“Mr. Li, please have a seat.” The young woman, dressed in white, offered a polite smile. Her short hair was neatly combed back, and with a clean, decisive motion, she gestured to the already pulled-out chair.
I took a deep breath, forced a smile, and whispered my thanks as I sat down.
It was a very bright room, with clean windows and walls, and the incandescent light was soft and not harsh. In front of me was a solid wood square table, and on the bookshelf on the table were many psychology books. Against the wall was another solid wood bookshelf of the same color, packed with psychology-related books.
“What would you like to drink?” The woman asked softly. Her voice was very comforting, giving an inexplicable sense of reliability.
I said, “Water is fine.”
A paper cup was placed in front of me. I instinctively wrapped both hands around it, and the warmth spread through my limbs.
“Relax,” the woman smiled, pulling out the chair opposite me and sitting down. “Don’t be nervous. Just treat me as a friend. Tell me what difficulties you’ve encountered.”
I looked up, meeting her gentle, reassuringly smiling eyes, and nodded.
Coming here, to this psychological counseling room, took a lot of determination. Night after night, dreams haunted me; tangled thoughts plagued me. I felt like I was drowning.
I thought I needed someone to talk to, but looking around, there was no one.
The lecture that day was almost over when I returned, but the professor’s final words enlightened me.
“No matter where you go in the future, always remember that if you have any physical or mental problems, you must seek medical attention promptly. Especially with psychological illnesses, you must not shy away from seeking treatment.”
And so, I sat here.
I remained silent for a long time, unsure how to begin. She didn’t rush me, patiently watching me the whole time.
“Dr. Chen, do you ever keep dreaming about the same person?” I carefully weighed my words, testing the waters.
Chen Ci leaned slightly forward, looking very serious: “What kind of person is he? You can start by describing his appearance.”
I thought back, my hand clutching the water cup: “He… he’s very pretty. He has a red mole near his eye, appearing and disappearing when he blinks…”
“Very pretty. Is she a little girl?”
“No,” I immediately responded. “No, he’s a boy.”
Chen Ci arched an eyebrow and tilted her head slightly, angling her right ear in my direction.
This posture made me feel a desire to confide, and I boldly said, “He, he likes me very much. You don’t discriminate against homosexuals, do you?”
“Of course not. On the contrary, I believe love knows no gender.” Chen Ci’s smile remained unchanged. “What about you?”
“I agree with that view too… Ah, but I, I…” I was a bit incoherent.
Chen Ci immediately raised her hand, nodding repeatedly: “I understand. So, what do you dream about him?”
“Everything. I also dream about our last meeting,” I said, cutting to the chase. “It ended very unpleasantly.”
“What was it about?”
“He made a mistake, harming many people. Perhaps there were also some unavoidable reasons.” At this point, I found myself making excuses for him. I couldn’t help but think of Qiu Lu and Xu Zirong, feeling a dull ache in my heart. “I finally managed to escape, but I can’t stop thinking about him. Especially in my dreams, he always appears.”
“Mr. Li, please drink some water and compose yourself,” Chen Ci said. “It’s clear this person has a deep impact on you. However, based on our conversation and my observations just now, I don’t believe you have any psychological illness.”
I looked up, staring fixedly at her.
Chen Ci continued: “Your thoughts are clear, your expression is articulate, and you have a clear perception of your emotions. Everyone has emotional fluctuations; this is very normal. Of course, rather than prescribing sleeping pills, I think what you need more is a confidant. But I’m guessing you lack such a person in your current life.”
I nodded. She was indeed very insightful.
“Forgive my bluntness, but you can ponder one question for yourself: What are your feelings for this boy? That’s the question you’ve been avoiding.”
I lowered my eyes: “I… I’m not sure yet.”
“First, people can be right or wrong, but emotions aren’t. Mr. Li, you need to learn to accept yourself first,” Chen Ci said, her voice steady. “Once you have a clear answer to this question, if you still feel the need, you can come back to the consultation room to see me.”
It seemed she didn’t solve my problem, but as I walked out of Chen Ci’s office, I felt as if the invisible stone pressing down on my heart had significantly lightened.
She seemed very right; I truly needed a listener.
It was still early, and I didn’t want to just hide at home, so I packed my bag and went back to school, finding a study room to sit down in.
During a break from reading, I unintentionally looked up and saw a slender figure standing beneath a bookshelf not far away. A thin silver ribbon was woven into her hair, and I couldn’t help but look twice.
The person slightly raised her head, and I immediately shifted my gaze back to my book. But soon after, a figure suddenly appeared at the table opposite me. I looked up, and it was Zhao Rugu, who had just been under the bookshelf.
Her eyes were curved, looking quite cunning, and she cupped her chin with both hands, saying, “Senior Li, you were just looking at me, I caught you!”
I was too embarrassed to know how to explain.
Zhao Rugu continued, “I told you being a student assistant was worth it. Before, in the library, I used to sit right across from you, but you never even looked at me directly. I’ve been your direct junior for three years, yet you don’t know me.”
“Before?” I really hadn’t paid attention to who sat opposite me.
Zhao Ruguyu said openly, “Yeah, well, everyone said Senior Li loved to frequent the library, so I could only think of this way to run into you.”
Luckily, the study room wasn’t crowded; only a few students were seated far across several tables.
Her eyes were sparkling, and she looked eager, clearly not finished speaking.
“Actually, I…”
Fearing I might disturb others, I quickly pointed outside, signaling for her to step out with me.
Zhao Rugu gladly stood up and walked towards the door.
I naturally understood what she meant. I’d seen that eager look in many people’s eyes before. But back then, I didn’t think it was love.
Now, I still don’t think it’s love. Because I’ve now seen what a truly loving gaze looks like.
We found an empty terrace.
Zhao Rugu wasn’t shy at all. She looked up at me and said, “Senior, I really like you. If you weren’t going to be at that lecture, I wouldn’t have even wanted to be a student assistant. How about we give it a try, cherish this last year, and have a campus romance?”
She was a bit shorter than me, only reaching my nose. I lowered my eyes and asked, “What is it you like about me?”
Zhao Ruguyu paused, letting out a meaningless “Huh?” as if she hadn’t reacted.
“I said, what is it you like about me?”
“You just fit my ideal type,” Zhao Rugu thought for a moment, then squeezed out two more points, “and you write well, and you’ve had a scholarship for three years.”
As she spoke, my gaze involuntarily fell on her hair again.
Zhao Rugu seemed to notice too, raising a hand to tug at the thin hair ribbon.
“That’s it?” I asked, “What if you meet someone with an even more ideal appearance later?”
Zhao Rugu pouted, saying, “Oh, Senior, don’t be so conservative. Nowadays, isn’t dating just about feeling a connection and giving it a try? Why are you making it sound like an interview?”
Suddenly, I found it all quite uninteresting, and a sense of disappointment arose within me.
“Besides, you’re always staring at me. Don’t think I don’t know; you were staring blankly at me during the lecture that day.”
“I didn’t…” My explanation was cut short as I suddenly stopped.
A flash of realization hit me. I looked at the shimmering silver ribbon in her hair and finally understood something.
I always inexplicably felt she looked familiar. Perhaps Zhao Rugu was right; I had unconsciously looked at her many times.
But that was only because the thin silver ribbon woven into her hair bore a slight resemblance to the silver ornaments Shen Jianqing often wore in his hair.
Rather than looking at her, it was as if I was subconsciously looking at something that resembled Shen Jianqing.
