Cen Lingqiu had imagined many ways Yu Mingjiao might react when they met again.
Perhaps she would cry her eyes out, or be overcome with emotion.
But never this outcome.
Cen Lingqiu couldn’t accept this reality. She asked tentatively, “Jiao Jiao, these past few years… have I always been by your side?”
Yu Mingjiao hugged her again. “Sister Lingqiu has always been by my side. You’ve never left me.”
A lie.
She had clearly been gone for five years.
Five years, nearly two thousand days and nights. She hadn’t seen Yu Mingjiao for a single day, so how could she have always been by her side?
This could only mean that Yu Mingjiao’s hallucinations had been going on for five years.
Cen Lingqiu suddenly found it hard to breathe, and she couldn’t help but be shocked.
She had never imagined that Yu Mingjiao would miss her so much. Five years was enough time to forget many, many people. Yet, Yu Mingjiao had always remembered her. Was it as she said—had she been waiting for her all this time?
Cen Lingqiu couldn’t put the surging emotions in her heart into words.
She caressed Yu Mingjiao’s face, wanting to say that she was back, that this wasn’t a hallucination, when the door opened.
Yu Sui’an came in carrying a bag. Seeing Yu Mingjiao’s room door open and hearing someone talking from a distance, she assumed Yu Mingjiao was hallucinating and talking to herself again. She started walking over, intending to try and reason with her.
Just as she reached the doorway, she saw Yu Mingjiao hugging a woman. The woman heard the sound, turned her head, and their eyes met.
Yu Sui’an’s eyes widened, and the bag in her hand fell to the floor. “Big Sis Lin Qiu?”
Cen Lingqiu looked over. Yu Sui’an seemed a bit taller, the childishness gone from her face. She was vastly different from the impulsive and willful little girl of five years ago.
Now, she was a proper adult.
“It’s you,” Cen Lingqiu said. She was being held so tightly by Yu Mingjiao that she couldn’t break free, so she asked with concern, “By the way, what’s going on with your sister?”
“Big Sis Lin Qiu…” Yu Sui’an’s expression was bitter. She seemed to understand Cen Lingqiu’s intention. “Please don’t expose my sister. Just pretend you don’t know anything.”
Cen Lingqiu was silent for a long time before humming in agreement. “Okay, I understand.”
Yu Mingjiao was weak and listless. Cen Lingqiu stayed with her for a while, and Yu Mingjiao peacefully fell asleep by her side.
After she fell asleep, Cen Lingqiu went to the living room. Yu Sui’an was sitting there waiting for her. Seeing her, she stood up. “Big Sis Lin Qiu, is my sister asleep?”
Cen Lingqiu nodded and sat down across from Yu Sui’an. “Can you tell me about her now?”
Yu Sui’an bit her lip, her expression filled with an unconcealable sadness. Her lips trembled a few times before she finally spoke.
“Ever since you left, my sister’s mental state hasn’t been normal.”
“At first, she would just talk to herself. I thought she was just too lonely, muttering to herself. But later, I noticed she would often smile at a certain spot.”
More than once, Yu Sui’an saw Yu Mingjiao smiling at empty space. She would even hold her drawings up to the air, as if showing them to someone, and then a pleased, beautiful smile would appear on her face, as if she had received praise.
Yu Sui’an grew very uneasy and asked who she was talking to. Yu Mingjiao said, “I’m talking to Sister Lingqiu. She’s smiling at me.”
A chill ran down Yu Sui’an’s spine. With a trembling voice, she tried to pull Yu Mingjiao back to reality.
“…Sister, Big Sis Lin Qiu can’t possibly wake up. She’s lying in the hospital; she can’t be by your side.”
Yu Mingjiao was stunned for a few seconds, then she frantically tore up the drawing in front of her as if she had gone mad. Perhaps her sanity had returned to reality, and she couldn’t accept the truth. She became frenzied, tearing at her own hair, screaming and crying with a broken voice.
She almost died that day.
When Yu Sui’an came to visit her the next day, she found that she had swallowed a lot of sleeping pills. Horrified, she scrambled to get her to the hospital. Luckily, her life was saved.
Only then did Yu Sui’an realize what a devastating blow this truth was to Yu Mingjiao.
She was in so much pain, so lonely that she couldn’t go on living. So she had to rely on something to survive.
She survived by relying on Cen Lingqiu, by relying on a pitiful, ethereal hallucination.
If she didn’t even have that, Yu Mingjiao wouldn’t be able to breathe.
From then on, Yu Sui’an never dared to tear away this mask.
This dreamlike mask had allowed Yu Mingjiao to hold on for five years.
Yu Sui’an’s eyes grew moist, and she bit her lip hard. “Big Sis Lin Qiu, my sister… she’s really had it so hard. She’s been waiting for you for these five years. Everyone thought you were dead, but my sister always believed you would come back.”
“…So, she has held on until now. But I know that, in reality, my sister has wanted to die every single minute of every single day.”
Cen Lingqiu sat on the sofa, her expression calm, but her body was as stiff and cold as a corpse.
It was as if her breathing had stopped. A long time passed before she recovered. She took a deep breath and touched her cold face.
“I know.”
Her voice was hoarse and raw.
“Sui’an, thank you for taking care of her all these years.”
Yu Sui’an shook her head. “She’s my sister. It’s nothing.”
“Big Sis Lin Qiu, can you sleep with my sister tonight?” Yu Sui’an remembered something. “Only you can help her get a good night’s sleep.”
“My sister can’t sleep peacefully. She’s always unable to sleep.”
“Okay.”
Yu Sui’an didn’t live here; she lived next door. It was already very late, so she had to go back.
Before leaving, she stood at the door, turned her head, and called out to Cen Lingqiu.
“Big Sis Lin Qiu, it’s a good thing you’re still alive.”
“It’s really… so good.”
Cen Lingqiu knew what she meant. She smiled slightly but said nothing.
After Yu Sui’an left, Cen Lingqiu returned to Yu Mingjiao’s room. Yu Mingjiao didn’t look peaceful even in her sleep. Her brow was slightly furrowed, and her lips kept moving, murmuring something Cen Lingqiu couldn’t make out even when she got closer.
Her skin was overly pale, looking ghastly white even under the warm yellow night light. Her cheeks were gaunt, small and thin, and her wrists were slender. Only her hair was still long and black, just like before.
Cen Lingqiu lay down beside her, gently stroking her face.
“Jiao Jiao…”
she whispered.
“These five years must have been very hard for you.”
Waiting for her had brought on a host of illnesses.
So foolish it was infuriating.
Cen Lingqiu’s eyes stung, and she was on the verge of tears.
In this world, no one had ever held such deep feelings for her. Never.
Sensing the familiar presence, Yu Mingjiao burrowed into Cen Lingqiu’s embrace, her body trembling slightly. Even in sleep, she was restless.
Cen Lingqiu held her in her arms, as if holding a fragile, breakable doll. She kissed Yu Mingjiao’s forehead.
“Get a good night’s sleep, Jiao Jiao.”
Cen Lingqiu hoped Yu Mingjiao would sleep well, but in reality, she couldn’t. Halfway through the night, she started screaming.
Cen Lingqiu was startled awake and instinctively patted her back. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Don’t be scared.”
Yu Mingjiao covered her ears, her whole body trembling, her voice fragmented.
“So noisy…”
“So noisy…”
“Shut up, shut up!”
All of Cen Lingqiu’s sleepiness vanished. She asked frantically, “Jiao Jiao, what’s wrong? Hmm? Tell me.”
“She’s telling me to die…”
Yu Mingjiao’s eyes were hollow.
“Who’s telling you to die?”
“Sister Lingqiu…”
Yu Mingjiao’s face was a deathly, bluish-white. “She’s telling me to go with her. I… I miss her, I want to go with her…”
Cen Lingqiu pressed her head into her chest and kissed her eyes. “No, Jiao Jiao.”
She kept repeating, “Jiao Jiao, she wouldn’t say that. She would never say something like that.”
Yu Mingjiao was lost in her own mental world. The fragmented female voice in her ears grew louder, overwhelming her, making her ears ring with a sharp, painful noise.
Unable to bear it, Yu Mingjiao struggled in her arms.
“Ah—”
She was like a fish out of water, thrashing wildly.
Cen Lingqiu could barely hold on to her. Her heart ached beyond words. Faced with the frenzied and fragile Yu Mingjiao, she couldn’t think of a way to calm her down.
Only now did she understand what Yu Sui’an meant when she said Yu Mingjiao couldn’t sleep peacefully.
It turned out Yu Mingjiao wasn’t just having visual hallucinations, but auditory ones as well.
These auditory hallucinations assaulted her every night, at every moment, impossible to shake off like disgusting leeches.
That’s why she couldn’t sleep.
Cen Lingqiu had always felt that her own past five years had been very hard, living in an apocalyptic world, with recurring physical pain. That was already agonizing enough.
But how much better off had Yu Mingjiao been?
Her behavior, her mental state… living like a madwoman every day must have been very hard, too.
Was their meeting truly the right thing?
Cen Lingqiu couldn’t find an answer.
Nor did she want to know the answer.
Whatever the answer was, she only knew that she couldn’t leave Yu Mingjiao, just as Yu Mingjiao needed her.
She needed Yu Mingjiao just as much.
Five years had made Cen Lingqiu deeply aware of her own feelings.
She loved Yu Mingjiao.
Love on every level.
Therefore, she couldn’t bear to see Yu Mingjiao in pain.
Cen Lingqiu cupped Yu Mingjiao’s cold, pale cheeks and kissed her trembling lips.
The touch of their lips was like a silent comfort. Cen Lingqiu’s movements were gentle, lingering on her lips.
In certain moments, a kiss is the best expression of emotion.
Yu Mingjiao’s frantic emotions began to subside. Her gaze was still vacant and dazed, but the voices in her ears slowly faded away.
Just as Cen Lingqiu was about to pull away, Yu Mingjiao suddenly grabbed her collar and fiercely kissed her.
The impact made Cen Lingqiu’s nose ache, and her breath was stolen away. It was as if Yu Mingjiao was pouring all five years of longing into this kiss.
It was called a kiss, but her actions were more like biting. Saliva exchanged, lips torn, blood spreading in their mouths, and clear saliva trickling from between their lips.
A wave of heat washed over Cen Lingqiu’s body. She was kissed until she was nearly dizzy. Yu Mingjiao was too fierce; it was both painful and pleasurable.
“Jiao Jiao…”
Cen Lingqiu was running out of breath. She patted Yu Mingjiao’s shoulder, a pleading sound escaping from between their lips.
“Slow… down…”
Yu Mingjiao had lost all other senses. She only knew she had to possess the person before her, to claim all of her breath.
Cen Lingqiu reached to grab her long hair, but fearing it would hurt, she changed the grip to a caress.
Cen Lingqiu truly couldn’t breathe. She pried Yu Mingjiao’s shoulders to break them apart. Cen Lingqiu could finally breathe, gasping for air. In a daze, she felt something wet on her face.
She looked up.
Sometime, Yu Mingjiao’s face had become streaked with tears. They fell, drop by drop, onto Cen Lingqiu’s face.
She said nothing, just lowered her eyes and cried.
Her crying softened Cen Lingqiu’s heart, and she sighed silently.
She raised a hand and pressed Yu Mingjiao’s head down.
“If you want to kiss, then kiss.”
With that, she kissed Yu Mingjiao’s lips again.
Yu Mingjiao continued to kiss her, tears streaming down her face.
That night, Cen Lingqiu tasted many, many bitter kisses.
