Do I really can’t cast Gu?
Heh.
—
When my mother was dying, she lingered, unwilling to breathe her last.
She pointed to Shen Siyuan, my father’s ashes, placed by her bedside, her eyes filled with tears.
She could barely speak, yet she wouldn’t even look at me, only staring at a jar. Even when my Ah-ba was alive, he always looked at her with silent eyes.
But Mother always insisted that they truly loved each other, and Ah-ba was just sick.
Was that what love was?
After my Ah-ba died, my mother guarded his body until the stilt house reeked. She wouldn’t let go. If she hadn’t finally collapsed and fainted, the body would have rotted in the house.
When she woke up, my Ah-ba’s body was lying in roaring flames. She tried to rush into the fire like a madwoman. I held her back, and she wildly kicked, hit, scratched, and slapped me.
Love makes people lose their minds.
My mother, a woman who cared so much about her appearance, could instantly transform into a screaming madwoman.
But the moment she saw the ashes, my mother quieted down.
Ah-ba’s ashes were all black.
Because the love Gu she cast not only made Ah-ba unable to leave her but also devoured his body. Gu; after all, are venomous insects.
I looked at her and genuinely lamented, “It’s such a pity. If it weren’t for the love Gu, Ah-ba might have lived a few more years.”
She then looked at me with hateful eyes, tightly clutching the urn of ashes to her chest.
“What do you know? We truly love each other!”
Love means not letting go, even in death.
In my enduring memory, Ah-ba was always confined to his bed. His legs were almost withered, his body very weak, and his lips always pale.
When Ah-ma wasn’t home, I’d secretly go see him. He was so pitiful, he couldn’t even get out of bed; how lonely he must have been.
At times, he’d be in high spirits. During those moments, he’d let me climb into bed with him, wrap me in his thin, fragile arms, and teach me Han Chinese. He’d even call me clever, saying I picked things up quickly.
He also told me that beyond the Miao village, there was another world, a truly vast and free place. People shouldn’t be trapped here their whole lives.
The description was as beautiful as a dream.
But most of the time, Ah-ba seemed unwilling to see me, always telling me to get out and throwing things at me.
Ah-ma was also strange. When Ah-ba was nice to me, she’d chase me away, driving me out of Ah-ba’s room. But when Ah-ba was mean to me, she’d say, “What’s the use of having you? Ah Yuan doesn’t even like you!”
Love made them both so strange.
But that’s just love, right?
Love makes people look hideous, but it’s all normal, isn’t it?
As Ah-ma was dying, she painstakingly raised a finger, pointing at Ah-ba’s urn of ashes.
Ah-ba had been dead for several years, yet she had stubbornly refused to let his ashes be scattered in the river. According to village custom, a person’s ashes should be scattered in the river after death. But Ah-ma was unwilling. Sometimes she’d even talk to the urn, which initially always startled me.
She would hold the urn close, whispering tender words, saying how deeply she loved Ah-ba, how much she missed him, reminiscing about the beautiful days they shared. There was a weighty emotion in Ah-ma’s eyes; one I couldn’t name, though it seemed to consume her entirely.
I leaned down and asked her, “Do you want to be buried with the urn?”
But I thought the chief wouldn’t agree. Although Ah-ma often acted foolishly when it came to Ah-ba, her ability to refine Gu was quite good. She had used her Gu to repel several attacks from the swarms in the Gu Insects Forest.
She should be buried in the Forest of Valiant Souls. But Ah-ba, as an outsider, didn’t have that qualification.
However, Ah-ma shook her head and said, “I… want… to be with… Ah Yuan… not separated… Don’t bury him, I’ll come to see him. I’m afraid I won’t be able to see him…”
I understood.
“I’ll keep Ah-ba’s ashes safe. When you come back, you’ll be able to see him.”
Only then did Ah-ma manage a satisfied smile.
In the end, she finally seemed to remember me, her son, and grabbed my wrist. Her eyes widened as she struggled to speak: “If you… in the future… never… love Gu…”
She spoke in broken sentences, but I understood her meaning.
“I know, Ah-ma.”
Mother gasped, her chest caved in, and she trembled painfully. She turned her gaze, looking at the urn of ashes again, as if she wanted to say something more.
“Hoo—hoo—”
She drew strength from somewhere deep within, raising a trembling hand to point at the urn, her fingertips pale and drained of all color.
I was about to bring the urn to her, but the next moment, her hand dropped, and she lost all signs of life.
I couldn’t describe the feeling in my heart; it was just empty. In my daze, I finally understood that I no longer had anyone to rely on.
If there was no one, then so be it.
But I thought Ah-ma’s worries were unnecessary. If I loved someone, why would I resort to a method like Gu?
I had plenty of ways to keep him by my side.
The first time I saw Yuze Ah-ge, I admit I was captivated by his appearance.
What a beautiful person!
He stood with a slight hunch, head tilted back as clear liquid trickled into his mouth. His lips were a soft rosy hue; so delicate and charming, even more adorable than Hong Hong’s.
In that moment, I felt an unprecedented stir in my blood, as if it was about to boil!
It was a feeling I had never experienced before, my chest pounding, my heart feeling as if it would leap out.
I unconsciously followed them, watching from the shadows as they settled into the Miao village, watching them move back and forth with the crowds, doing strange things I didn’t understand.
I quickly saw in his eyes that he was a very lonely person. I suddenly couldn’t help but wonder, what would it be like if those beautiful eyes looked at me, always and always?
In the blink of an eye, he was left behind by his companions. Those few people laughingly turned into a shop, and he didn’t see it. At that moment, I clearly saw the dejected expression on his face.
But just when I thought he’d be sad, he pretended as if nothing was wrong and continued walking through the crowd. He probably didn’t even realize how pitiful his thin, solitary figure looked.
Yet, he still feigned indifference.
It reminded me of the green snake pinned down by Hong Hong—beautiful yet fragile.
When he went to participate in the foot-stomping ceremony, I inexplicably got angry again. Especially when I stepped on his shoe, and he didn’t even notice, still laughing and chatting with the woman beside him!
My anger reached its peak.
Why wouldn’t he look at me? Was I uglier than her?
I don’t know why I suddenly got so angry, even scrutinizing my own appearance. But I knew that I found it jarring when he was with that woman.
I didn’t like him sitting with anyone else.
I turned and walked away.
But as I left, I suddenly wondered, why am I getting angry over a stranger? Why does my heart feel so terrible? I never felt this way even when my Ah-ma died.
What is this feeling?
Before I understood this reason, I wouldn’t let them leave the Miao village.
Naturally, once I understood the reason, I became all the more unwilling to let him leave the Miao village or stray from my side.
To love someone is to possess them, isn’t it?
