A-Shu’s mother was the most beautiful woman in the entire Xiaoer Shi village. According to the village elders, Lin Disheng had given all the money his family had saved for half a lifetime to the matchmaker, just to get her to stay as his wife.
But this woman was restless. Even after marriage, she still thought about running away. Several times she ran out of the village into the mountains, and it took all the men in the village to catch her back. Once she ran even further, all the way to the small town at the foot of the mountain, but she was still recognized as someone who had run away from the village and was forcibly driven back.
In the village, a wife running away was a very shameful thing, and Lin Disheng had a bad temper, so the woman would suffer a beating from Lin Disheng every time she failed to escape. But even after being beaten, she didn’t learn her lesson. Once her wounds healed, she would think about running away again.
A-Shu didn’t know these things, as he hadn’t been born yet. He only heard about them later when he was old enough to work and overheard the village women gossiping.
They also said that this woman had suffered a lot, probably because her body had been damaged by her husband’s beatings. When she gave birth to A-Shu, she almost died, but fortunately, she was tough enough and barely survived.
After that, however, she could no longer have children, wasn’t as spirited as before, and wasn’t as beautiful anymore. She became sickly all day, wouldn’t talk to anyone, and didn’t do any work. It wasn’t clear if she still wanted to run away, but she would just sit under the old elm tree on the eastern slope, sitting there all day.
They said her mind was broken, and privately called her the crazy woman.
They also said that this woman deserved to become like this. A woman, after all, is just that-once married, she should be obedient. Not just in Xiaoer Shi village, but in all the surrounding villages, which woman didn’t live like this?
In such a place, there was no escape. Being caught and brought back meant being beaten, so it was better to just raise the child well and live out the rest of one’s life that way.
A-Shu didn’t understand some of what they said, but he understood that his mother becoming like this was all because of him.
A-Shu also knew that his mother wasn’t crazy. She just hated Lin Disheng, and hated him too, which was why she ignored people and wouldn’t talk to anyone.
Actually, in the very beginning, A-Shu didn’t even have a name.
Lin Disheng usually called him “Dog’er” or “Dog Trash,” and the neighbors followed suit, calling him “Little Dog.” Occasionally when someone said this name was too casual, Lin Disheng would just smile and say, “A lowly name is easier to raise.”
As for his mother, she generally didn’t call him. When he tried to talk to her, she would either remain silent or tell him to get lost.
Lin Disheng liked to drink, and when drunk, he would beat people. His mother couldn’t bear it and always hid far away. But when Lin Disheng couldn’t find her, he would get angry, and when angry, he would search for her even more, bringing her back to suffer more beatings.
A-Shu didn’t want this, so as he grew older and more aware, whenever this happened, he would carefully follow Lin Disheng, helping him pour wine, light cigarettes, and distract his attention. Occasionally when Lin Disheng was in a good mood, he wouldn’t do anything to him, but most of the time, he might suddenly and inexplicably receive a slap while pouring wine.
A child has little strength, and after being hit, he couldn’t hold things. When the wine bottle fell and broke on the ground, Lin Disheng would make him clean it up, not allowing him to use a broom, but picking up the pieces one by one with his hands.
As he grew older, he would kneel and beg Lin Disheng to stop when his mother was being beaten, but Lin Disheng would only get angrier, saying he was a cheap spawn born of a cheap woman, not on his side, and would beat him too. Afterward, he would stuff him into a wardrobe and lock him up, only letting him out when he remembered.
The longest time, Lin Disheng was dead drunk, and A-Shu stayed alone in the wardrobe from daytime until dawn the next day, crying and shouting to no avail. His mother heard the sound and tried to rescue him, but the cabinet door was locked, and the key was only with Lin Disheng, so his mother had no way to help.
After that incident, A-Shu fell seriously ill and took a long time to recover.
The grandmother who cared for him at that time said he was foolish, telling him not to provoke Lin Disheng anymore, asking what was the use of suffering so much for that woman who didn’t care for him, who didn’t even show concern when her own son was sick, saying his sincere heart was wasted.
But A-Shu felt it was okay.
After all, his mother became physically unwell and unhappy because she gave birth to him, so he owed his mother. For her, anything was acceptable.
So each time he stood in front of his mother, A-Shu was willing.
His mother was unwilling to work, so he did it. His mother’s cooking wasn’t good and angered Lin Disheng, so he learned to cook.
If he took more beatings, his mother would take fewer.
He was willing to do all this.
When he was nine, A-Shu accidentally overheard Lin Disheng talking with a friend.
The friend came from a neighboring village to drink with Lin Disheng, and while drinking, advised him, saying this woman was ruined-a silent, sickly person who was no longer beautiful, had a bad temper, wouldn’t work, and couldn’t bear more children. She was useless, so why keep her? Wasting food, better to leave her and spend some money to marry someone sensible, which would be better than the current situation.
Lin Disheng must have taken these words to heart, because from that day on, he stopped giving food to A-Shu’s mother.
During meals, he wouldn’t let her have her bowl, and if A-Shu tried to take it, he would get angry and beat him. His mother, also having a strong temper, simply turned and left, returning to her old elm tree to sit and pass the time.
A-Shu remembered, it was a sunny and gentle spring day.
While eating, when Lin Disheng wasn’t paying attention, he secretly hid half of his steamed bun. After washing the dishes, he sneaked out of the house and ran to the old elm tree on the eastern slope to find his mother.
His mother was sitting curled up under the tree, supporting her face, looking toward the distant mountains and forests, as if lost in thought.
A-Shu didn’t dare speak to his mother, fearing she would dislike him and tell him to get lost. So he quietly approached, took the steamed bun from his pocket, patted it clean, and carefully extended his hand to offer it.
When his mother looked up at him, A-Shu was actually startled.
Because his mother was usually not kind to him-either not speaking to him or telling him to get lost-he had originally thought his mother would directly slap away his steamed bun.
But she didn’t.
His mother just looked at that half steamed bun for a very long time, silently thinking, and finally, took his steamed bun and said, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome…”
A-Shu was pleasantly surprised.
With this word of thanks, he tried to be a bit bolder.
He quietly sat down, keeping a person’s distance from his mother, and just stayed with her quietly all afternoon.
At that time, he felt it was the most peaceful and happiest period in his short life.
After that day, A-Shu would save food for his mother every day, then go to the old elm tree to give it to her and sit with her for a while.
His mother would occasionally pick elm seeds from the tree to eat and would share them with him, eating together, but she still didn’t talk much.
But for A-Shu, this was already very precious.
And he knew that this happiness was all obtained in exchange for food.
Realizing this, he would eat a little less each day, and then even less, so he would have more to leave for his mother, which might make her a bit kinder to him.
Finally one day, perhaps because what he offered in exchange was finally enough, his mother suddenly spoke on a peaceful afternoon:
“Hey.”
“Hmm?” A-Shu looked at his mother with some surprise.
He saw his mother’s profile and heard her say:
“Your name is too ugly.”
Dog’er, Dog’er, indeed very ugly, the same name as the old yellow dog in the village.
“Mm.” A-Shu lowered his eyes and responded.
“…I’ll call you A-Shu.”
Hearing this, A-Shu was stunned.
His mother also turned to look at him and asked calmly:
“Do you know what it means?”
A-Shu nodded: “Big tree.”
“Mm.” His mother picked up a twig:
“Do you know how to write it?”
A-Shu shook his head.
So his mother took the twig and drew a pattern on the ground that seemed very complex to him.
“It’s written like this. This character is pronounced ‘Shu’.”
A-Shu also picked up a twig and tried to imitate her, but his drawing was crooked and didn’t look like it at all.
Later, he heard his mother seem to laugh.
This was the first time he had seen his mother smile.
Soon, his mother asked again:
“Do you know what my surname is?”
“No.” A-Shu looked at his mother with wide eyes.
“My surname is Yu. If you took my surname, you could be called Yu Shu, sharing a name with this tree, which is also called an elm tree (yu shu).”
After saying this, his mother paused and changed her mind:
“Never mind.”
She sighed, her tone becoming cold again:
“If possible, I really wouldn’t want to have any connection with you.”
So A-Shu understood.
His mother still didn’t like him, perhaps he still hadn’t done enough.
So he nodded and didn’t speak again.
However, after that day, his mother’s interactions with him increased.
His mother told him she liked trees, and also liked a poem about trees. She would recite it to him occasionally, until eventually A-Shu could recite it by heart.
His mother also taught A-Shu to recognize characters, first teaching him to write his own name, then numbers, and then how to write mountain, water, bird, and flower.
His mother would also tell him:
“These mountains are too vast, but the world you can see is too small. If you have the chance, you should try to leave.”
“Children your age outside are already supposed to be in school.”
“What is school? It’s where children your age learn knowledge together, read articles, learn addition and subtraction, learn to write, review history, and create the future.”
“Not like this wretched place, where even a book is hard to find.”
“You’re so unlucky, stuck with such a father, born in such a place… Well, there’s nothing to be done. Just live well, and in the future, as long as you don’t become like your father, don’t harm other girls, you’ll be considered a good person.”
A-Shu thought his mother was a magical person. She could always say impressive things, could teach him to write characters and recite poems, and would describe things he couldn’t imagine.
His mother seemed to come from another world but was trapped here, which was why she was so sad.
His mother had told A-Shu more than once that she wanted to leave.
And more than once she had said her health was poor, and she feared she would never be able to leave in her lifetime.
A-Shu felt that since his mother was so good to him, if he could do something for her, he would definitely do his best to accomplish it.
So when his mother asked him to get the small box Lin Disheng had hidden in the house, he agreed without hesitation.
“Have you seen your father’s small tin box for cookies? Do you know where he hides it? Tomorrow he’s going to the market and won’t be back until the day after. After he leaves, go and get that box for me as quickly as possible. Inside the box is a blue and white card with writing, my photo, and money. Go get them all for me. Will you?”
His mother’s physical condition was already very poor when she said this. Her complexion was bad, and she was very anxious. A-Shu sensed her anticipation and urgency, so he nodded.
Seeing him agree, his mother seemed very happy.
Because she cupped his face and kissed his forehead.
The small tin box his mother mentioned was something Lin Disheng treasured. He would always avoid people when taking it out, especially his mother.
A-Shu had occasionally seen him hide the box under the clay bricks beneath the bed. So, as his mother instructed, after Lin Disheng left early for the market, he sneaked into his bedroom to get the hidden tin box.
But that time, he wasn’t successful.
Because Lin Disheng returned unexpectedly and caught A-Shu hiding the tin box in his clothes.
In that moment, Lin Disheng’s ugly expression looked exactly like a demon to A-Shu.
Fortunately, Lin Disheng didn’t know A-Shu was helping his mother; he just thought he was stealing money, and cursed him as a good-for-nothing beast, a scoundrel, a cheap dog.
But A-Shu received the worst beating of his life.
That day the village was very lively, with everyone coming to watch and mediate, but Lin Disheng wouldn’t listen. The more people came, the more enthusiastically Lin Disheng beat him. The more others tried to persuade him, the more vicious Lin Disheng became, even burning him with cigarette butts, saying he needed to teach him a lesson.
A-Shu lay on the cold ground, his whole body numb with pain, his consciousness somewhat dazed.
He wondered if he was going to die like this.
The belt was raised high and came down heavily on A-Shu again.
He groaned, instinctively curling up in the corner.
It was then that his gaze moved past Lin Disheng’s triumphant figure to see his mother behind him.
Like a dead dog, he curled up in Lin Disheng’s shadow, one eye half-blinded by blood, his vision blurry and unclear.
He only saw his mother standing outside the window, looking at him through the dirty glass.
His mother’s gaze was complex. A-Shu met her eyes for a moment, but at the time he couldn’t see clearly or understand.
He only knew that she was like an outsider, coldly observing him in the midst of the situation.
After a moment, she looked away and left.
Later, replaying that scene in his dreams over and over, A-Shu realized that the emotion in her eyes was disappointment, perhaps even disgust.
He had failed to do what his mother had asked.
He had disappointed his mother.
A-Shu thought.
So, when Lin Disheng finally tired of beating him and let him go, A-Shu didn’t return to his room to rest.
He dragged his battered body, limping toward the big elm tree on the eastern slope.
I’m sorry…
He wanted to find his mother, to say sorry to her, to tell her that next time, next time he would definitely do better.
Next time…
The short distance seemed so long to him now. He had to rest after every two steps, endure the pain of his wounds, then continue forward.
But when he finally reached the old elm tree, his mother wasn’t sitting curled up beneath it as usual.
He saw his mother hanging from the branch of the old elm tree, looking so thin and frail.
There would be no next time.
When the wind blows, she sways back and forth with it.
#
(advanced chapters available on kofi)
