PTBLSI chapter 70

 

Qi Xi watched Fu Yanchuan wear the gift he gave him all night. When he woke up, it was as if the touch of pink was still in front of his eyes. Suddenly, he flipped the pillow over, covered his head, and shouted, “Brother Yan, what time is it?”

Fu Yanchuan usually got up early to go for a morning run. After running, he would come back, take a shower, and wait by his side for him to wake up. Today, after quite a while, Qi Xi still hadn’t heard Fu Yanchuan’s voice.

He immediately pulled his head out from under the pillow and looked around but didn’t see Fu Yanchuan. Then, he burrowed his head back under the pillow, unconsciously recalling the gift he had given Fu Yanchuan.

Before taking a shower, Fu Yanchuan hadn’t taken it off at all and had even asked him, “Xi Xi, does it look good? Do you like it?”

Qi Xi couldn’t answer. Fu Yanchuan’s skin tone was slightly dark, and only that patch of pink stood out on his entire body. Together, they didn’t look out of place at all—on the contrary, they made the barely concealed masculine tension even more obvious. Qi Xi stared at him until he went blank. Then, like a pervert, he hugged Fu Yanchuan and leaned over to rub his face against him.

Startled, Fu Yanchuan pressed down on Qi Xi’s head and asked, “Xi Xi, what are you doing?”

Qi Xi popped back up and answered seriously, “Brother Yan, can I eat it?”

After that, things got completely out of control. By the end, he didn’t know if he had driven Fu Yanchuan crazy or if Fu Yanchuan had driven him crazy. In any case, he was becoming more and more perverted. He absolutely didn’t dare mention this kind of thing to Xie Hui—otherwise, Xie Hui would scold him to death.

The person who turned him into a pervert didn’t even come to coax him. Qi Xi covered his head with a pillow and shouted,

“Brother Yan, if you don’t come back, I’m not talking to you anymore!”

After quite a while, there was still no movement in the room. He finally realized that Yanchuan might not be there. He suddenly sat up and saw his phone on the bedside table. It rang at that moment. Seeing that it was Fu Yanchuan, he immediately answered.

“Where did you go?”

Fu Yanchuan had left before 6 o’clock. Grandma Qin Hui didn’t accept the people he found to take care of her, so he had no choice but to ask a neighbor to look after her.

Early that morning, the neighbor called to say that Grandma Qin had fainted at home and been sent to the hospital. He didn’t wake Qi Xi. He rushed over, transferred Grandma Qin to a familiar hospital, and stayed there until around the time Qi Xi would wake up before calling him.

Hearing Qi Xi’s voice, he let out a long breath. “Grandma Qin is seriously ill. I’m at the hospital. Do you want to come see her?”

Qi Xi froze for a moment. Every month, he and Fu Yanchuan went to deliver things to Grandma Qin. Although she ignored them every time, she would secretly watch them from the window when they left.

Qi Xi felt that Grandma Qin didn’t really hate Fu Yanchuan. He nodded toward the phone. “I want to go.”

“I’ll have the driver pick you up.”

“Mm.” Qi Xi responded, then asked, “Have you eaten breakfast? Should I bring it to you?”

“Okay.”

Fu Yanchuan’s voice sounded emotionless, but he hadn’t heard Fu Yanchuan’s voice so cold in a long time. He must be hiding sadness in his heart.

Qi Xi wished he could appear beside Fu Yanchuan immediately and hug Brother Yan. He hurriedly jumped out of bed and said, “Wait for me! I’ll be there right away!”

Because Fu Yanchuan had instructed her, the housekeeper hadn’t left after cleaning. When she saw Qi Xi rush out in a panic, she thought something was wrong. “Xiao Qi, what happened?”

“I’m going to the hospital to see Brother Yan. Help me pack breakfast.”

After saying that, Qi Xi hurried to feed the orange cat. After feeding it, he grabbed the packed breakfast and ran off. The housekeeper was so frightened that she thought something had happened to Fu Yanchuan.

The hospital was the same one Qi Xi had stayed in a few times before. He quickly found Fu Yanchuan in the ward. Grandma Qin had just finished treatment, and the doctor was explaining the situation to Fu Yanchuan.

When Qi Xi walked in, the first thing he saw was Grandma Qin in bed. She was still unconscious and had become extremely thin, making the not-very-large hospital bed look spacious. He couldn’t help but think of his mother and grandfather when they passed away.

Fu Yanchuan saw Qi Xi, said something to the doctor, and the doctor left. Only then did Qi Xi run over and hug him tightly.

“Brother Yan, why didn’t you call me to come with you?”

Qi Xi’s voice was muffled in his chest. Fu Yanchuan patted his back and said, “I’m fine.”

“What about Grandma Qin? What happened to her?”

Qi Xi finally lifted his face. Seeing the heavy look in Fu Yanchuan’s eyes, he instantly understood.

Fu Yanchuan said calmly, “She’s old, and she’s been in pain all this time. Her body has reached its limit.”

This meant it wasn’t just an illness. Qi Xi’s tears immediately welled up. Fu Yanchuan had never told him the whole story about Qin Hui. All he knew was that Qin Hui and Grandma Qin were both very pitiful and that Fu Yanchuan had always felt guilty.

He suddenly held back his tears and comforted Fu Yanchuan. “Don’t be sad. You took care of Grandma Qin for so long—she must like you, too. She definitely doesn’t blame you anymore. Every time you went to see her, she would secretly watch you.”

Fu Yanchuan didn’t want Qi Xi to worry about him. He smiled slightly and asked, “Didn’t you say you brought me breakfast?”

Qi Xi lifted the thermal container in his hand, remembering only then. “Let’s go eat breakfast first.”

Fu Yanchuan took it. Seeing the deep red mark on Qi Xi’s hand from being burned by the handle, Fu Yanchuan rubbed it gently, feeling distressed, and led Qi Xi out of the ward.

The hospital had a rest area for family members where they could eat. After Qi Xi and Fu Yanchuan finished eating, they returned to the ward.

Fu Yanchuan asked Qi Xi if he needed to go to work. Qi Xi hurriedly shook his head. “I already asked Director Cheng for time off. Let’s stay here with Grandma Qin. She must be very lonely by herself.”

“Okay.”

After that word fell, the room fell silent. Fu Yanchuan held Qi Xi’s hand tightly and they sat down together on the nearby sofa.

He didn’t tell Qi Xi that the first and only time he had ever seen Lin Xianjing that happy and confident was also the first time she had attempted suicide—and the first time that had left an impression on him regarding human death.

That day, Lin Xianjing put on a red dress she hadn’t worn in a long time and said to him, “Yan Yan, Mom will dance for you. Will you accompany Mom on the instrument, okay?”

He had sensed something from the beginning, yet he didn’t stop her. Only at the very end did he learn that there was no medicine in the drink Lin Xianjing had given him.

In the end, Lin Xianjing lay calmly on the bed, holding Yan Yan’s hand and telling him, “Don’t be so obedient to your father. You have to use your own eyes and your own thoughts to judge what is right and what is wrong. Do what you like and become the person you want to be.”

But in his 28 years, he hadn’t known what he liked or what kind of person he wanted to become.

At noon, Grandma Qin woke up. She was in high spirits and didn’t look like someone who was seriously ill at all.

Qi Xi happily moved closer to the hospital bed. “Grandma Qin, would you like some fruit? The doctor said you can.”

Grandma Qin turned her head to look at Qi Xi and smiled. She grabbed his hand and said, “Good child, don’t busy yourself. I won’t eat.”

“Then what would you like to eat?”

“I don’t want to eat anything anymore.”

As she spoke, she looked toward Fu Yanchuan, who was standing behind. Fu Yanchuan didn’t move at all. Qi Xi hurriedly pulled him over, and he staggered and bumped into the hospital bed.

Then, Grandma Qin reached her hand toward Fu Yanchuan. Qi Xi understood her meaning and held Fu Yanchuan’s hand, sending it over.

Grandma Qin grabbed Fu Yanchuan’s hand and pulled it over to stack it with Qi Xi’s. She held their hands and said, “I’m the one who let you down. I know what happened to Qin Hui isn’t your fault. I spent decades watching him grow up. Now that he’s gone, I have no reason to live. You’re all good children. In the future, live well. Don’t be like Qin Hui.”

Qi Xi couldn’t stop his tears from falling. He hugged the frail old woman tightly and said, “Grandma, you’ll get better. From now on, I’ll call you Grandma. I’ll come see you every day.”

“I know I’m almost there already. Going early to see my Hui is good, too. I can’t pay you back for what you’ve spent on me, so don’t worry about me. Go live your lives.”

Fu Yanchuan gently pulled Qi Xi up, wiped his tears, and said to Grandma Qin, “You rest first. We’ll come back later.”

After Qi Xi followed Fu Yanchuan out of the ward, he asked, “Brother Yan, where are we going?”

“To Grandma Qin’s house.”

He didn’t know what Fu Yanchuan was planning. After they arrived, he got the keys to Grandma Qin’s house from the neighbors.

After opening the door, he went straight to Grandma Qin’s bedroom. He packed up all the photos on the bedside table and found a photo album under the pillow.

On the way back to the hospital, Qi Xi opened the album in the car and pointed to a little boy in one of the photos. He asked, “Brother Yan, is this Qin Hui?”

Fu Yanchuan nodded. He flipped through the pages one by one. The little boy in the album grew into a teenager and then an adult. He realize that Qin Hui was not quite the same as he had imagined. In the photos, at least, Qin Hui looked sunny and cheerful, always smiling.

When they arrived at the hospital, Fu Yanchuan silently placed the photos beside Grandma Qin’s hospital bed and put the album next to her pillow.

Grandma Qin didn’t finish saying anything. When they left the ward, Qi Xi only heard the old woman’s crying.

Late that night, Grandma Qin passed away. At the moment she closed her eyes, her hand was tightly gripping a photo of Qin Hui when he was little.

The photo was taken at the entrance of an amusement park. Qin Hui was smiling especially happily. Grandma Qin’s last words were that it was Qin Hui’s birthday that day. She had taken him to the amusement park he had always wanted to visit, but she found out after arriving that the tickets cost more than a hundred. She didn’t have that much money.

In the end, they only took a photo at the entrance. Qin Hui wasn’t angry at all. In fact, he smiled especially happily and said, “Grandma, we came to the amusement park, too.”

Fu Yanchuan handled the funeral. Grandma Qin no longer had any relatives. Only a few neighbors attended, making it very desolate.

Everyone left that night except Qi Xi and Fu Yanchuan, who acted as filial sons and kept vigil for the old woman.

In the middle of the night, Qi Xi leaned against Fu Yanchuan and fell asleep. When he woke up, he found an extra person in the mourning hall, kneeling in front of the spirit tablet and burning paper.

Startled, he rubbed his eyes. After staring for a long time, he confirmed that it was indeed a person. After staring a bit longer, he recognized him. “Brother Yan, isn’t he the guy who scolded Qin Hui? Why is he here?”

Fu Yanchuan glanced at Fu Yuejiang in front of the spirit tablet. Fu Yanchuan knew that Fu Yuejiang had arranged for people to look after Grandma Qin; he just never showed his face. So, he wasn’t surprised that Fu Yuejiang came back at this time.

What surprised him instead was that, after more than half a year, Fu Yuejiang had restrained his temper quite a bit. Hearing Qi Xi talk about him didn’t make him fly into a rage; he even mocked himself.

“I’m not just a bad guy. You should scold me more harshly—call me a scumbag.”

It was the first time Qi Xi had seen someone ask to be called a scumbag. He asked sincerely, “Are you sick?”

“Yes! Terminally sick. Ask Brother Yan why he still hasn’t killed me to avenge Qin Hui after all this time.”

Qi Xi didn’t know what had happened between Fu Yuejiang and Qin Hui. He looked at Fu Yanchuan in confusion. His expression was so serious that it seemed as if he would immediately rush over and shove Fu Yuejiang’s head into the brazier with just one word from Fu Yanchuan.

Suddenly, Fu Yanchuan stood up, pulled Qi Xi up, and said, “Xi Xi, go sleep. We’ll stay here.”

“We? You and him?”

Qi Xi remembered that not only had Fu Yuejiang scolded Qin Hui, but he had also caused trouble for Fu Yanchuan. His face was full of worry; he was afraid that Brother Yan would be bullied.

Fu Yanchuan turned his face away from Fu Yuejiang and back toward Qi Xi. “I’ll call you when we leave for the burial tomorrow morning. Go to sleep.”

“Then you have to call me.”

“I promise.”

There were also rooms at the funeral home, but they weren’t in very good condition. Fu Yanchuan had planned to send Qi Xi home to sleep, but he refused and stayed in one of the rooms at the funeral home instead.

After Qi Xi fell asleep, Fu Yanchuan returned to the mourning hall.

Fu Yuejiang was tired from kneeling, so he sat directly on the floor. His temper had changed, and he was a completely different person. In the past, he looked like a spoiled second-generation heir. Now, he looked like a worn-down refugee who had lost all hope.

He lit a cheap cigarette in the brazier, looked at Fu Yanchuan, and asked, “Why are you the only one who got what you wanted?”

Fu Yanchuan sat down next to Fu Yuejiang and burned a stack of papers in the brazier. After a long while, he said, “Maybe I was simply relying on the fact that the person I met was Qi Xi.”

Fu Yuejiang stubbed out the cigarette he had just lit on the ground and burst into laughter. The laughter echoed harshly through the empty mourning hall. Then, as if cursing him, he said, “I hope you never get exposed in your whole life. Otherwise, he might suffer even more than Qin Hui!”

“Thank you.”

Fu Yanchuan smiled calmly at Fu Yuejiang and said, “Locker 204 has Qin Hui’s belongings. They were found while sorting Grandma’s things. If you want them, go get them yourself.”

Although Fu Yuejiang didn’t believe that Fu Yanchuan had good intentions toward him, he still couldn’t resist the temptation to look before Grandma Qin’s burial.

The locker wasn’t locked. He stood there for an unknown amount of time before finally closing his eyes and opening the door. when he opened his eyes again, he saw only a worn-out notebook.

With trembling hands, he picked up the notebook as if he were holding Pandora’s box. He struggled and hesitated, but in the end, he couldn’t resist the last remaining thirst of his dried-up life and opened the notebook.

Sure enough, Fu Yanchuan hadn’t had any good intentions toward him. The first half was filled with unrequited love for Fu Yanchuan that he dared not confess. The second half was filled with endless hatred toward him. In the end, page after page was filled with his name, each stroke as if he wanted to slice him apart with a knife.

He let out a light laugh and closed the notebook, but something fell out. He hurriedly lay on the ground to look for it and finally found it under the locker.

It was a ring—the gift he had given Qin Hui for his 20th birthday. The initials of his name were engraved inside the ring. He had forced Qin Hui to wear it. Later, Qin Hui told him that he had thrown the ring away.

So it hadn’t been thrown away.

He clenched the ring tightly in his palm. Qin Hui had kept this ring—could he believe that Qin Hui hadn’t been completely without feeling for him? That he might have loved him?

Unfortunately, he would never know. Whether or not Qin Hui had ever loved him, the thought was nothing but bone-gnawing torment.

“Ah—”

Fu Yuejiang couldn’t cry. He could only roar in powerless rage. His voice, in the funeral home before dawn, sounded like the howl of an evil ghost.

The lockers were located on the only path leading to the mourning hall. Qi Xi hadn’t slept much and came out early on his own. When he reached the area near the lockers, he happened to hear Fu Yuejiang’s voice. He didn’t recognize the voice and thought it was a ghost crying.

No, there are no ghosts in socialism.

But this was a funeral home—what if there were?

Fearful yet gathering his courage, Qi Xi followed the sound.

The streetlight in the corridor wasn’t very bright. It shone down right over Fu Yuejiang’s head. He was kneeling on the ground, still wailing.

Scared to death but unable to resist his curiosity, Qi Xi stuck close to the wall. He carefully moved closer and finally recognized Fu Yuejiang. Disappointed, he turned to leave.

But after walking two steps, he felt that Fu Yuejiang’s cries sounded too painful. He went back, crouched down in front of Fu Yuejiang, looked at him for a moment, and said, “Stop shouting. If you keep shouting, others won’t be able to rest in peace.”

Fu Yuejiang stopped shouting and smiled at him. “Aren’t you afraid I’ll kill you again?”

This time, Qi Xi was full of confidence. He replied without fear: “You look like you’re about to die already. I could probably crush you with just two fingers.”

“You’ve gotten bolder! Did Fu Yanchuan teach you?”

Fu Yuejiang sat down on the ground, lit a cigarette, and took a drag. Seeing that Qi Xi still hadn’t left, he asked out of curiosity, “You came to talk to me—does Fu Yanchuan know?”

“Am I not allowed to talk to you?”

Fu Yuejiang laughed again. “Do you know who Qin Hui is? Didn’t he tell you what I did to him?”

“What did you do to him?”

“I killed him.”

Qi Xi’s confidence from earlier disappeared after hearing those four words. However, he immediately remembered that Fu Yanchuan said Qin Hui had committed suicide. It was impossible that Fu Yanchuan had lied to him.

Confused, he examined Fu Yuejiang, not understanding why he would say that.

Fu Yuejiang took a deep drag of his cigarette and said to himself, “If it weren’t for me, he’d probably be living very well now. He would have become Fu Yanchuan’s most capable assistant and could have been your love rival.”

Qi Xi thought that Fu Yuejiang seemed a bit mentally unstable. Suddenly, Fu Yuejiang stared at him and abruptly asked, “Do you love Fu Yanchuan?”

Qi Xi had actually thought about this question for a long time, too. He asked Fu Yuejiang in return, “What counts as love?”

“Hah?”

Fu Yuejiang looked at Qi Xi mockingly and took a puff of his cigarette. “Actually, I don’t really know either. Maybe loving someone means wanting to give them everything you have, even if they don’t want it. It means being unable to stand seeing him smile at someone else and knowing there’s someone else in his heart. Even though you know it’s wrong, you can’t stop yourself from feeling jealous. Even if he doesn’t want you, you still try to find ways to keep him by your side. It means that when you close your eyes, all you can think about is him. One casual word or small gesture from him, and you turn it over in your head again and again; your joy and sorrow swing without reason. It means wanting to smile when you see him smile and hurt even more when you see him in pain. After he dies, everything else in the world loses its meaning—”

As he spoke, he crushed the burning cigarette in his hand. “Unfortunately, I didn’t understand at the beginning that this was love—”

“Xi Xi!”

Fu Yanchuan was about to wake Qi Xi up, but he saw Qi Xi with Fu Yuejiang halfway there. He ran over, hugged Qi Xi, and blocked him behind him. He glared at Fu Yuejiang.

“Brother Yan, I’m fine.”

Qi Xi glanced at Fu Yuejiang, took Fu Yanchuan’s hand, and said, “Let’s go back to the mourning hall.”

Fu Yanchuan looked Qi Xi over carefully. Only after confirming that nothing was wrong did he relax. He ignored Fu Yuejiang and led Qi Xi away.

Shortly after returning to the mourning hall, it was time for the burial. The ceremony was very simple. Fu Yanchuan thought that Fu Yuejiang wouldn’t come, but he arrived just as the coffin was being lowered.

Grandma Qin’s grave was next to Qin Hui’s. After the burial, Fu Yuejiang sat motionless in front of Qin Hui’s grave. The ring that had been tucked inside Qin Hui’s notebook was now on his finger.

Fu Yanchuan didn’t say anything. He truly understood what Fu Yuejiang’s future life would be like — such dead silence. Living was the best atonement for Fu Yuejiang.

The newly risen morning sun shone on the road back. Fu Yanchuan turned around and took Qi Xi’s hand.

“Xi Xi, let’s go home.”

 

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