“The Great Gatsby” opens with the line, “Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, just remember that not everyone in this world has had the advantages that you’ve had”.
When Zhou Yan first read this, the line didn’t make much of an impression on him. He often found himself mentally measuring Liang Ruixi against his own moral yardstick, picking apart his flaws. For instance, at the beginning of the semester, Zhou Yan really couldn’t stand Liang Ruixi’s attitude towards those who showed interest in him.
One day after class in their freshman year, Liang Ruixi was dealing with a girl from the next class who was hitting on him: “Watch a movie? How many people? …Oh? Just the two of us? Wouldn’t that be inappropriate?” There was a hint of alluring flirtatiousness in his tone of voice, yet his gaze was fixed directly on her, making him seem quite romantic.
“What’s inappropriate about it? It’s just watching a movie, it’s not like we’re doing anything else…” The girl’s expression also held a hint of pleasure.
Zhou Yan glanced at his watch, standing a distance away and urging him a bit impatiently, “Liang Ruixi, let’s go eat.”
“Coming!” Liang Ruixi turned his head to respond and gave the girl a hand gesture, “Get a few more people, and then call me!” After saying that, he quickly caught up with Zhou Yan.
Zhou Yan walked for a while, then couldn’t help but say, “Don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“Hmm? What’s up?” Liang Ruixi said, feigning disinterest.
Zhou Yan squinted at him. “Then you’d still accept an invitation from other girls to see a movie?”
“That’s why I told her two people wouldn’t work.”
“It’s fine with more people?”
“We’re all classmates. What’s wrong with going to see a movie together? We can even split the dinner bill afterward.”
Zhou Yan frowned, trying to suppress his urge to retort.
Later that evening, the girl did call Liang Ruixi. The dorm room door was ajar, and Zhou Yan vaguely heard Liang Ruixi and his roommates joking around. “Do you guys know Liu Yuyan? She and a few girls from her class want to go see a movie with us. Should we go?”
“Liu Yuyan? She’s pretty ah!” The roommates sounded excited. “Haha, why didn’t she invite guys from her own class?”
“Maybe she’s interested in our campus heartthrob? Sounds like her intentions aren’t just about the movie.”
“If you guys don’t want to go, I’ll decline then?” Liang Ruixi said deliberately.
“Go ah! It’s such a good opportunity, why wouldn’t we?”
“Exactly! It’s not just Liu Yuyan coming. Whether we brothers can find a partner depends on our performance!”
A moment later, the dorm room door opened, and Liang Ruixi came to ask him, “Zhou Yan, want to go see a movie together tonight?”
Zhou Yan replied indifferently, “You guys go. I have something to do tonight.”
Liang Ruixi then asked Wei Ran if he wanted to go, and Wei Ran readily agreed.
Around 5 PM, the boys left together.
It was Friday, and Zhou Yan was the only one left in the dorm room that night. He read for a while, then heard a phone ringing from the end of the hallway.
Each floor of the F University dorms had two public phones installed at the stair landing. Someone called out, “Is Liang Ruixi from room 325 there?”
After two or three calls, Zhou Yan finally went out and responded, “What is it?”
He was a sophomore, and he wasn’t very familiar with the new students’ faces, so he assumed Zhou Yan was Liang Ruixi and said, “Your girlfriend is looking for you!”
Zhou Yan paused, walked over, took the phone, and said, “Hello?”
“You are…” The girl on the other end of the line had a slight accent from Liang Ruixi’s hometown. “I’m looking for Liang Ruixi, is he there?”
“I’m a classmate of Liang Ruixi’s. He’s not here right now, is there something urgent?” Zhou Yan asked politely.
“Uh, I just called his cell phone, and he didn’t pick up. Do you know where he went?”
“He went to see a movie with some girls.”
There was a pause on the other end, then a soft “Got it,” before the call ended.
Zhou Yan, who was on the receiving end, regretted a little that he’d told the truth. After all, no girlfriend would be happy if her boyfriend didn’t answer her call and went out with other people.
But then, Zhou Yan secretly hoped that Liang Ruixi would learn a lesson from this. Why else would that guy, relying on his good looks, constantly flirt and mess around…
That night, when Liang Ruixi and the others returned, Zhou Yan indeed heard him making a call next door: “It’s not that I didn’t answer your call, my phone just ran out of battery! A lot of classmates went together, it wasn’t just me and her… my classmate? Which classmate said that?… You misunderstood, I really didn’t. You have to believe me…”
And others were joking, “Oh, girlfriend checking up on you ah?” “Meimei[mfn]Sister[/mfn], Liang Ruixi is very popular at our school!”
The boys chuckled, making Liang Ruixi beg for mercy, “Guys, give me a break, stop joking! My girlfriend is really mad!”
Zhou Yan had achieved his goal, but he felt a little off.
In the following days, when they went to class together, Zhou Yan noticed that Liang Ruixi ignored other girls who came looking for him.
“What’s wrong? You’ve been moping around all day.” Zhou Yan asked, pretending not to know.
“My girlfriend’s upset with me,” Liang Ruixi said, annoyed. “It’s because I went to the movies with everyone last week. I missed her call, and she thought I was secretly seeing other girls…”
“No wonder I haven’t seen you hanging out with Liu Yuyan and them.” Zhou Yan said, a little gleefully.
“Qu Feng and Wang Ai are already on a date, what’s the point of me joining in the fun?”
Qu Feng was Liang Ruixi’s roommate. “Who’s Wang Ai?” Zhou Yan asked.
“Liu Yuyan’s roommate. They’re probably best friends, always together just like us. Qu Feng and Wang Ai hit it off right at the beginning of the semester, but they’re both a bit introverted. It just so happened that Liu Yuyan invited me to the movies, so I figured I’d set them up and play matchmaker…”
“Why didn’t you say so earlier?”
“Say what earlier?” Liang Ruixi looked bewildered.
“Nothing.” Zhou Yan paused for a moment, then asked, “So, have you explained it to your girlfriend?”
“I’ve explained that a lot of classmates went out together several times already, but she still doesn’t believe me.” Liang Ruixi glanced at his phone, which showed no activity, and said despondently, “She hasn’t replied to my messages in days…”
Seeing him like this, Zhou Yan felt curious about the unfamiliar girl for the first time: “How did you and your girlfriend get together?”
“She was my high school campus beauty, hehe, she’s really beautiful. She usually seemed pretty proud, so I never expected her to confess to me when we graduated…” As he spoke, a hint of sweetness appeared in Liang Ruixi’s eyes. “Should I buy her a gift?” He suddenly had an idea and nudged Zhou Yan. “Help me think, what would be a good gift?”
“I’ve never had a girlfriend, so my advice might not be good.” Zhou Yan said.
“Just say anything, it’s not like I’m definitely going to take your advice anyway.”
Zhou Yan’s mouth twitched. Remembering his mother’s fondness for shoe stores whenever she went shopping, he suggested, “How about buying a pair of shoes?”
“Shoes?” Liang Ruixi searched on his phone and murmured to himself, “But I don’t know her shoe size. Ask a high school classmate? Nah, if it leaks, there’ll be no surprise. I’ll buy something else.”
Zhou Yan: “……” As expected, he didn’t take the advice…
In the end, Liang Ruixi chose a pair of earrings, it was quite expensive. After buying them, the guy skipped several breakfasts.
A few days later, Zhou Yan went to Liang Ruixi’s dorm to find him for something. He saw Liang Ruixi scrolling through his phone, looking at a familiar profile picture, and remembered to ask, “Did your girlfriend receive the gift you sent?”
“She probably did,” Liang Ruixi said, dejected. “I haven’t heard from her.”
“Haven’t heard? She hasn’t contacted you?” Zhou Yan wondered.
Liang Ruixi shoved his phone into his pocket and hummed in acknowledgement.
Around that time, the school was holding a welcoming party, and Liang Ruixi was preparing for the singing performance. Zhou Yan was also busy, so they didn’t bring up the topic again.
About a week after the welcoming party, Liang Ruixi skipped class one afternoon. Zhou Yan messaged him but got no reply. It wasn’t until after class that Qu Feng mentioned Liang Ruixi had called his girlfriend from the dorm balcony before class, and it seemed they had broken up.
Zhou Yan searched the campus for over half an hour before finding him by the Yeyahu[mfn]Wild Duck Lake located in Beijing[/mfn])\.
Liang Ruixi, seeing him approach, remained hunched over, loosely holding an unfinished can of beer. After a while, he said, “I broke up with her.”
“En,” Zhou Yan sighed, saying softly, “I’m sorry.”
Liang Ruixi tilted his head, a puzzled expression on his face.
Zhou Yan apologized, “The night you went to the movies, your girlfriend called the dorm, and I answered. I didn’t cover for you or explain clearly.”
Liang Ruixi was a little surprised. “So it was you.” But his reaction wasn’t particularly strong; he just sighed softly, then quickly slumped again, “It has nothing to do with you. She didn’t trust me and had already fallen for someone else.”
Now it was Zhou Yan’s turn to be shocked. “What happened?”
Liang Ruixi gave a self-deprecating laugh. “It was actually a high school classmate who told me. She was already seeing another guy before she even broke up with me. That guy used to be from our school too, and he got into the same university as her. He’s been chasing her all this time, and the movie thing was just an excuse she found to break up with me.”
Zhou Yan’s lips parted and closed, unsure what to say.
Liang Ruixi: “Go ahead and laugh if you want.”
Zhou Yan hesitantly reached out and gently patted his shoulder.
Liang Ruixi tilted his head back and chugged some beer. A moment later, he said to Zhou Yan, “When she confessed to me, I asked her if long distance would be an issue, and she said it wouldn’t be… Zhou Yan, are women’s promises always so meaningless?”
Zhou Yan comforted him, “No, that’s not it. You should try to look at it more positively.”
Liang Ruixi hung his head, his fingers slowly squeezing the can in his hand flat. “But why is it always the people I care about who act like this, just discarding me whenever they want to…”
Zhou Yan heard his voice choke and turned to look. It was already dark then. Liang Ruixi was staring at the ground, completely immersed in deep sorrow, as if no one could enter his world.
Zhou Yan recalled Liang Ruixi saying he felt lonely when they first met, and at this moment, he also sensed Liang Ruixi’s loneliness. But this feeling was strange because, all along, Liang Ruixi had always given the impression of being happy and cheerful; the word “lonely” seemed completely unrelated to him.
Zhou Yan was silent for a moment, then teased him, “The great campus heartthrob of F University, crying over a breakup?”
Liang Ruixi forced himself to retort, “Get lost! Who the hell’s crying!”
“Then stop drinking by yourself here. You’re skipping class, not eating, and making me starve with you.” Zhou Yan pulled him up, persuading, “Come, I’ll treat you to some spicy hot pot.”
Liang Ruixi paused. “Aren’t you afraid of getting a runny nose from the spice again?”
Zhou Yan: “Considering you got dumped and cheated on, I guess I’ll have to sacrifice myself to accompany you.”
Liang Ruixi chuckled, “F*ck…”
Just when Zhou Yan was worried that Liang Ruixi would be depressed for a while, the guy quickly recovered and started “dallying with women” again.
After word got out that he had broken up, even more girls came looking for him than before.
Liang Ruixi would often be more enthusiastic towards pretty girls, but his enthusiasm came and went quickly, sometimes lasting as long as ten days to half a month, sometimes as short as three to five days, like tides ebbing and flowing.
One time, a girl came to the boys’ dorm to confront him, asking why he stopped replying to her messages after just one dinner. Liang Ruixi, with his hands in his pockets, said heartlessly, “I just wanted to see how things would go first. I thought my intentions were already very clear.”
The girl, with reddened eyes, slapped him, cursed him as a “scumbag,” and then turned and left.
Her strength wasn’t great, but her nails were long, leaving a thin scratch on Liang Ruixi’s face, like a cat’s claw mark.
This incident caused quite a stir in the boys’ dorm. When Zhou Yan returned that evening and heard about it, he specifically found a bottle of iodine and cotton swabs for Liang Ruixi’s face. “If you’re not interested in someone, can’t you just tell them clearly?”
“I hinted at it. I can’t be too harsh, can I? Other girls would have gotten the message after two rejections. Who knew she’d be so aggressive, insisting on coming to ask…”
“You think you’re justified? You deserved that slap!” Zhou Yan was both annoyed and amused. “I think you’re just asking for trouble every day. You should reflect on yourself.”
“Who did I ask for trouble with? They were the ones who came to me first.”
“But you responded, didn’t you? And you specifically chose the pretty ones to respond to as well. Do you think those pretty girls are easy to mess with?” Zhou Yan glared at him, then suddenly lowered his voice. “Or are you exacting revenge on other girls because your first girlfriend betrayed you?”
“Am I that childish?!” Liang Ruixi didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He wanted to explain but couldn’t come up with a reason, finally just looking away awkwardly and saying, “I just felt a bit bored being alone.”
“Bored alone? Am I not a person?” Even Zhou Yan himself was startled as the words slipped out, quickly adding, “Are Wei Ran and Lu Jingtong not people?”
“You guys are friends, it’s different from a girlfriend.”
“Sophistry. I think you’re just a playboy and irresponsible,” Zhou Yan pressed hard on Liang Ruixi’s wound with the iodine swab, saying fiercely, “Keep being so careless, and you’ll just keep getting scratched!”
“Agh, hiss… ouch…!” Liang Ruixi winced.
In the latter half of their freshman year, they went to Mount Yanlu to watch the sunrise.
That night, in the small cabin on the mountain, Liang Ruixi unintentionally brought up his background, shocking everyone, including Zhou Yan.
Actually, when Liang Ruixi first shared this experience, he intended to comfort Wei Ran, so he acted quite nonchalant. But the fragmented information revealed made Zhou Yan recall some past events. After much thought, he felt that Liang Ruixi probably hadn’t moved on that easily, so after settling the other classmates, he went over to him and tentatively asked, “You must have been really sad when your mom left, right?”
Unexpectedly, that single sentence caused Liang Ruixi to break down completely.
“That’s right.” Liang Ruixi’s eyes quickly filled with tears, which then silently fell. “Back then, I just couldn’t understand why my mom didn’t want me anymore…”
—”Why is it always the people I care about who act like this, just discarding me whenever they want to…”
Only then did Zhou Yan understand Liang Ruixi’s lament by Yeyahu when they broke up and what kind of pain he was recalling at that moment.
This was the first time Zhou Yan had seen Liang Ruixi cry. He witnessed the usually optimistic and carefree guy revealing a rare vulnerability and regret and heartache intertwined in his own mind.
Zhou Yan couldn’t help but reach out and put an arm around his shoulder, letting him lean against him. He wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words, only able to listen to Liang Ruixi’s low murmur.
“I’ve already become so much better, why hasn’t she come back?” Liang Ruixi softly sobbed, then faintly sang two lines of “Only Mama is Good in the World, a Child Without a Mom is Like a Weed.” As he sang, he finally grew tired and weary, murmuring, “Zhou Yan, I don’t want to be alone anymore…”
Zhou Yan turned his head to look at Liang Ruixi’s closed eyes. At this moment, he somehow recalled the line from The Great Gatsby and all the judgements he had made about Liang Ruixi in his heart.
This was probably like painting. At first glance, you apply a base layer of color. As you get to know them better, you continuously add more colors, new ones covering the old, until finally, it’s vibrant and unforgettable.
Zhou Yan bent his neck and couldn’t help but kiss away the tear stains from the corner of his eye, saying in his heart, “You won’t be alone anymore.”
“Don’t cry, I’ll accompany you in her stead. If you want me to smile more, I’ll smile more for you.”
—”Don’t Cry.” April 21, 2012 (Zhou Yan)
