VOLUME 4 — WINTER
Chapter 18: Shepherd’s Purse
In the fleeting, painful, and incredibly gentle days with Itsuki-senpai were the most precious in my 17-year life.
Separated from that warmth, a year had passed, and the short winter break came to an end. The third term began as usual, swiftly passing by.
Today is March 20th, the closing ceremony of the third term.
Today marks the end of my life as a second-year high school student.
As always, I listened to the long speech of the principal, thinking vaguely about how, the next time I come to school, I’ll already be a third-year highschool student.
On March 1st, we held a graduation ceremony to send off the third-year students, and watched them graduate with tears in their eyes.
In this area, it’s customary for graduation ceremonies to be held on March 1st.
─── No doubt, Itsuki also graduated from high school, just like everyone else.
About three months have passed since I left my heartfelt feelings for my senior.
In the end, not a single message came from my senior.
To say I didn’t expect anything would be a lie.
Perhaps, deep down, I hoped for even a single word of acknowledgment from him, who might have received my feelings.
But with each passing day, my heart became filled with the word “give up.”
And three months is more than enough time to completely crush my expectations.
“Shiori, are you going home already?”
Without even hearing the heartfelt farewell from our homeroom teacher, my second year of high school came to an end.
Perhaps sensing my feelings, Ayu-chan and Renji lowered their eyebrows somewhat sadly and called out to me as I was getting ready to go home.
I smiled at the two and said “thank you” for the past year. Their eyes widen in surprise.
I’m sure Ayumi-chan and Renji are still worried that I’m still hung up on Itsuki-senpai.
“(Today, I thought I’d stop by the library on my way home.)”
“Eh… the library?”
“(Yeah. Today, I’m going there to put an end to everything.)”
As I said this, Ayumi-chan’s eyes widened in surprise, while Renji, in contrast, gazed at me with determination.
“…Is it really okay, Shiori? Are you sure about this? Won’t you regret it?”
Grasping the strap of my school bag tightly, I nodded slightly, as if letting go of even the last drop of expectation.
“(… I won’t regret it. That’s why I’ve decided to end everything today.)”
“……Really?”
“(Yeah. I’ve decided that today will be the last day.)”
Renji’s question was met with my renewed determination, and upon hearing my words, he relaxed his expression as if resigning himself.
── In the first time in three months, I’m going to the library which were filled with memories of my Senpai.
But it’s not because I want to see him.
Today, I’m going to the library again to put an end to my feelings and memories for Itsuki-senpai.
＊ ＊ ＊
After parting ways with Renji and Ayu-chan at the station, I walked the familiar path to the library, taking more time than usual.
The memories of walking together with Senpai, his figure walking among the falling petals, and his beautiful profile as he gazed ahead with determined eyes flooded back.
The more I remember, the more my heart hurts.
Telling myself that it would all end today, I forced my legs to move forward with all my might.
But upon reaching the library, I found it difficult to organize my feelings.
Passing through the entrance, past the forest of books, and arriving at the shelf where I left my feelings for Senpai, my feet finally stopped moving forward.
( I have to go…)
The day I entrusted my feelings to a book.
In truth, I should have come here immediately to trace the whereabouts of those feelings…
In the end, my nervousness prevented me from confirming the fate of those feelings until today.
“….”
Taking a deep breath, I put all my strength into my legs that were rooted to the floor, and took a step forward.
With each step, it felt like crossing a suspension bridge over a gorge, making even breathing difficult.
Finally reaching the shelf where the book was, I closed my eyes once and then slowly searched for the book I was looking for.
(…There it is.)
And then, a single book caught my eye.
With a gulp, I reached for it─── as if under a spell, I slowly pulled the book from the shelf.
(…)
I picked up that book for the first time in three months.
Taking a small breath, I held the beautifully bound book, which had not changed in the slightest.
Three months ago, I definitely left my wholehearted feelings for Senpai here.
What I left behind was a bookmark and a handmade charm.
I desperately wanted to convey… to gift… my “utmost feelings” from that time.
But that book, on that day, reverted to its original state before I placed the bookmark and charm between its pages.
(Senpai…?)
Even if I thought so in my heart, there was no way to confirm it.
Perhaps someone else borrowed the book before Senpai did, and maybe they mistook the bookmark and charm as something forgotten and discarded them.
“(…I see. I see)”
But that didn’t matter.
I left my feelings for Senpai here, knowing from the beginning that this might happen.
Of course, the main thing was that I wanted to express my feelings to him.
But besides that, this was also a kind of gamble for me, testing the “bond” between us.
── Perhaps it might fall into someone else’s hands before Senpai’s.
── Perhaps the bookmark and amulet will be lost before they reach the Senpai’s hands.
But if my feelings didn’t reach Senpai through this, then it was probably meant to be that way from the beginning.
I decided to accept that our bond, Senpai and mine, was only that much.
He and I will continue to walk down paths that will never cross.
With that resolve, I entrusted everything to a handful of hope that day.
And now, three months later, with that resolve, I had come to today.
Until today, I hadn’t received a single message from Senpai.
Of course, Senpai hadn’t appeared before me either.
And there was no trace left by him in this book.
That means… I lost the bet.
I was once again reminded that Senpai and I were, after all, two people walking on paths that would never cross.
“(…It’s really all over today.) “
Muttering in my heart, I quietly returned the book to the shelf and slumped into the nearest seat, feeling drained.
At the same time, I took out my student handbook from my chest pocket and opened it to a certain page.
“…”
【6:45 AM, Car 1】
【Itsuki Souma】
There, the remaining words.
On that day─── at the moment I touched the kindness that connected Senpai and me. Tears that I had held back until now overflowed, and I buried my face in my arms on the desk, unable to contain them anymore.
(Itsuki… Senpai…)
I liked him. I really, really loved Senpai.
I wanted to tell Senpai how much I loved him.
Over and over again.
Even if it never came true, I just wanted to convey this feeling.
I understand painfully well that I, as someone with no redeeming qualities, someone who can’t even speak, am unworthy to have a crush on Senpai.
Even so. Even so──
I loved Senpai so much that I would forget about that.
But I couldn’t convey all of that.
On that day three months ago, I thought if I confessed to him, it would trouble him, the kind senpai that he was.
If he received a confession from me, he would be tormented by guilt.
For Senpai who is taking entrance exams, how could I be bothering him at the most important time?
If it seemed like it would interfere with Senpai, I couldn’t confess for my own satisfaction.
Because I couldn’t do anything to disturb Itsuki-senpai’s future any further.
So, that was─── that was all I could do, my utmost and greatest feelings at that time.
“(… I’m tired.)”
Thinking about such things while burying my face in my arms, my thoughts became increasingly clouded.
I was so nervous that I couldn’t sleep at all last night.
Thinking that today I would put an end to everything, I couldn’t get Senpai out of my head for even a second.
And so──
Amidst my hazy thoughts, what floated behind my closed eyelids was still the sight of Itsuki-senpai’s back at the station.
Following that lingering image, I heard Senpai’s warm voice calling me “Shiori.”
With a small smile at such fantasies, feeling the warm tears trickle down my cheeks, I quietly closed my eyes.
＊ ＊ ＊
── I don’t know how long I was asleep.
When I noticed, the time displayed on my cellphone was 5:30 PM, and I thought, Oh, is it already that time?
If Senpai were here, he would probably say we should leave the library before it gets dark, I thought, and the sadness that rushed over me as I woke up made my chest ache.
But, feeling such pain was also going to end today.
(… I have to go home. I have to say goodbye to Senpai.)
Thinking so, I couldn’t lift my face from the desk where I had buried it.
If I stayed here like this, I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to Senpai.
Thinking such childish thoughts, I slowly lifted my face, still clouded with haze.
“…Are you awake?”
“…”
“It’s getting dark outside, so it’s dangerous if we don’t head back soon, you know?”
But when I lifted my face,
The soft voice and sweet scent of Itsuki-senpai, which I had longed to hear over and over again, tickled my nostrils, and I couldn’t help but blink over and over again.
── Ah.
I’m still asleep, and I’m dreaming.
What a happy, convenient dream.
Because, right now, in front of me…
Sitting in the seat opposite mine, there’s Itsuki-senpai, whom I’ve loved for who knows how long, smiling at me.
“…Or rather, if I said that, I should’ve woken you up earlier, huh? But you seemed to be sleeping well, so I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“(Sen… pai…?)”
“…Just kidding. Actually, I was just sneaking a peek at Shiori’s sleeping face.”
Saying that, I couldn’t reply to Senpai, who laughed mischievously as if the past three months had been nothing but a lie.
Instinctively, I pinched my own cheek.
Then, a tingling pain spread across my cheek, and in that moment when I realized it wasn’t a dream. The smile on my senior’s face quickly faded with my tears.
“… I’m sorry, don’t cry. Let’s go outside for now. I’ll walk you to the station.”
“…”
With those words, Senpai’s hand touched mine, still cold as ever.
And prompted by Senpai’s warmth, so contrasting to that coldness, I stood up, holding back tears with all my might.
No, no. If I cry here, it will embarrass him.
Above all, if I cry now, it’s like saying I’ve been waiting for him.
Isn’t it like saying that I’ve been thinking about him for a long time?
But, but.
Is this really──
“Somehow… I felt like if I came to the library, I’d meet Shiori.”
Even though I thought I’d never see him again.
In this dream-like reality, as Senpai led me out of the library, the world was enveloped in a vibrant orange hue.
For some reason, just that made my chest tighten again, and I felt like tears were about to fall.
Why did Senpai suddenly appear in front of me?
Why now?
Watching Senpai’s back as he walked ahead, I kept asking myself questions that I couldn’t find answers to.
The journey from the library to the station.
As we walked slowly along the path we had walked so many times before, memories of Senpai flooded my heart again, making it hard to breathe.
Senpai who frowned at the sound of cicadas, Senpai who let out a sigh that he hated summer, and Senpai who mumbled that he felt a little lonely when summer finally came to an end.
Hey, Senpai.
The casual days I had with you have never faded and are still etched in my heart.
Itsuki-senpai is still, even now, coloring my heart vividly.
In the silence of my unspoken words, I cast them upon his back, and with each one, a tiny flower blooms in my heart.
But Senpai, who leads me by the hand, doesn’t seem to have anything to say, simply walking silently toward the station.
(Senpai…?)
The anxiety growing in me at Senpai’s demeanor is because fragments of my “expectations” have been shattered countless times already.
And then, before I knew it, when we arrived at the station, as if to confirm my anxiety, the hand that had been holding mine was easily released.
It’s the end of March, and the wind is still cold, and the sudden coldness touches my palms painfully.
“I had something I really wanted to tell you. That’s why I came to the library today, to look for youi.”
“(…Huh?)”
“I really wanted to be the first to tell you. So…”
But amid such heartache, there was no time to indulge in such sadness.
Senpai suddenly opened his mouth, quietly turned to me. He smiled softly, and slowly began to form his words.
“Today was the announcement of university admissions.”
“(Huh?)”
“The university I had as my first choice… I got accepted without any problems. That’s why I wanted to tell you right away.”
“…”
As he spoke, he took an envelope from his chest pocket and pulled out a piece of paper from it, then quietly handed it to me.
Prompted by him, I carefully unfolded the paper with trembling hands.
There, the words [Notice of Acceptance] were written, and below that was the name of the university Senpai had aimed for, which I had heard from Renji.
I read the notice over and over until holes formed, then slowly returned my gaze to Senpai, holding my breath.
“…Shiori, it’s thanks to you. Thanks to this charm you gave me, I was able to persevere without giving up until the end.”
“(That… is…)”
“Thank you so much.”
In Senpai’s hand, was where my utmost feelings I had three months ago was held. This time, I truly forgot how to breathe.
“I took it with me on the day of the exam too, right here, in my uniform pocket, and it gave me courage.”
“…”
“By the way, I also used a bookmark with the same name ‘Shiori’ written on it, which I used as a reference in my textbooks, and I still keep it carefully in my planner.”
“I’m sorry for thanking you so late,” he said. At the same time as Senpai said these words in a barely audible voice, tears of joy and relief overflowed once again.
Senpai’s smile faded quickly, and this time, before he could hold back, large teardrops began to fall one after another down his cheeks.
That day three months ago.
My feelings on that day had indeed reached him.
It reached Itsuki-senpai.
“(S-Senpai… congratulations… truly… congratulations… I… I’ve been wanting to apologize to you… It’s my fault that your university recommendation fell through, and because of that, I───!)”
“I apologize for causing trouble, truly.” he said.
As I cried like a child, unable to speak, Senpai’s beautiful finger suddenly touched my trembling lips, and I lifted my head as if my face were bursting with tears.
But before I could say the words I was about to say, Senpai looked at me and shook his head slightly, as if to prevent me from saying anything further.
“I don’t need any more words than that.”
“(S-Senpai?)”
“I’m glad I got into this university instead of the one I was supposed to get into through recommendation. I’m grateful to you for what happened back then, even though it was a result of what happened. She gave me the opportunity to broaden my horizons.”
“(…)”
“So, thank you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to take on the ‘challenge.’ And thank you for giving me the strength to overcome it.”
“(…)”
── This time.
This time, I really wanted to cry out loud, and as if to embrace me, Senpai wrapped his hand around the back of my head and pulled me firmly against his chest.
“…”
Without resisting, I grabbed the jacket Itsuki-senpai was wearing and pressed my forehead against his chest.
Tears that should have dried up in these three months overflowed one after another, quickly soaking Senpai’s shirt.
“I’m sorry for hurting you all the time. I’m sorry for making you wait. I’m sorry for disappearing without saying anything… I’m truly sorry.”
Senpai’s voice trembled softly, and just that made tears overflow uncontrollably once again.
Senpai… Itsuki-senpai.
Why are you so kind?
Why are you so warm?
I’m sorry,… those are the words I should be saying, yet Senpai took them all from me and made them his own.
And with those words from Senpai, I finally understood why he had cut off contact with me for the past three months.
Senpai must have done it to avoid receiving my apologies.
He came to see me with the result of “University Admission” to prevent me from apologizing for the incident.
To prevent me from apologizing for the incident, and to prevent me from feeling guilty about his future.
Senpai came to see me only after obtaining a definite result.
But that was the result of Senpai’s immense, incredible efforts.
Until today, I just kept thinking about him. Just simply thinking about Senpai and waiting idly without doing anything. These words and feelings were a waste of time.
Yes, that’s right. It’s a waste for me.
After all, Itsuki-senpai… Senpai wasn’t someone I could handle.
Because he was like a butterfly with beautiful wings that couldn’t possibly be reached by a weed like me.
Those wings must not be obstructed as they spread wide and soar into the sky.
The fact that Itsuki-senpai and I met like this was an immense miracle.
A miraculous… dream.
“(No, thank you. I’m so grateful to have met you, senior. To be able to share this joy with you… I’ve received so much happiness since I met you, Senpai..).”
“Shiori…?”
“(I’m rooting for you. Even when you go to university, always.I’ll be rooting for you from afar so that your dream of becoming a doctor will come true.)”
“…”
Slowly lifting my face buried in senpai’s chest, I wiped away my tears with my own hands, took a step back from senpai, and looked up at my beloved senpai with the best smile I could muster.
Yes, surely. This is the first and last favor I can do for senpai.
“(…Itsuki-senpai. Thank you so much until today.)”
Saying that, I bowed deeply once, and I could tell that Senpai took a small breath.
However, this is the best I can do “right now”.
Standing at this station where I first met Senpai, all I could do was bid farewell to my beloved Itsuki-senpai. It was the most I could do for now.
If there were someone nearby who might hold back Senpai as he tries to soar high in the sky, it wouldn’t be good.
From now on, Senpai, who aims for the shining sun at the end of the clear blue sky and spreads his wings, shouldn’t be distracted by the weeds at his feet.
When I lifted my face and smiled while looking up at him, he looked straight down at me, his eyes shaking with agitation.
Oh, that’s right. Even on that day three months ago, I couldn’t confess my feelings to him in the end, and today, I still couldn’t.
Which means, those were indeed words I shouldn’t have conveyed to him after all.
This must have been a feeling that I shouldn’t have conveyed.
[Love]
Just four letters, yet they feel so distant and voiceless.
But surely, even from now on, I won’t be able to convey them.
“(Well then, I’ll go back now. It’s going to be dark soon, so please be careful on your way home, Senpai.)”
“Shiori… I…”
“(Ah, but… please let me see you off. This is really the last time.)”
As I said that, tears welled up again, and to suppress them, I crossed my arms behind my back and desperately hid my tears with the pain of running.
Seeing me like that, Senpai looked upset. He, finally let out a small sigh as if giving up, and then looked at me with eyes that seemed to have made a decision.
“…I am truly grateful to you for today.”
─ Don’t cry. Don’t cry. If I cry, it’s no good.
“I’m really glad I met you, Shiori. I’m the one who should be thanking you for meeting me. Thank you.”
With that, Senpai, who smiled beautifully, touched my hair just once and then turned his back on me without hesitation and started walking.
I hated my selfish self. I hated myself for feeling lonely.
Senpai’s back gradually became smaller.
Feeling the warmth of Senpai leaving, tears welled up in my eyes again, and he disappeared from my sight.
Passing through the ticket gate, descending the stairs, and finally, when I couldn’t even see Senpai’s back anymore— I collapsed to the ground as if crumbling.
“…..”
Tears overflowed like a dam bursting, creating many stains on the asphalt.
Because, because, because…
Senpai’s future is so full of brightness beyond my imagination.
Overflowing with hope that cannot be held in both hands, dazzling to the point of blinding.
Senpai will become a university student from now on, and I’m sure he’ll become an even more wonderful person than now.
Achieving his dream and becoming a doctor, he will surely be a light to many people.
─ What can I do by Senpai’s side?
Someone like me who can only cause trouble to Senpai.
Even though there’s no way I can do anything for him, I can’t possibly stay by his side as I have been.
“…”
It’s painful, painful, painful.
I was desperate to swallow the reality that exists now.
Saying goodbye to him. That was supposed to be the only repayment I could give, but my heart didn’t clear as if it had lost all its brightness.
I’ve told myself over and over again that I want to be strong, that I should be able to be strong, but now I’m overwhelmed by my own weakness.
If I continue like this, it’s no good.
Even though Senpai taught me that there is so much kindness and irreplaceable warmth in this world by meeting him, if I’m crushed by sadness now, everything will be in vain.
Even though it’s painful, even though it’s sad.
I have to keep moving forward.
Even though he isn’t by my side, I have to walk while holding the many kindnesses that he has shown me.
“…”
And then, slowly lifting my face.
Something suddenly caught my eye. As if it were inviting me, I gently reached out my hand to it.
“(……Student, handbook)”
Ah, right.
It must have fallen out of my uniform’s breast pocket when I bowed to Senpai earlier.
Come to think of it, it was this student handbook that connected me with him.
With that in mind, I picked up my notebook and tried to put it away in my bag, hoping not to drop it this time.
─ But,
“(Huh…?)”
Just before the student handbook was swallowed up by the bag, I felt a “strange sensation” and instinctively stopped the hand from putting it away
“(This…?)”
This was undoubtedly my student handbook.
The student handbook I held in my hand and opened in the library just now.
But unlike what I saw at that time─── there was a small change.
I originally put a dog ear fold to indicate that I have aphonia.
Not just that. There was another dog-ear, one that I didn’t remember being there, on that handbook.
“(Why…?)”
Swallowing my breath, urged by my pounding heart, I hesitantly placed my trembling finger on that unfamiliar dog-ear.
And then, slowly. As if opening a door that shouldn’t be opened, I opened that page with fear───
“…”
Upon seeing the “voice” written there, I instinctively covered my mouth with both hands and cleared my throat.
[I love you]
…Senpai. Itsuki-senpai.
Upon seeing the familiar, beautifully written handwriting and the somewhat modestly spelled words, I recall the words he once said to me.
“Words can convey emotions, too.”
At that time, Senpai smiled and went on to say this.
“For example, when you’re anxious, the letters become a little smaller.”
Those reserved letters written in the student handbook.
The emotions Senior had when he wrote this overflowed onto the page, and tears fell onto the handbook.
The words, which were written a little smaller than usual, were brimming with my senior’s emotions. As I read them, a tear escaped my eye and traced a path down my cheek, landing on the page of the notebook.
“I realized once again that important feelings can be conveyed even if you don’t say the words out loud.”
Hey, Senpai. It’s true, just as you said.
Even if you can’t say it out loud.
There was a form of love that could be conveyed here.
Underneath the words of love from Senpai that seemed to disappear at any moment, another text was written in a flowing cursive in one corner of the open page.
[Your love brings color to my world.]
─── Your love has colored my world.
“…”
The moment I read those words, I began to run with all my strength.
Passing through the ticket gate, descending the stairs, I ran as fast as I could to the platform where Itsuki-senpai would be.
My breath was ragged, and the announcement that the train was coming to the station, a journey that felt impossibly far away, reached my ears, accelerating only my heartbeat.
(No, wait… please, don’t go yet, Senpai…)
Ignoring my labored breath and the pounding in my chest, I desperately ran towards the platform.
Running, running───
“(Senpai…!!)”
Seeing his figure, I shouted with all my might in a frenzy.
But with the voice that couldn’t make a sound.
Even though Itsuki Senior always stood on this side of the platform, so we could go to school together, why…?
I couldn’t help but stand there in despair as I saw my senpai standing on the opposite platform from where Kisou-senpai usually stands.
Thinking calmly, there was no certainty that Senpai would be on this side of the platform just because a train heading to school was coming.
(Why…? Because Senior always stands on this side of the platform, and we always go to school together, so I thought even now he would be on this side of the platform, why…?)
Perhaps the train heading towards the house where Itsuki-senpai currently lives was different from the direction I assumed.
If I think calmly, just because a train heading to school was coming, there was no certainty that Senpai would be standing on this side of the platform.
I forgot myself and thought that if I just came to the platform, I could meet Itsuki-senpai. But I made the wrong choice.
Especially when my voice won’t come out.
There was no way that Senpao, who was sitting on the platform across from me at the station platform, would notice me, just as the rush hour was coming.
(Why…? Why, of all times…)
Frantically pulling out my cellphone, I cursed my unlucky self at the sight of the words [Battery Died].
“(Senior… Itsuki-senpai…!!)”
Please, notice me, don’t go…!!
As I screamed in my mind, the last announcement signaling the arrival of the train on the opposite platform echoed.
In such a merciless situation, ah, this must be the end, I almost gave up, my voice will not reach him, at that moment───
“When… you…”
─── A liberated voice.
A voice so unfamiliar that I couldn’t even remember it myself reverberated through the bustling platform.
“…!”
I was met with stares from all the people standing on the same platform, but I didn’t have time to worry about it and I covered my throat with both hands.
N… now… I, can speak…?
But that thought only lasted for a moment. Oddly enough, a train slid into the opposite platform, and amidst the overflowing crowd and the train, Senpai’s figure disappeared in an instant.
(This is a lie… this can’t be…)
Even if I think that, time won’t turn back.
As announcements and bells rang again, the train carrying Itsuki-senpai departed from the station in the blink of an eye.
“(……why)”
─── The empty platform where he disappeared. With a thud, once again, I forgot my voice and, without caring about the eyes around me, crouched down on the spot.
…This kind of thing.
Just when I thought I had to convey it to Senpai, just when I thought I had to respond to Senpai’s feelings, something like this happened.
Does this mean I shouldn’t tell you?
I can only think that a cruel god is trying to keep Senpai and me from being connected───
“…If you sit there, you’ll get stepped on, you know?”
“…”
“…Honestly, you’re so reckless.”
Once again, those words I heard before, the same lines.
Turning towards the direction where the voice sounded, I saw Itsuki-senpai with a slightly breathless, displeased expression, brushing aside his disheveled hair. He was looking straight at me as I was crouching down.
“…If you hadn’t chased after me, I was thinking of barging into your house, you know.”
Were your words a lie or the truth?
Even so, like a butterfly with wings, Senpai slowly walked towards me and stopped in front of me as I knelt on the ground.
“I don’t like repeating myself. I bet on your strength, but when you said ‘Thank you for everything until now,’ it really got to me.”
“…”
“But… because you chased after me… I’ll let it slide.”
With that, in the next moment, gently,
Senpai embraced me as I was crouching down, as if enveloping me, and whispered with a voice that disappeared with a sigh, “I thought it was payback for making you worry…”
Wrapping my arms around Senpai’s body, grabbing onto his jacket, I buried my face against his chest again.
“L-lo…”
“…”
“S-Senpai… I… I love… you…”
As I said that, this time, a childish sob burst out of my mouth, and I cried out loud, not knowing how many years it had been.
I love you, I really do.
To finally be able to say those words out loud, and to feel Senpais warmth, I clung to him without caring about my sobbing state.
─── After that, I don’t know how long I cried in Senpai’s arms.
On the platform, which had become less crowded, I slowly raised my face from Senior’s chest, guided by him.
“Your eyes are really red… but… you’re cute.”
Saying that, Senpai smiled awkwardly and wiped away the last tear from the corner of my eye with his thumb.
Blushing at Senpai’s gesture and words, I looked down as he gently stroked my hair. Then, as if he had made up his mind about something again, he began to speak slowly.
“There’s actually… one more thing I want to tell you, Shiori.”
As he said that, he suddenly lost the composure he had just moments ago and frowned as if he had suddenly lost his confidence.
“I… I was really… hopeless. I was planning to take the entrance exam for a university where I was supposed to get a recommendation, just out of spite towards my father. I thought, even I could easily get into a university like that… but…”
He tightened his grip on my hand, which was held weakly, and his trembling hand shook slightly. I wondered what he was trying to tell me.
In order to not miss a single sliver of his true intentions, I listened carefully to Senior’s voice.
“So, really… The university I received an acceptance notice from was a university I chose after reexamining what I wanted to do in the future. Saying this might make you look down on me, Shiori. You might think it’s ridiculous to do it for that reason. But…”
“But”, he said, and Senpai lifted my hand and gently kissed the back of it, looking at me with trembling hands.
“I… want to become a psychiatrist. I want to be a doctor who can save people who have suffered from wounds in their hearts that they can’t bear on their own, like you, Shiori.”
“…”
“My future and everything else was changed by you, Shiori. Do you remember when… you talked about my name before?”
“… yes.”
“Like a ‘tree’ standing tall and strong in the forest, quietly resilient and ‘alive’… ‘Itsuki’. If that’s the case, what does the name ‘Shiori’ mean…”
Oh, why…
…Dad. Are you listening somewhere right now?
Somewhere out there, are you able to hear his voice?
“The character ‘Shiori’ means ‘a guidepost made of branches used when walking through fields and mountains’.”
“‘Shiori’, like your name, has always guided me straight. You’ve always held my hand. I am who I am now because of you, Shiori.”
Someday. Someday.
I always hoped that I could become a person worthy of the treasure-like meaning of the name my beloved father wished for.
“And so, I wanted to give my future to you, Shiori. I already can’t see anyone but you anymore, Shiori, to the point where I’m willing to give everything to you. But… what should I do…?”
Now, in front of me, are eyes filled with a powerful light.
── Surely, there are no greater words of love than this.
Always perfect in everyone’s eyes, Senpai, who possesses something that everyone envies, is now wavering with anxiety.
Senpai, looking terribly unsure, seems to think I’m going to be disgusted hearing those words.
Maybe he thinks I’m going to distance myself.
Senpai really is…
Truly, hopelessly mature yet so childlike.
“My… feelings… are still… as they were… recorded in that book…”
I haven’t heard my voice in years, and I still can’t remember how to properly use it.
Even so, as I want to express my feelings, Senpai suddenly turns away from me, releasing a heavy sigh.
“Itsuki…senpai…?”
“I… thought you’d… recoil normally.”
“Huh?”
“Being forced to decide the future of a man against your will. I thought it would be repulsive…”
With that, Senpai exhales deeply again, muttering something incomprehensible like, “More nervous than taking the entrance exam…”
“Senpai… I… I really… love you…?”
“…”
“I love you, that’s why…that’s why I’m really ha—-“
“I’m happy,” I wanted to say
I wanted to somehow convey all my feelings to him.
The words I was trying to say were not said because he suddenly put his lips on mine.
Senpai gently presses a kiss to the back of my hand, then looks at me and says,
“No more… saying anything.”
“…”
…A kiss… now!?
“…And besides, your voice is slipping out anyway. I wanted to become a doctor so I could make your voice come back… but if I keep talking, it’ll sound like the howling of a loser, so I’ll stop.”
“…”
“And… calling my name in that voice for the first time, and then saying ‘I love you’… was that some kind of strategy?”
“…”
“If it was, then Shiori might turn into a bad woman in the future.”
Saying “I better keep an eye on you from now on,” or something like that.
Although Senpai’s expression seemed malicious, his face was now flushed a shade of red I’d never seen before.
At that fact, my face felt as if I had a fever.
The familiar train station platform.
It hurts to see the gazes of the people around us, who have been looking at the two of us squatting down since earlier with annoyed expressions..
It seems Senpai feels the same way, as when I instinctively try to stand up, my arm is once again firmly pulled back.
“Sen…pai…”
“My name…”
“Could you call my name one last time?”
Softly, as if whispering in my ear.
As if weaving words that lure me like a sweet trap, I quietly open my mouth.
“I, It…, Its..?”
“…”
“Its…uk …”
“…”
“…Itsuki”
As I utter that beloved name, another tear trickles down my cheek.
For some reason, Senpai, who glances at me for a moment with what seems like resentment, remarks, “We’re quite a nuisance here at the station platform.”
After voicing the thoughts that couldn’t be heard by the voices of the people around us, he says with a smile, “But, since we’ve come this far, might as well be a complete nuisance to everyone.”
With those words, he smiles again and gently plants a kiss on my lips, like a butterfly landing on a flower.
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『Shepherd’s purse（ナズナ）』
I dedicate my everything to you.
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