“How was your sleep last night?”
I went downstairs to find Shen Jianqing just finishing breakfast. He was holding a coarse ceramic bowl, slowly sipping the porridge. Seeing me, he offered a friendly smile and a polite greeting.
But when he mentioned about last night, I couldn’t help but recall that terrifying and eerie dream. A shiver ran through me, and I managed a forced laugh. “It was alright, just too many mosquitoes.”
Shen Jianqing diligently scooped a bowl of porridge for me and pushed a small dish of preserved vegetables my way.
I gratefully took the bowl of porridge and took a sip. Warmth immediately spread through my stomach.
Shen Jianqing suddenly moved closer to me, extending a finger to touch my neck. “What happened here?”
His finger was cool, yet after his touch, the raised bump inexplicably burned.
I instinctively tilted my neck away. “It’s probably just a mosquito bite, nothing serious. It’ll go away soon.”
“The mosquitoes in the mountains are quite venomous.” Shen Jianqing withdrew his hand with a hint of a smile in his eyes. “I have some ointment in my room; come with me.”
I initially wanted to wait for him in the living room, but Shen Jianqing stood at the doorway. Seeing that I wasn’t following, he paused by the door, gesturing with his eyes for me to come.
I had no choice but to follow.
This was my first time entering Shen Jianqing’s room. His room was well-lit, with natural light streaming in from the window, illuminating every corner of the room in precise detail.
A beautifully carved bed was placed against the wall, next to it was a wooden cabinet. At this moment, Shen Jianqing had opened the cabinet’s top lid and was leaning in, rummaging through its contents.
His room was neat and clean, with everything meticulously organized. Compared to my dorm room at school, it was like paradise.
“Just a moment.” Shen Jianqing said.
I surveyed his room, my gaze finally resting on the windowsill. That strange, dark container stood silently, completely out of place with everything else in the room.
“What is this?” I asked, reaching out to pick it up and examine it.
“Don’t touch it!” Before I could even make contact, Shen Jianqing cut me off sharply. “There’s something unclean inside; you’ll get your hands dirty.”
I joked back, “I heard Miao people can cast Gu. Is this your Gu container, then? Is that your Gu inside?”
It was meant as a lighthearted remark, but Shen Jianqing replied with unusual seriousness: “Li Yuze, I don’t cast Gu.”
His earnestness made me feel a bit embarrassed.
“Found it!” A moment later, Shen Jianqing returned with a small white porcelain bottle. “Sit down, I’ll put it on for you.”
His gaze was open and natural, without any hint of ulterior motives. It would be awkward for me to act coy. So, I simply sat on the small bamboo chair by the window, tilting my head to expose my bitten neck.
Shen Jianqing scooped a little ointment with his right index finger. A refreshing herbal scent filled the air. He moved in nearer, his left hand bracing my shoulder while his right hand grazed my neck.
The ointment felt cool, likely containing mint, giving a chilling sensation. Shen Jianqing’s fingers were warm, applying the balm slowly and evenly.
But even after a minute, he still showed no sign of stopping.
I turned my head to look at him and was startled by the peculiar look in his eyes. There was something unsettling there, something I couldn’t and didn’t want to understand. Hidden within his dark pupils were a ravenous beast and an unfathomable desire.
“Li Yuze, actually I…” His hand on my shoulder didn’t drop; instead, his body moved even closer.
The already small distance between us narrowed further.
I cut him off abruptly, standing up with a jolt, “Thank you! You don’t need to trouble yourself anymore!”
With that, I took two steps back, putting distance between us. Unsure what else to say, I simply retreated silently to the doorway and added, “I’m really very grateful.”
Shen Jianqing said nothing.
I turned to look at him. His head was lowered, his face veiled in shadow, and all I could see were the two whorls at the crown of his head. Silver ornaments and chains threaded through his hair dangled freely, endlessly entwined with his dark strands.
I’d heard that people with two hair whorls on their head were often stubborn and extreme, but Shen Jianqing was such a gentle and kind person, which just goes to show that rumors aren’t always reliable.
His dejected, forlorn look, like a puppy abandoned by its owner, was truly heartbreaking to see. But his gaze was too naked; even if I wanted to pretend not to notice, I couldn’t.
I left resolutely.
He likes me, this isn’t just a narcissistic delusion on my part. All his previous words and actions—the kind support on the iron chain, the repeatedly requested promises, the embrace under the trees… I’m not slow, nor am I foolish.
But this kind of liking is something I don’t need.
Yes, I don’t need it.
I know very clearly what I want and what kind of path I need to take. I can’t tie my future to someone who has no identity and can’t even leave this place. Even if he possesses rare beauty, even if he is gentle and kind-hearted. In my plans for the future, there’s no room for an unforeseen circumstance like Shen Jianqing.
Given that, I can’t string him along. Perhaps many people now think that dating and spending a lifetime together are two different things. But I’m not that kind of person, and I don’t want to get caught up in too many emotional entanglements either.
Perhaps Shen Jianqing has just been lonely for too long, so when he suddenly met someone his age, someone he could talk to, he eagerly offered his affections.
This isn’t true love, I told myself. Maybe some of my previous words or actions led him to misunderstand, but it won’t happen again. He should meet a girl or boy who truly reciprocates his feelings, but in any case, it’s not me.
I have to keep my distance from him, make sure I don’t send the wrong signals, and prevent him from sinking any further into this mistake.
After tonight’s Huoxing ceremony, we’ll pack our things and prepare to leave. I made up my mind.
Throughout the rest of the morning, I stayed cooped up in my room. At lunchtime, I just hastily ate a couple of mouthfuls and finished. Qiu Lu looked at me in surprise, saying, “Is that all you’re eating?”
I nodded, perfunctorily saying, “I’m full.”
Xu Zirong suddenly put down his chopsticks. “Hey, Ah Ze, your neck…” He winked at me, his eyes gleaming with a lecherous glint.
I instinctively reached up to my neck, catching Shen Jianqing in the corner of my eye.
He kept his head down, his face buried in his rice bowl, not saying a word.
“A mosquito bite. It’ll go away soon.”
“A mosquito bite. It’ll go away soon.” Xu Zirong pouted, mimicking me in a sarcastic tone. “No wonder you’ve lost your appetite and can’t focus. You had a romantic encounter, right?!”
From where can I have a romantic encounter?
I looked at him, completely puzzled.
Wen Lingyu also cast a questioning glance my way.
Qiu Lu raised her chopsticks and clamped them onto Xu Zirong’s lips, grumbling, “Even food can’t shut you up? Do you want me to sew your mouth shut with a needle?! Stop exposing your filthy thoughts!”
Xu Zirong played along with Qiu Lu’s actions, pretending to struggle, pouting as he said, “Lulu, I was wrong. It’s a mosquito bite, okay?”
Qiu Lu snorted, withdrawing her chopsticks.
I nodded to the group and returned to my room.
But I hadn’t been back in my room for long when there was a sudden knock at the door. I got up to open it, and Shen Jianqing was standing outside.
We stood in silence for a moment, neither of us speaking.
Finally, I broke the quiet. “What’s wrong?”
Shen Jianqing’s youthful face was expressionless. “Are you avoiding me?”
“I…”
Shen Jianqing looked directly into my eyes, his tone almost accusatory. “Didn’t you say you wouldn’t be disgusted by me? So quickly, and your own words don’t count anymore?”
“I’m not, I’m not disgusted by you.” He rarely showed such a cold expression, and I was a little unaccustomed to it.
Shen Jianqing continued, “Or have you realized my feelings, and that’s why you don’t dare to see me anymore?”
I didn’t expect him to be so bold and direct.
Then again, he had clearly probed many times before; it was I who had simply refused to believe it.
“Shen Jianqing, you’re still young. Perhaps this isn’t really love, but just a dependency formed after being lonely for too long and meeting someone you can talk to…” I tried my best to adopt an older-brother demeanor, attempting to persuade him.
Shen Jianqing stared at me, and under his deep gaze, I gradually found myself unable to speak.
But then he finally sighed, returning to the familiar demeanor I knew, and my suspended heart finally settled.
He said, “You didn’t eat enough for lunch. I steamed some glutinous rice cakes for you; they’re in the kitchen.”
“Ah…” I suddenly looked up at him. I hadn’t expected that at this moment, he would still be thinking about me not eating enough for lunch.
Immediately after, he pulled a plain white cloth pouch from his pocket. It was bulging, with a tightly stitched, uneven seam around the edge.
“This contains herbs for mosquito repellent. If you carry this with you, mosquitoes won’t bite you.”
He held it out to me, and seeing my hesitation, he tucked it into my chest pocket.
A faint scent of medicinal herbs enveloped me.
After placing it, he gave me one last look, said nothing more, and turned to leave.
I watched his tall, slender, dark blue back, his thin shoulders, and narrow waist, feeling a deep pang in my heart.
My heart was bitter and sore, my throat felt tight, and my eyes were swollen; something was already breaking through.
Shen Jianqing was too good. Even knowing I was avoiding him, he continued to be kind to me like a foolish, straightforward person.
Even a heart of wood or stone would find it hard not to be swayed.
What’s more, I’m not a block of wood.
To be honest, it’s hard for anyone to completely resist such a nearly perfect person. I admit my rationality and adherence to rules, but I also admit that I might have a slight fondness for him.
My pity and sympathy for him—an orphan from a young age, tormented by his own tribe; my gratitude for the moments he came to my aid, righteous and unwavering; my admiration for his strength, his self-reliance, and the kindness and purity in his heart; and that brief, unguarded flutter in my chest when he held me and spoke his secrets…
But it’s just a fondness, and nothing more.
If he were a girl, I might, I might, I might… I abruptly stopped my thoughts.
There are no “ifs” in this world.
Anything based on an “if” is meaningless.
I pulled out the herbal sachet from my pocket, and pinched it with my fingers. It was as swollen as my heart at that moment. I sighed silently.
Shen Jianqing is a good person, but ultimately, he is a boy.
