Changing the subject, Qin Cheng held his hand, kissed it, and coaxed him in a roundabout way: “Our Heng Heng is very smart. If he’s uncomfortable or in pain, he tells me, and we face everything together. We’re always loving, happy, and joyful… This AABB-style phrasing[mfn]AABB式組詞 (AABB shì zǔ cí): AABB-type reduplication are for adjectives with two syllables (two Chinese characters), but each character is repeated individually (rather than the whole word). For example: 恩愛 (ēn ài), loving affection (in a couple); conjugal love → 恩恩愛愛 (ēn ēn ài ài), (of husband and wife) affectionately attached to each other. 開心 (kāi xīn), to feel happy; to rejoice; to have a great time → 開開心心 (kāi kāi xīn xīn), happy; happily. More information: Link 1, Link 2.[/mfn] is okay, right?”
“Very okay,” Jian Heng’s skill at praising his boyfriend has reached perfection, “a contemporary literary master.”
“The literary master’s heart hurts.” Qin Cheng took the cigarette from his hand, put it to his lips, and took a puff, squinting at the spiciness.
This cigarette was quite expensive. Jian Heng didn’t smoke it before, but ever since they met, Jian Heng switched to it. Later, Qin Cheng tried it by chance and found that the taste of this cigarette was somewhat similar to his pheromones——spicy and invigorating, like a divine revelation with a strong puff. Many first-time smokers ended up tearing up from the spiciness.
“It didn’t hurt when I didn’t get the money back, but when my boyfriend’s heart ached, mine ached too,” Qin Cheng said.
“It’s not that I can’t tell you,” Jian Heng took back the cigarette, extinguished it, and tossed it aside, holding his hand, “I’m just afraid it will upset you.”
“I never get upset when you talk,” Qin Cheng said, pressing his nose against his, affectionately rubbing against him. “I just can’t stand seeing you keep everything bottled up inside. I know you’re not treating me as an outsider, thinking of me as someone you can’t talk to, but you can’t keep everything inside all the time. I just want to be a listener, to let you vent. If you really can’t get over that mental hurdle, just pretend I’m forcing you to talk.”
Jian Heng didn’t say anything.
“I’d rather you think I’m unreasonable now,” Qin Cheng frowned, “than you always suppressing everything inside and then pretending to be happy in front of me. My IQ isn’t stable; what if one day I don’t notice you’re unhappy? I’d regret it so much that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night just thinking about it.”
“Qin Cheng.” Jian Heng called him after a moment of silence.
“Mm.” Qin Cheng stopped moving and looked at him seriously.
“Have you ever thought about killing someone?” Jian Heng’s expression was calm, as indifferent as ever, but there was a storm brewing in his eyes, a hint of hidden emotions peeking out like the tip of an iceberg.
Qin Cheng was taken aback for a moment.
Killing someone——those two words were too far removed from a harmonious society, so much so that he didn’t even react at first.
“I have thought about it,” Jian Heng looked at him, a calm facade hiding a volcano on the verge of eruption, “and I almost succeeded.”
Jian Heng said he had thought about killing someone, and he had even tried it, and ‘almost succeeded’.
Qin Cheng processed the information he had extracted, a few terrifying sentences that, upon deeper thought, were even more chilling. Even without deep contemplation, they were still frightening. A normal person hearing this might think there was a psychopathic killer lying next to them, their heart racing as they considered calling the police.
Qin Cheng didn’t. He was just thinking about Jian Heng’s previous question——“Have you ever thought about killing someone?”
Have I thought about it? I should have, and not just once.
The repetitive pressure is often more tormenting than sudden outbursts. Every day, when he opens his eyes, he automatically carries the weight of debts that could crush his spine, an invisible pressure on his nerves, ready to explode with the slightest touch.
Why, even when so exhausted, do people keep asking him for help? Why, no matter how hard he tries, is it like pouring a bucket of water into a bottomless pit? Why do these things have to happen to him? Why, why, why…
Too many whys, too many questions he can’t understand, can’t solve, and can’t let go of.
When pushed to the brink, people will try to cut off the source of their problems.
If a person dies, wouldn’t everything be over?
Most people who feel cornered probably think like this before acting impulsively.
“…I’ve thought about it too,” Qin Cheng took a deep breath, his gaze fixed on the ceiling, following the patterns that seemed to stretch far away, “I’ve thought about it many times.”
“You know, the most disgusting thing isn’t those so-called medications for treating mental illness,” Jian Heng lit a cigarette, the smoke swirling with intense emotions, forcibly contained within this small space. “It’s the restraint.”
“The medication numbs the nerves, and after a while, you can’t feel anything anymore. But the feeling of being restrained,” Jian Heng’s voice had a slight, barely noticeable tremor. His lips parted but no sound came out. After a moment, he spoke with a slight quiver in his voice: “It’s humiliation. The dignity of being human is completely erased, like a beast, tied to a bed.”
“Can’t break free, can’t escape, no one around you thinks you’re normal, and there isn’t a single normal person either. Every day, all you hear are the beeping of machines and the cries of the mentally ill,” Jian Heng completely revealed the negative emotions buried deep within him for the first time. His jaw muscles tightened, trembling slightly as he struggled to control himself, his fingers stiff. “The reason I could endure until my discharge wasn’t because of my longing for the outside world, but the thought of killing Jian Xingguo and Su Danqiu when I went out. Tying them up, injecting them six times a day, interrogate them, punishing them for wrong answers, electric shocks, bright lights, depriving them of sleep… until they die… Just thinking about such a scene gives me all the strength I need. What else can’t be endured?”
Compared to Jian Heng, who could still calmly recount the story despite his intense anger, Qin Cheng felt a fire burning more fiercely in his heart. Why didn’t he kick Jian Xingguo a few more times back then and kick this bastard to death!
That’s how Jian Heng is, always showing him the best side, hiding the scars and all the mess on his own, while all he sees is Jian Heng’s smile.
Distressed, especially distressed.
Feeling his emotions, Jian Heng gently pinched his ear, his mood calming down quickly, a hint of relief in his expression: “After going through something like this, Qin Cheng, I just seem normal on the outside, but I actually have serious psychological issues, even… tendencies to self-harm. I don’t want you to know these things; I just want you to think I’m a normal person, a normal person who won’t put pressure on you.”
“You——why do you think like this?” As these words came out of his mouth, Qin Cheng’s eyes turned red with distress, a certain part of his heart twisted painfully. He tightly grasped his hand and placed it on his chest, “If I don’t ask you, would you keep hiding it from me? The person you should talk to when you’re feeling uncomfortable or in a bad mood is me, right? How could I ever think you’re not normal? The more I love you, the more I can accept you. I have many problems too, and you accepted them all. So, no matter what you are like, in my eyes, you are the best. My boyfriend is the most awesome Alpha in the world. If anyone dares to say otherwise, I’ll kill them.”
“Is he really that amazing?” Jian Heng laughed softly, gently lowered his head, and buried it in his chest, “Say more.”
The actions that would never normally appear on him were now being done, and Qin Cheng wished he could take his heart out and put it in his hands. As long as he could be happy, anything would be fine.
“My boyfriend is super amazing, and he’s so handsome,” Qin Cheng said, hugging him and gently patting his back, listing his merits from head to toe, thinking he could go on for three days and nights. “He can also cook, and his cooking is also spicy~~~so delicious. Really, the first time I ate your cooking, I thought to myself, with skills like this, I’d have to mooch off you for a couple more meals, not to mention the ‘chef’ is so handsome, just looking at him makes me hungry.”
“Really delicious?” Jian Heng asked, leaning on his chest, his voice muffled.
“Super delicious, the kind of delicious you want to eat for a lifetime,” Qin Cheng said, lowering his head and rubbing his chin against the buzz cut. “Do you remember our first class the next day? The first period was English?”
“I remember,” Jian Heng said. “You handed in a blank sheet for the vocabulary test.”
“Don’t remember this,” Qin Cheng nudged him, “Look at how beautiful my memory is. I just remember you being particularly pretentious and particularly awesome back then, even writing English letters so stylishly. I acted very disdainful at the time, but to be honest with you now, you successfully caught the attention of a big A who had been straight for eighteen years.”
“Really?” Jian Heng suddenly became childish. “Is that the truth?”
“Super true, totally true,” Qin Cheng hugged him and shook him gently. “You say, how come my boyfriend is just so~~~ handsome? Wearing a white coat in college, doesn’t that just make people think about him all the time? It’s over, it’s over, I’m so jealous I could die. I practiced sprinting wrong; I should have practiced fencing. One sword, one person, all of them would be stabbed away.”
“Wet-nurse Rong[mfn]容嬷嬷 (Róng mó mó): A character from TV series My Fair Princess. The Empress’s loyal Wet-Nurse Rong serves as her sort of “sidekick” throughout the series. Like the empress, she greatly dislikes Xiaoyanzi and Ziwei. She is a very ruthless person, not the least bit unwilling to inflict great pain on others. When the empress dies, Wet-Nurse Rong commits suicide by stabbing herself, so that she can serve her mistress in the afterlife.[/mfn]?” Jian Heng laughed, his shoulders shaking with laughter. Qin Cheng’s chest also trembled in response, an indescribable softness spreading in a corner of his heart.
“Have you ever seen such a handsome wet nurse? I might as well be the emperor,” Qin Cheng said with a laugh. “Actually, there are some things I’ve never told you. I always thought that a big man talking about love and affection every day was too pretentious, and it felt pointless to say them. But I realized that if I don’t say it, you might not feel my deep love for you.”
“Go ahead,” Jian Heng lifted his head, lightly biting his chin. “I want to hear it.”
“Listen carefully,” Qin Cheng cleared his throat.
He wasn’t particularly good at expressing his feelings; when the emotions ran high, he could say ‘I love you’, but when it came to delving deeper, he always felt a bit embarrassed. However, Jian Heng’s words today made him realize that loving someone doesn’t have to be fully expressed in words, but words should definitely play a part.
Language is always the most direct way to express emotions.
“Actually, before I met you, I wasn’t this optimistic, positive, and sunny. You never saw me before, so you always thought I was quite cheerful. I used to be quite gloomy. You asked if I ever thought about killing someone. Actually, I thought more about killing myself. It wasn’t a particularly serious thought, just when I was tired and annoyed, I would think, ‘It would be so much better if I weren’t alive’. Later, I thought about it and decided to let it go. If I died, what would my mom do? So I decided to keep living; at least I can be of some use.”
Qin Cheng laughed at himself. “Isn’t it quite a dilemma? But I think you should understand me.”
“I know,” Jian Heng kissed the tip of his nose, “living is meaningless, dying is pointless.”
“Yes, exactly,” Qin Cheng took a deep breath. “As expected of my boyfriend, well summarized.”
“Are you imitating me?” Jian Heng looked at him. “Boasting with your eyes closed.”
“Learned it well, right?” Qin Cheng’s lips curled up, “Ge just following your example, isn’t it particularly impressive?”
“Super impressive,” Jian Heng said.
“Alas, got off topic,” Qin Cheng said, “Anyway, I lived like this for many years before you moved here. If you had never appeared, I would have continued living like this——life was meaningless, death was pointless, just living for the sake of living.”
“But then you came,” Qin Cheng’s tone shifted, and he couldn’t help but laugh, “I suddenly came to life. The layer of cloth covering my body was blown away by you, and I finally had time to see the world. As I looked, I realized that living is actually quite interesting.”
“Yeah,” Jian Heng looked at him. “Living for oneself is just a saying. You only understand it after experiencing it. When someone lives for you, that’s when you really want to strive to live on.”
“Have you ever felt that way?” Qin Cheng moved forward with vigorously. “After going through all sorts of hardships, when you look back, you feel especially grateful, grateful that you managed to persevere through those times.”
“Yes,” Jian Heng’s lips curled up, genuinely smiling. “After meeting you, I had a purpose in life. How about you?”
“Of course, it was meeting you!” Qin Cheng touched his face, grinning foolishly, “It’s so good, so good.”
“Yeah.”
In short, the years are long, but worth the wait.
The author has something to say:
In short, the years are long, but they are worth the wait. — Haruki Murakami[mfn]村上春樹 (Cūnshàng chūnshù): Haruki Murakami is a Japanese writer. His novels, essays, and short stories have been best-sellers in Japan and internationally, with his work translated into 50 languages and having sold millions of copies outside Japan. T/N: I cannot find this particular quote in English translation, but there is an article in Chinese here that has this quote; 你知道我向來不怕奔赴，只怕路的盡頭不是你。總之歲月漫長，然而值得等待。, You know I’m never afraid of running, I’m just afraid that you won’t be at the end of the road. In short, the years are long, but they are worth the wait.[/mfn].
Just living is not enough; we also need sunshine, freedom, and a bit of the fragrance of flowers. — Hans Christian Andersen.
It’s the second book now. Let Qin Cheng and Jian Heng break free from my words and happily complete their lives.——Old mother Kong Wuliu~
【The end, throw some flowers! A whole batch of extras are on their way~~~ I’ve been super busy lately, but I’ll try to update the extras daily.】
【This is Kong Wu speaking: Hello everyone! Thank you for reading this! *Bows* The main text is finished, and I still feel a bit reluctant. Let me say a few words of nonsense! This is my second completed work. Just like the last one, every day when I post it, I immediately keep an eye on the comment section, laughing like a fool at your comments, even though I wasn’t very smart to begin with. Here, I want to thank every little cutie who left a comment! *Bows* (Whispers: I remember all of you who left comments on the chapter)
Qin Zai[mfn]崽 (zǎi): (dialectal) young animal; cub; (Guangxi Mandarin, Gan, Pinghua, Xiang) son; child; a cute way to call your idol.[/mfn] and Jian Zai are both my precious darlings, characters I particularly love. Although they still have many imperfections due to my lack of writing skills, I still love these two cubs! Finally, I wish everyone a happy and joyful day just like the cubs!!!】
Thank you to the little angels who cast their votes or watered the nutrient solution for me from 2020-05-31 17:13:54 to 2020-06-01 18:18:20~
Thank you all for your support, I will keep working hard!
Finally, the main text is over. There are still 5 extras.
[dropdown title=”List of Idiom in Chapter 62.2″]
不可理喻 (bù kě lǐ yù): to be impervious to reason (idiom); to defy reason; to be unreasonable because of stupidity or stubbornness; defy rational analysis; cannot be understood by reason; it describes a tyrannical attitude and is completely unreasonable.周而復始 (zhōu ér fù shǐ): lit. the cycle comes back to the start (idiom); to move in circles; the wheel comes full circle; to repeat in cycles continuously; go round and begin again; cycle endlessly; recur in cycles; start anew after each cycle; repeat over and over; come full circle; to go round and round in a continuous cycle.
走投無路 (zǒu tóu wú lù): to be very desperate; to have no way out; to be back to the wall; to be at an impasse (idiom); in a tight spot; at the end of one’s rope; come to a dead end; be driven from pillar to post; being in a desperate situation with no way out.
傷痕累累 (shāng hén lěi lěi): (literal, figurative) riddled with scars and/or bruises; scars of wounds strung together like beads; someone is covered with visible scars.
狼狽不堪 (láng bèi bù kān): like a drowned mouse; in an extremely awkward position; in a most embarrassing predicament; in a sorry/wretched/pitiable plight; in sore/dire straits; describes a situation that is extremely difficult, embarrassing, and unbearable.
真心實意 (zhēn xīn shí yì): genuine and sincere (idiom); wholehearted; from the bottom of one’s heart; in real earnest; sincerely.
[/dropdown]Check out my completed & current project at my carrd. If you like my translation, you can buy me coffee at Ko-fi~ Thank you.
my sons 😭 gosh i love them