had any external engagements recently; their only work involved staying inside to practice singing and dancing. In fact, they actually had a decent amount of free time. Under normal circumstances, though, they weren’t allowed to leave Ronggang.

But since it was rare for Tan Qing to take the initiative in asking for time off, and Pei Qiao had always felt that he deserved a break, she readily agreed.

Considering that the two of them skipping work might cause dissatisfaction among their teammates, she simply gave the entire group a break. When Zhu Lianzhen found out, he remarked, “They really lucked out.”

That morning, the two of them set off with their luggage. After a layover and a long flight, they finally arrived in Reykjavik.

Technically, it should have been nighttime by then, but the sky was still bright, the sun hanging high overhead. The air was cool but not harsh, with a faint minty scent. Zhu Lianzhen had taken a nap on the plane, and after a few deep breaths, he felt fully awake.

Tan Qing had booked a guesthouse run by an American. The owner was very friendly and even personally drove to the airport to pick them up. The ride was incredibly short. Zhu Lianzhen had known Iceland was small, but he hadn’t expected the drive from the airport to the guesthouse to take less than the duration of a single song.

The house was decorated to the owner’s personal taste, presenting a rugged, industrial-retro aesthetic. The decor on the door was intentionally weathered, highlighting a distressed texture. One entire wall was covered with handmade tapestries featuring indigenous patterns. The bedroom was upstairs. It wasn’t as spacious as they’d imagined, but the view was spectacular. From the window, they could clearly see snowcapped mountains in the distance.

After explaining a few things, the host left, not forgetting to wish them a pleasant trip during their short stay.

Only the sound of Tan Qing organizing their luggage remained in the room. Meanwhile, Zhu Lianzhen tapped on a calculator to figure out the time difference, wondering what time they should sleep next.

“Want to head out for a walk now?” he asked once Tan Qing had just about finished unpacking.

After spending so much time on the plane, their bodies weren’t suited for sitting around any longer. The host had already arranged for a rental car ahead of time, but he had advised them not to travel too far—this summer had been especially odd. Since June, there had already been several heavy snowfalls, and the north had even seen storms. Recently, the weather had stabilized, and it was about ten degrees outside, but the snow from earlier was still thick.

“It’s not as cold as I imagined.” Zhu Lianzhen didn’t like wearing gloves, so he kept his hands in his coat pockets. “Let’s walk slowly. Some spots look icy.”

“You used to step right onto the ice just to slide around a bit,” Tan Qing said.

Zhu Lianzhen burst out laughing. He had indeed liked doing that as a kid. Once, he and Koty found an icy patch in a parking lot and, out of boredom, competed to see who could spin around the most times. But when Fu Rong stepped on the gas and drove straight toward them, using “the ground’s too slippery, I can’t brake” as an excuse, the two of them were so frightened that they swore to walk properly for the rest of their lives.

“It really looks about ten centimeters thick.” Zhu Lianzhen lowered his head to observe the snowline. The guesthouse owner hadn’t been exaggerating earlier. If this kind of weather lasted most of the year, no matter how beautiful the scenery, it wouldn’t make up for the daily inconveniences.

They didn’t walk far. The phenomenon of the midnight sun easily distorted their sense of time, and it wasn’t until they noticed many shops along the street had closed that they remembered they should probably head to a restaurant first. So, they headed back.

“I saw snow on my birthday last year too,” Zhu Lianzhen said.

“In spring?” Tan Qing responded. “What kind?”

“The kind you find inside.”

“Was it pretty?”

Zhu Lianzhen’s steps slowed more and more. He didn’t answer the question. After a few seconds, he said, “At the time, I remember thinking, it would’ve been nice if I could watch it with you. But unfortunately, you weren’t there. Later on, I realized maybe I didn’t like snow that much after all.”

“That’s a pity.” Tan Qing turned to look at him. “But maybe it’s not so bad for us to leave some regrets between us.”

“Yeah.”

The only sound in their ears was the crisp crunch of snow underfoot. After a while, Tan Qing added, “Now that I’ve seen it too, can you start liking it again?”

Zhu Lianzhen pressed his lips together, then nodded seriously. “Mm.”