DCISBS chapter 69

By September, the weather was already turning chilly. Especially from a high place, the wind carried moisture that seeped into every pore, making it hard to stop shivering.

Xie Quan leaned on the rooftop railing, arms wrapped around himself, staring aimlessly down below.

The people on the ground looked tiny, gathered in small groups, laughing and chatting. Though it was a significant drop to the bottom, it probably wasn’t high enough to die from the fall.

If only he could throw Lu Zhanlei down from here.

Even if he didn’t die, he might end up half-paralyzed. Ideally, he’d spend the rest of his life in a hospital bed.

He only turned around when he heard a sound behind him. Lu Nanyang gave him a tired smile and walked over to his side.

“What did they say?” Xie Quan asked.

“Not much. I’m fine,” Lu Nanyang replied with a faint smile. “They lectured me a bit and let me go. No demerits, no points deducted.”

“They lectured you? What about Lu Zhanlei?” Xie Quan asked through gritted teeth. “He didn’t even get a warning, did he?”

Lu Nanyang was silent for a few seconds before replying, “This isn’t his fault…”

Xie Quan cut him off. “Are you insane, Lu Nanyang?! He brought a group of people and beat you up without a word. He even tried to smash your head with a stool! If that’s not his fault, then what the hell is?!”

“I told you, this is a family matter. It has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to—”

“Nothing to do with me?” Xie Quan laughed in disbelief. “Your family drama escalated to a full-on fight in front of the teaching building! Are you saying I’m supposed to just stand there and watch my own boyfriend get beaten half to death and not fight back?!”

“You think I wanted this?!”

Lu Nanyang suddenly raised his voice, slamming his fist on the railing. His eyes burned with despair as he stared at Xie Quan. “What do you expect me to do? Can I fight back like you? Can I hit their biological son? Zhanlei was barely four years old when he was kidnapped. Do you know what he went through before he finally came home? And then I—a stranger—took over his place, his family, his parents! What do you want me to do to him?!”

“You don’t owe them anything, Lu Nanyang!” Xie Quan shouted back just as loudly. “You didn’t ask to be adopted! The mess they’re in now is their own doing—it has nothing to do with you!”

“I do owe them!” Lu Nanyang roared, his eyes turning red. “If it weren’t for me, the Lu family wouldn’t be like this. If I hadn’t asked for that toy back then, maybe my parents wouldn’t have had that car accident. If—”

He couldn’t go on. Tears streamed from his eyes. He lowered his head and buried it in his arms, his shoulders trembling.

Xie Quan stood there, breathing heavily, unable to say a single word.

Lu Nanyang pressed his forehead against his arms, forcing the tears to soak into the fabric of his sleeves. Under the cover of his arms, he opened his mouth wide, silently screaming like a wild animal lost in the woods—or a suffocating fish floundering in shallow water. But not a single sound came out.

It was as if the whole world had been placed on mute.

A droplet of water suddenly fell onto Xie Quan’s cheek—then a second, and a third.

The dense mist that had long been gathering under the gloomy sky finally began to overflow. A fine drizzle started to fall, tapping against the cement surface of the rooftop and blooming into dark water stains.

“Xie Quan, I can’t treat him like that, I just can’t…” Lu Nanyang choked on his words, the last half of the sentence swallowed by his throat.

It felt like something was twisting Xie Quan’s heart hard, making it difficult to breathe. The surge of anger that had just flared up was quickly extinguished by the sudden rain, leaving only a dull, lingering ache behind.

“It’s okay now, Lu Nanyang.” Xie Quan grabbed his arm and pulled him into his arms with some force. “Nanyang, look at me. It’s okay now.”

It was the first time Xie Quan called his name like that outside of bed, and just that soft utterance nearly made Lu Nanyang burst into tears.

The rain gradually grew heavier, soaking into their clothes bit by bit. Xie Quan pressed Lu Nanyang’s head against his chest, gently stroking his cheek and hair again and again.

Lu Nanyang’s hair was getting wet from the rain, sticking to his forehead and temples, making him look very much like a drenched, homeless little puppy.

Xie Quan pressed his forehead against the puppy’s. Lu Nanyang’s body temperature was usually on the warmer side, but today it was chillingly cold. So Xie Quan reached out and gently stroked his cheek all the way up to his ear with the palm of his hand.

The soothing gesture seemed to have worked. Lu Nanyang’s shoulders no longer trembled as violently. He still buried his head in Xie Quan’s chest, not showing any intention of lifting it.

“Let me tell you a story,” Xie Quan said in a low voice. “Once there was a little dog. One day, it started raining while he was out, and he quickly got drenched. Then a little chick came along and lent him its umbrella.”

Lu Nanyang stayed silent, quietly listening.

“After giving the umbrella to the dog, the chick turned to leave. The dog chased after it and asked, ‘What about you?’ The chick said, ‘It’s okay, I won’t get wet.’” Xie Quan paused before delivering the punchline, “Because chickens can’t get wet.” (Note: A pun in Chinese—“鸡不可湿” sounds like “鸡不可失,” which can mean “a chicken (penis) can’t be lost” it’s a play on nonsensical logic.)

“F*ck.” Lu Nanyang couldn’t help but laugh, punching Xie Quan lightly in the chest. “You’re insane!”

Xie Quan laughed too, gently patting his back. “Feeling better?”

Lu Nanyang nodded. His hair brushed against Xie Quan’s chest, his voice still stuffy but sounding much improved. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Xie Quan cupped his face and lifted it. “Good. Lu Nanyang, I’m going to kiss you now.”

It was as if the pounding of the heart became the only sound in the world. Their lips and tongues entangled deeply, yet there was no trace of desire. It felt like he was being held and cherished tenderly in someone’s hands, being wiped clean with utmost care.

This kind of gentleness felt like a dream from long ago—so distant that he almost couldn’t recall its details.

He only remembered that in the dream, he had a dad and a mom. His dad would bring him treats after work, and his mom would gently pat his back on hot summer nights to help him fall asleep.

After waking from that dream, he cried for a long time. The pain was so intense it felt like his heart was being torn apart. So he swore never to have such dreams again, never to hold such hopes.

Eventually, he really did forget. Many years later, even if he tried hard to remember, he still couldn’t recall what the dream was about.

His nose accidentally bumped into Xie Quan’s glasses, so Xie Quan pulled away a bit and brushed aside a wet lock of hair from his forehead.

“I’m not like you,” Xie Quan said with lowered eyes. “There’s no one in this world I feel guilty toward. Xie Yuanqiang and Xu Qian gave birth to me, but they’ve never taken responsibility for me. Xie Yuanqiang treated me like an animal. Xu Qian was weak and powerless to stop him. I owe them nothing. From the moment I became the owner of my own house, everything I’ve done has been for myself. If stepping on others can help me climb higher, I won’t feel an ounce of guilt.”

“Lu Nanyang, I’m very selfish. My love is only enough for one person—you.” He slowed down his words to make sure each syllable was clearly heard. “I don’t care what happens to the Lu family, or what happens to Lu Zhanlei. I only care about you. Whether you’re happy, whether you’ve been wronged, whether you’re forcing yourself for others, and whether you put on a mask in front of me and think I can’t see through it.”

Lu Nanyang stared at him in a daze. Raindrops fell onto Xie Quan’s head, streaming down through his hair. Behind his glasses, those gray eyes looked more serious than ever.

He opened his mouth and began, “I’m not—”

“I suggest you think carefully before finishing that sentence,” Xie Quan warned.

“I…” Lu Nanyang couldn’t help but laugh. He rubbed his reddened eyes and blinked away the dampness. “Okay, fine. Something was bothering me. But I feel a lot better now. Honestly, I do think Lu Zhanlei went a little too far this time. I thought he’d at least be willing to talk to me. I didn’t expect him to bring people and go straight to violence, blowing everything up like that.”

“Now that’s more like it,” Xie Quan said, looking at him. “Next time you come to me with that face and say you’re fine, I can’t guarantee I won’t punch you.”

Lu Nanyang clicked his tongue. “You think you can beat me?”

“We’ll have to find out.”

Leaning against the railing, Lu Nanyang laughed. He thought about how Xie Quan actually could fight a bit—if they ever really went all out against each other, it’d be hard to tell who’d win.

But more likely than not, before it even got that far, he would already be defeated by those beautiful eyes of Xie Quan’s.

Lu Nanyang took a deep breath against the railing, then turned to flash a smile at his boyfriend. “Let’s go down. We shouldn’t be standing out here in the rain.”

……

On that rainy afternoon, they sat side by side on the stairwell steps. Xie Quan pulled a tissue from his pocket and helped Lu Nanyang dry his hair. The moment felt oddly familiar.

A few months ago, it was Lu Nanyang who had pulled him into the stairwell out of the rain, draped his coat over his shoulders, and lit a cigarette that left a faint lemon scent lingering in the air.

Back then, Xie Quan hadn’t realized that from that moment on, he had started to let someone into his life—into the territory he had once closed off completely, into the wounds he had never expected to share with anyone.

Lu Nanyang had shaped him.

Now, he wanted to give something back.

The stairwell was just as messy and dirty as the last time they came. Xie Quan frowned and used a tissue to push aside the cigarette butts on the ground one by one, then pulled out a clean one to wipe Lu Nanyang’s hair and face. “Great. Just recovered from a fever and now you’ve been standing in the rain all day. Not afraid you’ll be burning up again tomorrow?”

“My body’s not that weak,” Lu Nanyang rested his chin lightly on Xie Quan’s shoulder. “Unlike you.”

Okay, even while showing off he had to take a jab at him.

“Has he always been like that?” Xie Quan folded the tissue in half.

Lu Nanyang paused, then realized who Xie Quan was referring to.

“You mean Lu Zhanlei?” He gave a bitter smile. “Pretty much. I don’t know if it’s just his personality or if it’s because he was kidnapped when he was little. A four-year-old kid can already form memories. Maybe he resents me for taking his parents, and also resents Mr. and Mrs. Lu for not watching over him. At home, he blows up at the slightest thing.”

Xie Quan frowned. “No one controls him?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Lu always feel guilty toward him, so they indulge him whenever they can. When he first came back, the conflict at home was even worse. I basically couldn’t stay at home.” Lu Nanyang tilted his head back to make it easier for Xie Quan to wipe the rain off his forehead. “So I went and joined the military for two years, then came back to start college.”

So that’s why.

“Sometimes I don’t even know if Lu Zhanlei wants me to stay or not.” Lu Nanyang rested the back of his head on Xie Quan’s shoulder, the rustling of their hair making a faint sound. “When I’m home, he sneers at me a hundred times a day. After I moved out, he called me heartless and ungrateful. Maybe even he doesn’t know how to deal with this ‘older brother’ who suddenly appeared in his life.”

“You lived in that house for over ten years, Lu Nanyang,” Xie Quan emphasized. “If you want to go back, you go back. If you don’t want to, then don’t. That’s your choice, not anyone else’s. Got it?”

“Living there for years still doesn’t make it my home. Whether Lu Zhanlei came back or not wouldn’t have changed that.” Lu Nanyang gave a soft laugh. “I could act spoiled with my mom, but not with Mrs. Lu. I could throw tantrums with my dad, act childish, even run away from home during fights—but could I do that with Mr. Lu?”

“…” Xie Quan hadn’t experienced that kind of life himself, but just hearing Lu Nanyang talk about it made him feel a kind of unspoken pressure.

“Sometimes when I think about my childhood, I feel like I was really too willful with my real parents, didn’t know how to cherish what I had,” Lu Nanyang closed his eyes, his eyelashes resting quietly against his lower lids. “Back then, I actually argued with them, lied on purpose to avoid doing homework, got into trouble outside just to make them mad… Sometimes I wonder, maybe it was because I was too naughty, too immature, and that’s why the heavens punished me by taking them away so early.”

Xie Quan frowned and cut him off, “What does natural disaster or tragedy have to do with you? There’s got to be a limit to how much guilt you put on yourself.”

“Mm, you’re right.” Lu Nanyang smiled, eyes curving as he grabbed Xie Quan’s hand and played with his fingers, a strange glint suddenly appearing in his gaze. “Before I came to the Lu family, my surname wasn’t even Lu. Do you know what it used to be?”

Xie Quan let him fiddle with his fingers, his other hand pausing mid-wipe. “What?”

“Xie,” Lu Nanyang said gently, both his voice and gaze softening. “I used to be called Xie Nanyang.”