“Because I like you very much…”
“…”
Yan Jie took a deep breath.
He wasn’t sure if it was his imagination, but his heart seemed to skip a beat in that moment.
Did this person know what he was saying?
Asking for a kiss with such a serious, earnest tone…
It was really too much.
Yan Jie suppressed the impulse in his heart, and when he spoke again, his voice was much hoarser:
“You…”
“Hmm?”
“Do you know that this is something you only do with a lover?”
“Of course.”
Jiang Nan’an found his question strange.
He might not be able to distinguish emotions, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t distinguish behaviors.
“Then do you know what it means if, after trying, you find that you don’t dislike me doing this to you?”
Yan Jie looked down at him, his originally clear eyes now shadowed by his eyelashes, making his gaze appear darker.
“I know,” Jiang Nan’an looked straight into his eyes without flinching, answering according to his understanding:
“It means that our relationship might have room to grow?”
Yan Jie was amused by his phrasing and couldn’t help but chuckle.
Then, he raised his hand to cup Jiang Nan’an’s face, gently lifting it, making one final confirmation:
“Are you sure you want to try?”
“Mm.”
Having received a definite answer, Yan Jie no longer restrained himself and immediately lowered his head to kiss him.
For Jiang Nan’an, this kiss seemed quite different from last night’s.
Yan Jie’s kiss last night had the bitter taste of foreign liquor. He was probably truly not in his right mind then. At that time, his kiss was gentle but unrestrained, even carrying a forceful desire to conquer, without the careful, exploratory nature of this moment.
Jiang Nan’an felt him gently pecking at the corner of his lips, then their lips brushed against each other, but they quickly separated.
“How was it?”
Yan Jie moved away from him, but they were still very close, close enough for their noses to touch, each able to feel the other’s breathing.
Jiang Nan’an opened his eyes slightly, looking at his lips, his Adam’s apple moving gently:
“…It doesn’t seem enough.”
“Mr. Hang, are you testing Little Spring’s self-control? If you want more, I might not be able to stop myself,” Yan Jie’s tone was casual and flirtatious.
“Less nonsense.”
“Ah.”
Yan Jie smiled, his lips curving upward as he brushed Jiang Nan’an’s cheek with his thumb, his voice gentle as if coaxing:
“Open your mouth.”
Jiang Nan’an raised an eyebrow slightly, not yet understanding Yan Jie’s meaning, before being kissed again.
He felt Yan Jie’s breath and soft lips and tongue, the faint scent of roses and tobacco enveloping him completely.
Yan Jie gently yet firmly tasted every part of his mouth. Because of his movements, Jiang Nan’an instinctively tilted his head back, his head touching the hard, cold wall.
Strangely, even though neither of them had been drinking today, in this kiss, Jiang Nan’an inexplicably felt a dizzy, intoxicated sensation.
“Breathe.”
After kissing for who knows how long, Yan Jie released him slightly, kissed his cheek, and guided his hand to his own shoulder. His voice was soft and hoarse, audible only to the two of them:
“Hold me.”
Jiang Nan’an obediently raised his hands to Yan Jie’s shoulders, and was kissed again by Yan Jie.
Yan Jie was skilled at kissing, and Jiang Nan’an was completely drawn into his rhythm. He heard his heart beating heavily again, as if every drop of blood in his body was slowly warming with the rhythm of his heart.
Yan Jie held his waist tightly with one hand while gently caressing his ear with the other, then his fingers slid through his hair to the nape of his neck, tracing the contours of his spine through his clothes.
Even without direct contact, Jiang Nan’an still felt the places Yan Jie touched tingling.
Yan Jie pulled him into his arms, not letting him lean against the wall. Losing his support, Jiang Nan’an instinctively wrapped his arms around Yan Jie’s neck.
The kiss lasted for an unknown duration, until Jiang Nan’an noticed that Yan Jie seemed to have lifted the hem of his clothes, as he felt another person’s touch and warmth on his waist.
But that was only momentary, because in the next second, Yan Jie withdrew his hand and released him, using his fingertip to wipe the moisture from the corner of his lips:
“Enough?”
Jiang Nan’an opened his eyes and came back to his senses.
He nodded, took a breath, removed his hands from Yan Jie’s shoulders, straightened his clothes, left the entryway, and walked to his usual spot by the floor-to-ceiling window in the recliner.
Yan Jie’s fingertips still retained Jiang Nan’an’s warmth. He watched him walk away, raising an eyebrow slightly.
He just left like that?
So heartless?
Who was that person who was just kissing him so intimately and occasionally making cute little sounds?
Was it actually Teacher Jiang Nan’an’s second personality?
Yan Jie found it absurd, but also somewhat amusing.
He changed into slippers at the entryway and followed him in.
Jiang Nan’an had already curled up in the soft recliner, gazing out the window, lost in thought and basking in the sunlight. Dunbu had also instinctively settled on his lap.
The orange-red evening sunlight fell on them, making the scene appear gentle and peaceful.
Yan Jie walked over, brought a small footstool from beside the sofa, placed it next to him, and sat down to look at him.
He looked for a long time, watching as the warm light dyed Jiang Nan’an’s hair and eyelashes a golden color.
“Mr. Hang?”
Yan Jie called softly.
“Hmm?” Jiang Nan’an responded, still looking out at the city.
“Why are you ignoring me after kissing? Was Little Spring’s technique not good enough to satisfy you?”
“No.” Jiang Nan’an lowered his eyes:
“I just still can’t figure it out.”
“What can’t you figure out?” Yan Jie followed his train of thought and asked:
“You don’t dislike my kiss, right?”
“Mm.” Jiang Nan’an nodded honestly, paused, then continued:
“But besides you, I haven’t tried with anyone else, so I still can’t tell if this is because you’re special, or if I have an indifferent attitude toward anyone’s kiss.”
Meaning he needed a control group? Yan Jie wouldn’t allow that.
Yan Jie was a bit worried, but also wanted to laugh.
He moved himself and the stool a bit closer:
“Then let me ask you, what am I like in your heart?”
Jiang Nan’an thought for a moment, adjusted his position, leaned back in the chair, met his gaze, and answered seriously:
“You? You’re strange.”
“Strange how?”
“…I don’t know. I’ve never met anyone like you. Everything about you is too far from me, so I can’t understand or empathize with your thoughts and choices at all. Maybe because I can’t understand, I’m a bit more curious about you than about anyone else.”
Jiang Nan’an calmly described his perception of Yan Jie.
Yan Jie kept looking into his eyes, and after he finished speaking, raised his eyebrows and asked:
“So, in other words, I’m very special to you, right?”
Jiang Nan’an felt this was a fair statement, so he nodded.
“Have you ever felt this way about anyone else?” Yan Jie continued to ask.
“No.”
“I’m the first? The only one?”
“Mm.”
“Then what do you think you are like in my heart?”
“…”
Jiang Nan’an thought carefully for a moment:
“This is also one of the reasons I find you strange. The feeling you give me… it’s as if I’m very important to you.”
“Extremely important,” Yan Jie emphasized gently:
“Because I like you very much.”
“That’s even stranger.”
Jiang Nan’an looked at him, his gaze unwavering:
“You say you like me, you’re always good to me without reason, but I don’t know what there is about me that’s worth liking, nor do I know what you hope I can provide for you. I really don’t have much value, nor do I have anything to give you, so I don’t understand your liking for me.”
“Because I like you, that is the reason for being good to you. As for why I like you… love is inherently unreasonable. To put it mystically, perhaps it’s destiny that I was born to like you. Don’t belittle yourself; you have great value and are very worthy. But regardless, this can’t be the standard for ‘whether you should be liked or not.’ You don’t need to give me anything; you just need to stand there quietly to be liked by me, by anyone.”
Yan Jie moved closer, leaned on the armrest of the recliner, and reached out to fix a strand of Jiang Nan’an’s hair:
“You’re also very special to me. I’ve never met anyone like you either.”
“So this feeling is liking?”
“I don’t want to deceive a child, so I can’t say ‘yes.’ Because there are too many people in this world, and people more special and stranger than me might appear at any time, but that won’t necessarily be love for you.”
“…It’s getting more difficult.”
“This isn’t something that can be explained in just a sentence or two.”
Yan Jie chuckled lightly, and as his gaze fell, he noticed Jiang Nan’an’s slightly reddened lips.
His Adam’s apple moved gently, and he instinctively leaned in.
Jiang Nan’an didn’t avoid him, quietly accepting another kiss.
When they separated, Jiang Nan’an gently sniffed Yan Jie’s scent:
“I’ve heard people say that when you’re liked, when you’re loved, you can feel it. So can you feel that I like you?”
“…”
“You can’t?”
Yan Jie didn’t immediately answer this question.
As Jiang Nan’an said, he could feel that he was somewhat special to the other person, but he couldn’t be sure if that was love.
After all, Jiang Nan’an wasn’t an expressive person. He was like a lake, always quietly staying in his own world.
The fact that he was willing to kiss him didn’t necessarily prove anything. He might indeed have some feelings for him, but it was also possible that, as he himself said, he would accept anyone the same way, because he didn’t understand these things and therefore didn’t care.
“Do you want to like me?”
So Yan Jie changed the question:
“I can teach you, or I can wait. It’s okay if you don’t understand now. You can try with me first, and someday, when you truly feel my love and understand what love is, you can learn to reciprocate in the same way.”
Jiang Nan’an was silent for a long time this time, probably considering the feasibility of Yan Jie’s suggestion.
Finally, he softly responded:
“Okay.”
Yan Jie was a bit surprised.
He hadn’t expected Jiang Nan’an to agree so readily, especially since this person had always been unwilling to get involved in anything related to emotions. He didn’t know why Jiang Nan’an was suddenly willing to understand and make such a big change and attempt.
If he hadn’t confirmed there was no taste of alcohol, Yan Jie would have thought he was drunk:
“…So it’s settled then?”
“Mm.”
Well, whatever the reason.
Yan Jie took Jiang Nan’an’s hand and kissed the back of it:
“I’m really going to fall for you in this lifetime… Are you hungry? I’ll make you dinner. I didn’t get to make the rib and corn soup yesterday, so I’ll make it up to you today.”
As he spoke, Yan Jie got up and went to the bar to put on his teddy bear apron. Jiang Nan’an watched his back, his eyes moving slightly. After hesitating for a moment, he said:
“I think that without knowing enough, your subjective view of me will be somewhat idealized in your subconscious. Yan Jie, actually, I’m very flawed. There are many things that can’t be brought to light, that no one can know about. If you knew what I was really like…”
“What do you want to say?” Yan Jie raised an eyebrow and asked.
“You’ll regret it.”
Jiang Nan’an was somehow certain of this.
“If you’re afraid I’ll regret it, then tell me your little secrets in advance.”
“No.”
“Such a firm attitude?”
“Mm.”
“So you mean you have things that you think I probably won’t accept, but you won’t let me know, afraid that I’ll regret it if I find out, so you’re warning me now to make me reconsider and back off?”
Yan Jie summarized it very accurately, and Jiang Nan’an nodded:
“Yes. I can’t tell you what it is specifically, but out of respect for you, I can’t deceive you. I have to let you know that I have such malicious secrets.”
“What, are you actually a Burmese drug lord who’s a celebrity by day and roams the Golden Triangle by night?”
Yan Jie glanced at him, his lips curving into a smile:
“Don’t worry, since I’ve said I’ve fallen in love with you, I’ve definitely thought it through and passed my own test. If I really had so many concerns and fears and was so indecisive, I wouldn’t have brought this up in the first place.
“So, put your mind at ease, teacher. You can always trust Little Spring. The decisions I make, wherever they lead, are my choices, my fate. Once I’ve decided on you, it’s you forever, and once I’m certain, I never regret it.”
#
(advanced chapters available on kofi)
