Life gradually settled down. I began to follow a routine of studying, attending classes, and reviewing. Everything seemed to have returned to the way I once yearned for it to be.
The disappearance of the four of us in the mountains and the fates of Xu Zirong and Qiu Lu had long since spread throughout the school. I heard that many counselors even used us as a case study for younger students in safety education, warning them not to venture into deep mountains without adequate safety precautions.
If our experiences could truly serve as a warning to them, I thought that would be a good thing.
The only slight ripple was that both Wen Linyu and I tacitly gave up on Professor Ye’s postgraduate recommendation program. I hadn’t asked Wen Linyu for her reasons; as for myself… I just felt that after seeing Qiu Lu and Xu Zirong, I couldn’t comfortably accept the postgraduate recommendation.
That evening, I received an unexpected call.
After senior year, the courses became much lighter. I had no classes in the afternoon and spent my time in the library. By the time I came out, it was already dark. A few days prior, I had moved out of the dorm and into the “home” I had bought earlier.
Calling it a “home” was really just a placeholder; it held no actual meaning for me.
Because I had long planned to develop my career in Yancheng, last year I used my savings to buy a small two-bedroom apartment in a convenient downtown location. My parents didn’t have much else, but they were never stingy with money when it came to me. If I just asked, they would never hesitate.
At this moment, the city lights were just coming on. Neon signs hung high, layer upon layer, on the downtown streets, and in a daze, they reminded me of the layered distant mountains in the Miao village. The smell of fried food wafted from somewhere unknown, making my stomach rumble just by sniffing it. There were live streamers and street vendors surrounded by many people, making it lively.
Perhaps some people are destined to live surrounded by crowds from the start, while others are meant to recede into silence.
“Ding—ding—”
The new phone’s default ringtone was shrill and unpleasant, but it was certainly attention-grabbing. I pulled it out of my pocket and saw the name “Li Shaoheng” emblazoned on the screen.
My heart felt a surge of surprise, but even more, an inexplicable anticipation that I couldn’t quite understand myself.
“Hello, Dad…”
Before I could finish speaking, a cold, strong, and unyielding voice came from the other end.
“Li Yuze, I already know about your situation. I only have five minutes; I don’t want to waste my breath with you.”
My heart stirred. Could it be that my dad knew about my disappearance in the mountains and was calling to express concern?
Yet, his tone was as serious and cold as ever; I felt no affection from him at all.
But the next moment, what he said left me stunned.
“Why did you give up on your Uncle Ye’s postgraduate recommendation program? I’ve looked into that program; it has national support and would be very beneficial for an undergraduate like you. His graduate students are all scrambling to participate, and your Uncle Ye values you, willing to give you this opportunity, yet you can’t seize it yourself! Are you even my son, Li Shaoheng’s son?”
With every word he spoke, my heart sank a little further until it finally hit rock bottom.
I said, “Is this all you called me about?”
“Do you know how precious my time is? I have an academic seminar waiting for me soon; if it weren’t for you, I…”
“You haven’t contacted me for almost half a year. Did you never worry that something might have happened to me?” I gathered my courage and abruptly cut him off.
Perhaps my voice was too loud, or perhaps the questioning and resentment in my tone were too obvious, as passersby glanced at me.
On the other end, his voice remained cold and self-controlled, like a machine: “What could possibly happen to you? You’re a man, not a little child. When I was your age, I was already heading the household!”
Turns out, he had no idea I had been missing in the mountains for five months.
He was devoted to academic research, sharing common interests with his assistant wife. How could he spare any thought to care about me, the troublesome son born to his ex-wife?
I should have guessed this long ago; I had just harbored some ridiculous expectation.
He saw that I wasn’t speaking and continued talking, absorbed in his own thoughts: “I forbid you from giving up on that project. Go back and talk to Professor Ye yourself. I’m doing this all for your own good, Li Yuze, clear your head…”
“What if my abilities aren’t enough?” I suddenly said, my voice cold. “What if I’m not interested anymore? What if I don’t want to do it? You only care about how good that project is, but no matter how good, it’s not suitable for your son!”
“Stop talking nonsense…”
Before he could finish, I faintly heard a gentle, soft voice from the other end: “Shaoheng, it’s your turn.”
The next moment, only the “beep, beep, beep” of a busy signal remained on the phone. He didn’t even have time to say “goodbye” to me.
I put down my phone, and a sense of powerlessness washed over me.
This was the most bustling area, with an extremely high flow of people, mostly young men and women. Some walked hand-in-hand, others smiled at each other, each with their own destination. I, standing alone, felt somewhat out of place in their midst.
Everyone brushed past me, but there wasn’t a single person whose name I could recall. In that instant, my eyes suddenly welled up with tears.
I don’t know why I was crying.
When my mother left me to go abroad in my childhood, I didn’t cry. When I was a teenager, alone at home, I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. With no one to help or care for me, lying on the ground barely clinging to life, I didn’t cry then either.
But now, alone on a street filled with people, I felt an unprecedented sense of confusion, grievance, and loneliness. Tears took advantage of my vulnerability at this moment, trying to defeat me.
I didn’t want to cry on the street; it would make me seem useless, losing face in front of everyone.
I forcefully sniffed and quickly walked towards the residential complex.
Back home, I casually tossed my belongings onto the sofa and then tossed myself onto the sofa as well.
I suddenly remembered I hadn’t bought dinner. Hunger gnawed at my stomach, reminding me to eat. But I lay on the soft sofa, not wanting to move an inch.
Out of the corner of my eye, I suddenly caught sight of a plain-colored object in the trash can. I focused my gaze and saw that it was the sachet Shen Jianqing had left for me.
It had always been tied around my neck, and I had long grown accustomed to its presence, so I brought it back home with me.
Yesterday, I took it off and casually threw it in the trash. But now, looking at it lying there pitifully, I suddenly felt an inexplicable wavering.
It was like a symbol, representing that dark past. I should resolutely draw a clear line with it and embrace a bright new life.
But in a moment of distraction, I actually picked it out of the trash can.
What am I doing?!
I was just about to throw away this hot potato, but the next second, I hesitated.
Keep it, just as… just as a lesson for myself. I quietly told myself in my heart.
