Another dream.
In the dream, Jiang Yi led her through a pitch-black maze, the two of them like lab mice tossed into a dark box, sprinting desperately toward any glimmer of light.
A massive shadow loomed behind them, a grotesque monster of fate chasing them relentlessly, driving them deeper into the abyss. She followed Jiang Yi, watching as her figure was swallowed bit by bit into the darkness, all her screams trapped in her throat.
“Jiang Yi… Jiang Yi… no… Jiang Yi!”
With a terrified cry, Jiang Sixian jolted awake from the nightmare. She sat up in bed, clutching her head, curling into herself like a wounded animal in the dark, murmuring unconsciously, “Jiang Yi…”
The air conditioning in the room was set low, yet she felt as if she were trapped in a furnace, her entire body drenched in sweat. The clammy dampness clung to her skin, making her unbearably uncomfortable. Jiang Sixian pushed her sweat-soaked bangs back and sat still for a long moment before finally getting up and stumbling blindly into the bathroom.
With a click, the bathroom light flickered on. Jiang Sixian stepped into the shower, turned on the faucet, and let the icy water pour over her from head to toe.
The cold shock brought her back to her senses. She closed her eyes, and suddenly, the memories of that day flooded back. She couldn’t quite recall the weather that night—whether it had been starry, moonlit, or utterly dark—but in the end, it didn’t matter.
All she remembered was that Jiang Yi’s hands had been warm, her back steady, and her pheromones intoxicating.
Just thinking about it made Jiang Sixian’s stomach twist violently. She braced herself against the shower wall, dry heaving silently under the torrent of water.
The nausea burned through her until she doubled over, crouching on the floor, retching uncontrollably before finally regaining control.
Once the torment in her stomach subsided, Jiang Sixian stayed curled on the floor, letting the water wash away her tears before taking a deep breath and standing up.
She turned off the shower, dried herself, and wrapped a robe around her before stepping in front of the bathroom mirror.
The reflection staring back at her was a mess—damp, tangled hair, a deathly pale face, and red-rimmed eyes that made her look like a vengeful ghost. Jiang Sixian tilted her head, studying herself, and for some reason, laughed.
She wondered what Jiang Yi would say if she saw her like this.
Would she tease her mercilessly? Or would she be heartbroken?
The thought made the smile vanish from Jiang Sixian’s lips. It had been five years. Five years since Jiang Yi left. No matter how much she lied to herself, she knew—the one who had gone might never return.
Every time that thought crossed her mind, she wished she could die.
But Jiang Sixian knew she couldn’t. Because the life she had now was bought with everything Jiang Yi had. She couldn’t just throw it away.
Yet living like this… was agony.
When would this suffering end?
After drying her hair, Jiang Sixian lay in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Truthfully, since Jiang Yi’s departure, she hadn’t had a single restful night without medication.
Even with the pills, she still woke from nightmares. Over and over, until dawn.
She tossed and turned for a while before finally giving up and reaching for the sleeping pills on her nightstand, shaking one into her palm.
As she held the pill, a thought suddenly crossed her mind—what if she swallowed the whole bottle? Would she see Jiang Yi then?
The absurdity of the idea made her laugh. She really was beyond saving if she was entertaining something so ridiculous.
She didn’t know if swallowing all those pills would reunite her with Jiang Yi, but she did know one thing—if her mother came tomorrow to accompany her to the doctor and found her lying lifeless in bed, she would be shattered.
With a sigh, Jiang Sixian swallowed the pill. The bitter taste spread across her tongue, and she couldn’t help but think—she was such a coward.
She didn’t want to live, but she didn’t dare die. All joy had abandoned her.
Maybe this was the price of growing up.
After taking the pill, Jiang Sixian lay back down, her eyelids growing heavy until she finally drifted off.
It might have been a second, or an eternity—but the alarm on her bedside table eventually blared, pulling her from her haze. She got up sluggishly, washed up, and covered her puffy eyes with makeup before waiting for Ning Wenying to arrive and accompany her to the hospital.
On the way, Ning Wenying asked about her recent life, and Jiang Sixian answered dutifully. Knowing her mother worried, she held her hand and reassured her, “Don’t worry, didn’t the last checkup say I was getting better?”
“Look at how well I’ve been managing the company. What could possibly go wrong?”
Ning Wenying studied her daughter’s smiling face, her heart aching. She reached out, ruffling Jiang Sixian’s hair. “If you were really as fine as you say, I wouldn’t have to worry.”
“Xianxian, you can’t just bury yourself in work. You… you should go out with friends, relax, meet new people.”
Jiang Sixian chuckled. “Mom, I do go out. I go horseback riding every week, don’t I?”
Ning Wenying sighed. “But that’s for business. You know what I mean.”
“You—”
She trailed off, unable to finish. Jiang Sixian squeezed her hand. “I know what you’re trying to say. But you also know I can’t stand the scent of other alphas.”
“Even now, I still can’t stand being around others. I’m still scared.”
“But it’s fine, Mom… I’m getting better. Look, I’m handling work well, taking care of myself. Even if it still hurts, even if I can’t let go… I’ll learn to move forward.”
“Mom, I’ll let her go.”
Ning Wenying’s heart twisted at her daughter’s words. She stroked Jiang Sixian’s hair gently. “I’m not asking you to forget her. It’s okay if you can’t. But Xianxian, you need to live your own life. Take care of yourself.”
“People have to keep moving forward. Look at you… I haven’t been watching you closely, and you’ve lost so much weight.”
Jiang Sixian flashed a coaxing smile, blinking at her. “It’s just been a busy time at work.”
She laced her fingers with Ning Wenying’s. “By the way, Mom, didn’t you and Aunt Qionghua say you were going skiing in the Southern Hemisphere in July? How are the preparations?”
Ning Wenying smiled. “All set.”
Jiang Sixian’s eyes curved. “Then… have you thought about trying for a baby while you’re there?”
“Aunt Qionghua only has one child. I’d love for you to have another—give me a little sister. If you’re willing, maybe this trip could be the time?”
Ning Wenying froze, studying her daughter seriously. “Do you really want a sister that much?”
Jiang Sixian nodded. “Mm, I really do.”
If she had a sister to divert her mother’s attention, then maybe… when the time came for her to leave, it wouldn’t be so hard. Because she wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold on.
A corrosive despair had eaten away at her heart, and as the years passed, it seemed to have seeped into her very soul, draining her of life.
The worst part wasn’t being unaware of the decay—it was knowing full well that she was rotting, yet refusing to save herself, pretending to be normal while sinking deeper into the abyss.
When facing the psychiatrist, Jiang Sixian mustered every ounce of strength she had. She had read enough psychology books to know how to handle these sessions. Though her heart was in ruins, what she presented to the doctor was a battered but healing soul.
The diagnosis was optimistic. Despite the devastation Jiang Sixian had endured, the doctor believed she was on the path to recovery.
They recommended discontinuing the psychiatric medication, focusing instead on physical recuperation.
Ning Wenying exhaled in relief upon hearing the results. On the way back, a rare smile graced her lips. Jiang Sixian couldn’t help but smile too, squeezing her hand. “See, Mom? I told you I was fine.”
How could she not be fine? She was just in agony, yet unwilling to die. Because death meant an end to everything. And right now, she wasn’t ready to leave.
Ning Wenying sighed. “As long as you’re okay.”
She then launched into a series of reminders about self-care, all of which Jiang Sixian dutifully agreed to before having the driver take Ning Wenying back to the Jiang family villa.
Since Jiang Sixian had a meeting in the evening, she directed the driver to head to the company. But as they stopped at a red light, she leaned against the window and saw a group of high school students in white shirts and black slacks crossing the street, laughing and chatting.
Her mind instantly drifted.
For some reason, she thought of Jiang Yi again.
If Jiang Yi were still here…
The thought, once formed, was impossible to suppress. Jiang Sixian watched the students until the light turned green, then suddenly spoke. “Pull over. I’m not going to the office.”
She didn’t want to attend the meeting. She wanted to find Jiang Yi.
With that thought, she dismissed the driver, took the wheel herself, and headed for the outskirts of the city.
On the way, she called her assistant to cancel the evening’s meeting.
By the time she reached the mountain fork, the sun was setting. She parked, climbed onto the hood, and hugged her knees as she watched the dying light.
The evening breeze brushed past her ears, carrying a hint of chill. After a long silence, she turned toward a patch of dense shrubs and whispered, “Hey… Jiang Yi, can I go to you?”
The wind rustled through the trees, the leaves whispering as if in reply: No.
Jiang Sixian’s shoulders slumped. She rested her chin on her knees, tears glistening in her eyes. “Right. You always tell me no.”
“‘Don’t get too close.’ ‘Don’t touch me.’ ‘Don’t smell my pheromones.’ ‘Don’t—’”
“‘Love you.’”
“I hate it… I hate all your ‘no’s.”
“You lied about everything—pretending to dislike me, pretending not to care, pretending you didn’t love me…”
“Telling me to wait for you was a lie. Saying you’d come back was a lie too…”
“You’re the worst, Jiang Yi.”
Her voice cracked, and she buried her face in her arms. “But what do I do, Jiang Yi… I miss you so much.”
The wind carried her whisper far away—but not to the one place she wanted it to reach.
Jiang Sixian crouched on the car hood, listening to the rustling leaves, thinking of the scent in her room that had long since faded. Tears spilled over. “It’s been almost six years, Jiang Yi…”
“Will I never get to see you again?”
Huge thanks to Mountainrift for the support!
If you’d like to read ahead and support me, you can request extra chapters or get the full novel as an EPUB.
