95
Mu Peixuan’s illness struck suddenly. A heavy downpour began in the night. Duan Linzhou, who was a light sleeper, was jolted awake by the thunder. He inadvertently touched Mu Peixuan, who was beside him, but his arm was burning hot, and he instantly became fully alert.
The lamps in Wen’an Courtyard were lit one after another. Duan Linzhou threw on a robe and immediately ordered Liu Guang and Fen Mo to fetch the physician.
Mu Peixuan had developed a high fever.
Perhaps influenced by the recent plague, Duan Linzhou reached out and touched Mu Peixuan’s burning cheek, his first thought instinctively turning to the epidemic. But he quickly realized that they had left Fengzhou, and the plague in Ruizhou had long been eradicated, easing his anxiety somewhat. He looked at Mu Peixuan with worry. The young man’s eyes were tightly closed, his cheeks flushed red with fever, and his lips pressed together. Duan Linzhou called his name several times but couldn’t rouse him.
The physician residing in the mansion arrived, braving the rain. His clothes were soaked through, but he didn’t bother with it, first offering his greetings to Duan Linzhou. Duan Linzhou impatiently said, “See to His Highness first.”
The physician quickly responded, took the handkerchief offered by a servant to wipe his hands, and approached the bedside.
After carefully examining Mu Peixuan, who remained unconscious, the physician diagnosed him with a severe cold that had led to a high fever.
Duan Linzhou asked, “How could a cold become so serious so suddenly?”
The physician considered his words. “His Highness has been overthinking, with pent-up emotions for a long time. The cold likely took advantage of his weakened state…”
Duan Linzhou was taken aback by this explanation. He looked at Mu Peixuan. Apart from when he had first arrived in Fengzhou and briefly let his emotions show, Mu Peixuan had maintained a calm demeanor throughout the suppression of the rebellion and the arrangements for Mu Peizhi’s funeral in Ruizhou. He had handled everything methodically, and even Duan Linzhou had forgotten that Mu Peixuan was just a young man who hadn’t yet reached adulthood.
In these short months, Mu Peixuan had lost his beloved elder brother and a close comrade and had been entrusted with the heavy responsibility of quelling the rebellion in a time of crisis. He hadn’t allowed himself a moment of respite, even his deepest grief lasting only a single night. It wasn’t until Mu Peizhi was buried that Mu Peixuan could finally relax. But like a tightly strung zither, once the tension was released, how could he not fall ill?
Duan Linzhou rubbed his temples with annoyance. Mu Peixuan’s illness had clearly shown signs earlier, and he had been negligent.
Ever since Duan Linzhou had arrived in Fengzhou, he had noticed that Mu Peixuan had become much more clingy, always wanting to hold him while sleeping at night. Duan Linzhou had many affairs to attend to and sometimes returned late. Mu Peixuan wouldn’t sleep but would wait for him while dealing with official duties. Occasionally, when Duan Linzhou got up in the middle of the night, he would find that Mu Peixuan was also awake. He had asked him twice, but Mu Peixuan had vaguely brushed it off as needing to get up or just coincidentally waking up.
The physician prescribed medicine, and Duan Linzhou personally fed it to Mu Peixuan. He then stayed by his side, without even taking off his clothes, for half the night. It wasn’t until dawn that Mu Peixuan’s fever subsided.
Mu Peixuan was in a hazy state, as if he had had a very long dream. In the dream, he returned to his childhood, riding on his father’s shoulders, weaving through the military camp. His father held him steadily. As a mischievous child, he even treated his father like a horse, waving his hands and shouting, ‘Giddy up, giddy up!’ His father would laugh in exasperation and swat his bottom, saying, ‘Hold on tight, or I’ll spank your bottom until it blooms!’
Mu Peixuan didn’t listen, swinging his legs. Suddenly, he saw Mu Peizhi standing in the distance.
In the dream, Mu Peizhi still had the appearance of a teenager, watching them from afar. Mu Peixuan had never so clearly seen the envy and wistfulness in his eyes.
Mu Peixuan called out to his father to stop and climbed down from his shoulders. He ran towards Mu Peizhi and grabbed his hand, calling out, ‘Big Brother!’
Mu Peizhi was taken aback, looking somewhat lost and embarrassed. He glanced at the Old Marquis and softly called out, ‘Father,’ then turned to Mu Peixuan, ‘Ah Xuan.’
Mu Peixuan asked, ‘Big Brother, do you want to ride the big horse too?’
Mu Peizhi’s eyes widened, and he quickly waved his hands. ‘No, no, I don’t want to…’
The Old Marquis looked at the closeness between the two children with surprise. Hearing this, he grabbed the back of Mu Peixuan’s collar and said, ‘Do you think your elder brother is like you? You little monkey.’
Mu Peixuan cried out playfully, kicking and waving his arms, which made Mu Peizhi laugh. While calling out ‘Father’, Mu Peizhi freed Mu Peixuan from his father’s grasp. It was a scene of harmony that Mu Peixuan had never witnessed in his childhood. Suddenly, the scene shifted, and he was sitting listlessly with Xu Ying and the others in the academy’s training grounds. Li Yue was practicing archery. His talent wasn’t as great as Xu Ying’s. While Xu Ying practiced for half an hour, Li Yue could practice for two hours without uttering a word of tiredness.
They playfully interrupted Li Yue’s archery practice, laughing and joking. Li Yue mentioned that the academy exams were in just half a month. Xu Ying responded with a series of ‘en, en’ while talking about a new dish at the newly opened Weixiang Lou in Ruizhou. He had finally managed to book a premium private room, and if they didn’t go soon, they wouldn’t get to try it.
Li Yue, helpless, reached out and pinched Xu Ying’s stomach, saying, ‘Still thinking about eating? Once you eat yourself into a round dumpling, you won’t be able to keep up with Yuan Ge’er anymore.’
Xu Ying swatted his hand away, displeased. ‘What round dumpling? This young lord just hasn’t shot up yet. My mother said this is called good fortune. Once I grow taller in a few years, all this meat will be gone.’
Xu Fangyi burst into laughter and mimicked Madam Xu’s doting tone, ‘My son is so adorable. No other tianqian is as handsome as my son—’
He exaggerated the tone, making Xu Ying so angry that he raised his foot to kick him. Xu Fangyi nimbly darted behind Yu Jing, making faces at Xu Ying. Xu Ying, sputtering and yelling, rolled up his sleeves, ready to fight Xu Fangyi. Li Yue was doubled over with laughter, not forgetting to grab Xu Ying’s waist and say, ‘Hey, hey, hey, Fangyi’s just teasing you.’
Suddenly, the sky darkened, shifting between the deep winter of Ruizhou and the battlefield of Fengzhou. In the dream, he had rushed to Fengzhou and hadn’t been too late. Li Yue hadn’t met with disaster, and his elder brother hadn’t contracted the plague. None of it had ever happened.
Mu Peixuan felt as if he were sinking in the sea, rising and falling, neither fully awake nor fully asleep. His eyelids felt heavier than a thousand pounds, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t wake up.
“Why did your elder brother have to meet with misfortune just when you left, not before or after?”
“When you were born, you nearly caused your own mother’s death and drove your parents apart. I truly wish I had never given birth to you!”
“Why is it you who returned, and not your elder brother?”
…
Each accusatory voice pierced his ears. Mu Peixuan felt an icy chill spread through him. He wanted to defend himself, but he was too disheartened and weary to do so. In that instant, Mu Peixuan truly thought that perhaps it should have been him who died on the battlefield.
Suddenly, he heard a few low voices calling his name, ‘Peixuan.’
‘Mu Peixuan.’
The person in the dream sighed softly, their voice helpless yet filled with tenderness. It made Mu Peixuan’s eyes grow warm, and an inexplicable sense of grievance welled up within him. The voice said, ‘Silly boy, how can you be so worried? If I really died, what would you do?’
Die? Who was going to die? Mu Peixuan wondered blankly, but his heart ached inexplicably.
The person in the dream continued, ‘When I married you, I originally had my own selfish thought. But now, look at this.’ He smiled helplessly and said, ‘I’m even more unwilling to die now.’
Mu Peixuan suddenly knew who it was—Duan Linzhou.
It was his Duan Linzhou. How could Duan Linzhou die? He only had Duan Linzhou.
Mu Peixuan opened his eyes.
The first thing he saw was Duan Linzhou’s face, who was bending over him, changing the cloth on his forehead. Their eyes met, and Duan Linzhou said with surprise, “You’re awake?”
Duan Linzhou reached out to touch his forehead and cheeks, saying to Liu Guang without turning his head, “Go and fetch the physician.”
Mu Peixuan just stared straight at Duan Linzhou, reaching out to grasp his wrist. Duan Linzhou paused, then smiled. “I’m here.”
Just those three words made Mu Peixuan’s eyes grow warm. He tightened his grip, his voice hoarse as he spoke, “Duan Linzhou, I had a dream.”
Duan Linzhou didn’t pull his hand away. He said gently, “What did you dream about?”
Mu Peixuan replied, “I dreamt that we had been together for many years, and our hair had turned white.”
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