To head to Dongjiang and become a middle school teacher—though I didn’t know the full story between Ah Song and Wen Lingyu, I wasn’t the least bit surprised when Wen Lingyu made that choice. She seemed like a delicate young girl, yet her inner strength and resolve appeared far greater than I had imagined. At that moment, I even felt that I was inferior to her. She clearly knew what she wanted and was able to act on it.
Wen Lingyu met Xu Zirong’s puzzled gaze, her smile, like a spring breeze, blew over broken ice. “What’s with that expression? Shouldn’t you be happy for me that I found a job?”
Xu Zirong averted his eyes, rubbed his nose, and said, “No, of course I’m happy for you. It’s just, isn’t it a bit of a waste of your talent? Dongjiang is a remote little county… I remember you used to say you wanted to go to a first-tier city or stay in Yancheng to develop your career. Why the sudden change to Dongjiang? Given our school’s reputation and your academic performance, it really is a pity.”
When he said the word “Dongjiang,” Xu Zirong unconsciously frowned, it was a hidden expression of pain. After experiencing so many things, Dongjiang held different meanings for the four of us.
Wen Lingyu curved her lips, saying with a hint of self-deprecation, “What ‘waste of talent’? I did want to go to a first-tier city before, but I don’t feel that way anymore. Don’t they all say, ‘Plans can’t keep up with changes’? If every step of life went according to one’s plans, life would be too boring. I think Dongjiang is great, and this decision was made after careful consideration.”
Wen Lingyu’s soft words sent a slight tremor through my heart, and a sudden, profound realization surged through my limbs. If every step went according to plan, if every step was methodical, and everything happened as expected, life would be too boring. Life always needs some variables; without them, the long years would become stagnant water, where even the strongest wind couldn’t stir a ripple.
And Shen Jianqing was that variable in my life. He burst into my life when I was completely unprepared, then powerfully burrowed into my heart.
Like the Gu.
I suddenly understood the root of my pain. It wasn’t just about loving or not loving, letting go or not letting go, being together or not being together.
The most important thing was that when change came, when I should have changed the most, when I was closest to a new life, I stubbornly held onto my old ways, unwilling to deviate even slightly. I was afraid that after changing, I would neither get what I wanted nor be able to return to my past life. That’s why I clung to those so-called “plans.”
It was the contradiction between the transformation I subconsciously desired and my long-standing adherence to convention that plunged me into deep suffering.
Xu Zirong also nodded thoughtfully.
The three of us had dinner, after which Xu Zirong had to return to the sanatorium for further check-ups and rehabilitation, while Wen Lingyu and I returned to school.
On the way, Wen Lingyu walked beside me. The snow had stopped, and the snowflakes had melted on the road, leaving behind muddy patches. A thin layer of snow still clung to the tree branches, not yet melted, making the trees appear to have a white trim from afar. The novelty of the snow had gradually worn off for everyone, and they dispersed in small groups.
As we walked among the dwindling crowd, Wen Lingyu suddenly said, “Li Yuze, actually, I used to have quite a good impression of you. Someone like you, at first glance, seems so excellent; no one wouldn’t like you, right?”
I was momentarily stunned, not expecting her to say this so suddenly, but I still teased, “What do you mean ‘at first glance, seems excellent’?”
“It means you’re very good, but you’re always separated from us by an iceberg,” Wen Lingyu said, lowering her eyes, very earnestly. “Actually, in the Miao village, I gradually came to terms with reality. I knew I wasn’t the right person for you.”
“Hm?”
“You’re very reliable and decisive; being friends or a team partner with you is certainly great. But every time Lulu teased us, you would remain silent and keep everyone at a distance. Perhaps you don’t even realize it, but the detachment and rejection in your eyes were almost glaring.”
There was no condemnation in her tone; instead, a slight smile played on her face, like a friendly jest.
Being able to speak about it so casually proved she had truly found peace. I touched my face and said, “Do I? I think I’m okay.”
“Of course you do, I wanted to take a picture of you so many times!” Wen Lingyu thought for a moment, then added, “I think you, well, you can only find someone who’s passionate and has to be persistent in clinging to you…”
As Wen Lingyu spoke, Shen Jianqing’s image involuntarily surfaced in my mind. It fit him perfectly. It turned out Wen Lingyu had seen clearly long ago what I had been slow to understand.
I brushed aside a branch blocking my path, shaking down a flurry of broken snow. I said, “You’re going to Dongjiang for Ah Song, aren’t you?”
At the mention of Ah Song, Wen Lingyu’s demeanor softened.
“Actually, there are some things I really don’t know who to tell. People might even laugh at me for being foolish if I told them. Many people tried to talk me out of going to Dongjiang. But I know that only you can understand my motivation.” Wen Lingyu turned her head and glanced at me.
Indeed, I think we were both trapped in the same Miao region.
“Actually, when we were in the village, Ah Song helped me a lot. But at the time, I couldn’t understand his words and just thought he had ill intentions. But, but when we were lost in the forest, he suddenly appeared like a god. He liked me, I could tell. In that environment, there was nothing we could do to stop him if he wanted to. But he didn’t; he didn’t even dare to hold my hand.”
Wen Lingyu sank into her memories with a gentle smile on her face, but her bright, slightly downcast eyes unknowingly filled with tears.
“Xiao Wen…” I patted her shoulder comfortingly.
When we reunited that day, she questioned me about Ah Song in the coffee shop, and I changed the subject, not telling her. Now, I didn’t know how to begin to tell her. This outcome was truly cruel to her.
“I’m fine, I just feel a bit regretful. I was too panicked when I walked out of the forest that day. If only I had turned back to look at him one last time, to hug him. Wen Lingyu turned her face away, her back to me, her fingers lightly brushing the side of her face, her voice muffled. “I think I might never see him again in this lifetime, but I’m a little unwilling. Perhaps one day I’ll meet a second person who loves me very much, but right now, my decision to go work in Dongjiang isn’t made on a whim. I’m willing to go to a place close to him, even if he’s not there.”
Wen Lingyu let out a long breath after saying all that. I had once read in a book that strength wasn’t a term exclusively for boys; girls with delicate appearances could also possess strong hearts. I finally saw a living example of this statement in Wen Lingyu. Wen Lingyu knew what she wanted, how to get it, and what she needed to do.
“Xiao Wen, you truly are an amazing girl.” I said from the bottom of my heart.
Wen Lingyu shrugged, smiling softly. “Really? Actually, I’ve kept these feelings bottled up for so long, and it feels much better finally saying them today. I could only tell you these things.”
As we talked, we reached the entrance of the history department. Wen Lingyu quietly bid me farewell, then turned and strode up the steps without looking back, entering the department’s main door. I stood there, watching her long flowing hair move lightly with each steady and determined step. I suddenly remembered what Qiu Lu used to emphasize repeatedly: “Our Xiao Yu is the belle of the history department!” At that moment, I finally acknowledged the truth of that statement, not about appearance, but about the heart.
This year’s weather was very different from previous years; the snow fell and stopped intermittently, seemingly without end. People’s initial excitement for the snow faded, and they began to long for sunny weather again. When the snow finally stopped, the year also drew to a close.
The school was having a New Year’s Day holiday. Fourth-year courses had ended, and the few remaining specialized classes had completed their final exams, so we were effectively on holiday early.
“Ding—ding—”
My phone wouldn’t stop ringing early in the morning. I opened my blurry eyes and stretched a hand out from under the covers. At the same time, a rustling sound came from the bedside table. Hong Hong waved its limbs, crawled out of the potted plant on the bedside, and climbed onto my hand.
Initially, I had intended to keep Hong Hong outside, but every night, it would quietly crawl into my room. There was a gap under my bedroom door, enough to block people but not insects. Eventually, I had no choice but to place a pot of short grass by my bed and settle it in there at night.
I picked up my phone; it was Zhang Xu.
“Hello?”
Zhang Xu’s hurried voice immediately rang out: “Ah Ze, from the sound of it, you’re not up yet?”
I replied, “…What is it?”
“Isn’t it the holidays now? I was thinking our class could have one more activity before everyone goes home. I heard we don’t have any classes next semester, and a lot of people are either looking for jobs or preparing for exams, so it’ll be hard to get everyone together again.”
I fully woke up and readily agreed, “Okay.”
I never expected four years to pass so quickly; in the blink of an eye, we would truly go our separate ways. The four of us in my dorm room came from all corners of the country, and I feared it would be difficult to gather again once we parted.
Perhaps it was due to the cold winter weather, but Honghong seemed increasingly lethargic. Yet, every time I went out, it would insist on shrinking into my sleeve. It might just be a clingy companion.
This activity was set in a small classroom at school, simply to gather everyone for some small games that reminisced about the past. When Zhang Xu described the plan, I found it boring, but he merely wanted the atmosphere of everyone being together. All thirty-something people from our major showed up, which was quite a turnout.
Zhang Xu gave a brief opening speech, then said, “First, let’s talk about who made the most profound first impression on everyone.”
Everyone immediately started talking over each other. Four years was neither long nor short, but it was the most precious youth for all of us. Some found friendship, some found love, and everyone laughed and chatted with those around them.
However, no one mentioned me. Wen Lingyu was right; I was among the crowd, yet I always seemed to drift outside of it.
When it was Zhang Xu’s turn, he said, “Actually, the person in our class who made the deepest impression on me is Li Yuze.”
I unconsciously focused my gaze on him.
Zhang Xu continued, “I saw him first when I entered the dorm. Oh, this guy is so handsome! I thought at the time, ‘I hope I don’t lower the average attractiveness of our major!'”
Everyone burst into laughter.
The atmosphere grew lively, and Zhang Xu was extremely pleased. He quickly added, “Who would have thought such a handsome guy talks in his sleep!”
Everyone’s gaze fell on me, and I awkwardly tugged at the corner of my mouth. At that moment, someone, I don’t know who, asked, “What did he say! Come on, spill the tea!”
“Exactly, we’re graduating soon, fulfilling us, sisters’ wish!”
The smile on Zhang Xu’s face froze. He looked at me, unsure whether to continue or to joke it off and end the topic. He looked like a child who had made a mistake, both pitiful and helpless.
What did I say? Nothing more than calling out Shen Jianqing’s name.
If this were in the past, I certainly wouldn’t have been willing to make these things public. I clearly knew that not everyone could face same-sex affection with a peaceful mind. If I revealed it, it would inevitably attract some other kind of scrutiny.
But Wen Lingyu’s words had made me understand many things. Sometimes I cared too much about other people’s opinions, which only trapped me.
I cleared my throat and proactively said, “I often call a boy’s name in my dreams, what’s wrong with that?”
“Wow!” The classroom erupted as if a pot had boiled over. I saw many classmates’ eyes still sparkling with a strange light of gossip.
Since the words were already out, I simply gathered my courage and said, “I really like him. It’s not strange to dream of someone you like, is it?”
Everyone shook their heads, their expressions simply priceless.
Zhang Xu stood there dumbfounded, looking quite foolish. After a while, he slowly raised his hand and gave me a distant thumbs-up.
But my heart felt lighter than ever before. This is what it felt like to honestly and openly speak these words. Those secrets had been buried deep in my heart for too long, so long that they were almost taking root and sprouting, blooming a bitter flower. But now, I had spoken them out, and it hadn’t brought the criticism I once feared.
Perhaps it would, but what did it matter?
At this moment, I finally dared to truly say, I understood my own heart.
so melancholyyy huhuhu