He said it after all.
Su Zhiyan lowered his eyes and leaned back, putting some distance between them.
Shen Nianjing froze, the warm intimacy between them vanishing instantly like a sudden fall from great heights.
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he asked hoarsely, “What do you mean?”
Su Zhiyan pressed his lips together, not daring to look at his eyes. He grabbed a nearby pillow and buried his face in it like a small animal hiding.
Seeing this, Shen Nianjing chuckled softly, his laughter tickling Su Zhiyan’s ears. “What is it you want to say?”
Su Zhiyan only hugged the pillow tighter.
“Hey now,” Shen Nianjing leaned closer curiously, tilting his head to look at Su Zhiyan whose face was pressed firmly into the pillow, though his ears were visibly red.
“Don’t scare me.” Shen Nianjing had never seen Su Zhiyan like this before. His expression looked worried as he said, “Did someone possess you or something?”
“Who’s possessed? You’re the one possessed!” Su Zhiyan lifted his head, his cheeks a bit flushed from being buried in the pillow.
Shen Nianjing smirked. “Oh, so I’m the possessed one then.”
His easygoing attitude only made Su Zhiyan feel guiltier.
Maybe today wasn’t a good time to confess, he thought.
But if he didn’t say it today, when would he say it?
Shen Nianjing was in a good mood today. Maybe he’d be in an even better mood tomorrow. If he kept putting it off, would he end up hiding the truth forever?
Su Zhiyan tugged at the tassels on the pillow and sighed.
“Do you know that many people mistake us for having… that kind of relationship?” he said.
Shen Nianjing’s eyes lit up and he asked back, “What kind of relationship?”
His tone was oddly cheerful, as if they weren’t discussing something that concerned him.
“…” Su Zhiyan squeezed his eyes shut. “A romantic relationship!”
“Ohhh~” Shen Nianjing acted all surprised, stretching those words into several different tones. “A romantic~ relationship!”
Su Zhiyan resisted the urge to punch him and threw the pillow at his face. “Yes!”
Could this guy ever be serious? With him acting like this, it made it even harder for him to speak.
With the pillow gone from his hands, Su Zhiyan suddenly felt exposed. “I’m sorry if this has caused you trouble, since so many people misunderstood.” Once the apologies started, they poured out uncontrollably. “I really didn’t expect things to turn out this way.”
Su Zhiyan was someone who never cared about others’ opinions. The things he did always followed his own logic, so until yesterday he really hadn’t noticed anything wrong with how he and Shen Nianjing got along.
He never expected it would be a case of “the people involved see clearly, but the observers are confused.”[mfn]“当局者清，旁观者迷” (dāng jú zhě qīng, páng guān zhě mí) is actually a clever reversal of a classic Chinese proverb. The original one says “当局者迷，旁观者清” — meaning people stuck in the situation are the ones confused, while outsiders see things more clearly (kind of like “can’t see the forest for the trees”).
But here, it’s flipped around. The meaning changed to: the person in the middle sees it clearly, and the bystanders are the ones confused. It’s making the point that sometimes only those directly involved really understand what’s going on, while people on the sidelines can totally misread things.[/mfn]
“I’m sorry.” He lowered his head and repeated it again.
Shen Nianjing stared at Su Zhiyan and stuffed the pillow back into his arms.
Su Zhiyan blinked in surprise. The pillow still had the other person’s body warmth on it, and he quietly gripped one corner.
“Why are you apologizing?” Shen Nianjing’s smile was gentle, as if he was comforting him. “You never cared about these things before. How come you’re actually apologizing to me now?”
“I really don’t care.” Su Zhiyan argued back, speaking a bit fast because he was getting worked up. “But this involves you too.”
Shen Nianjing was stunned.
“You were really upset when we got rumors spread about us last time. I didn’t take it seriously then, but thinking about it now, I was really an ass back then.” Su Zhiyan hit the pillow with his hand. “I should have cleared up the rumors properly.”
This was the first time hearing Su Zhiyan curse at himself. Shen Nianjing’s smile faded. “I didn’t take it seriously either. They just thought you were chasing me.”
His voice was clear and bright. “I don’t mind!”
Seeing him like this, waves of guilt flooded Su Zhiyan’s heart, filling his entire chest.
He didn’t even mind being mistaken for being gay?
“If you’re done talking, should I go cook the dumplings?” Shen Nianjing looked down at the time. It was almost 11:30. Su Zhiyan had only eaten some fruit earlier, so he was probably getting hungry now.
Su Zhiyan gaped. The same Shen Nianjing who’d once anxiously questioned him repeatedly was now brushing it off so casually?
But his attitude gave Su Zhiyan the courage to continue talking.
Such tolerance![mfn]宰相肚里好撑船 is an idiom that literally says “a prime minister’s belly is big enough to hold a boat,” praising someone’s tolerance and broad-mindedness.[/mfn] This guy would surely achieve great things!
“Wait!” Su Zhiyan grabbed his wrist.
Shen Nianjing paused and looked down at him.
Su Zhiyan’s expression was serious. He took a deep breath, looking so solemn it was like he was giving an important speech.
“I haven’t finished talking yet, about why I suddenly got close to you.”
Shen Nianjing’s heart skipped a beat when he heard this, and he felt inexplicably panicked.
He suddenly didn’t want to hear what Su Zhiyan was going to say.
“Before I met you, I had the same… nightmare every night.”
Shen Nianjing’s fingers tensed up.
“I was in really bad shape during that time. I went to the hospital and saw many specialists but couldn’t find the cause.”
“Later I discovered…” Su Zhiyan slowly lifted his gaze, his pale eyes reflecting Shen Nianjing’s stunned expression. “As long as I had contact with you, I could sleep well.”
Shen Nianjing frowned slightly. “So you wanted to be friends with me?”
“…Yes, but later I realized!” Su Zhiyan raised his voice. “You’re a very sincere rival and also a very good friend. So I don’t want to keep hiding this from you anymore.”
“I’m really sorry.” Su Zhiyan bowed his head and said quietly, “If you’re angry, just beat me up. I definitely won’t fight back!”
The air was filled with heavy tension. For the first time, Su Zhiyan felt time stretch so long, as if every minute and second was quietly flowing by.
Shen Nianjing’s lips twitched as he looked away. “You could have kept hiding it from me.”
Su Zhiyan looked up in surprise.
Shen Nianjing turned his head, his eyes slightly red. “Are you telling me now because the nightmares stopped?” His forced smile was painful to see. “But you still look exhausted.”
Su Zhiyan’s grip on the pillow tightened as he stared at Shen Nianjing in a daze.
This wasn’t among the reactions he’d expected.
On his way here, he had imagined many possibilities and prepared many speeches, but none of them seemed to work now.
“If it were before… I would’ve kept hiding it.” Su Zhiyan said.
He saw Shen Nianjing stiffen for a moment, then continued, “But I think you have the right to know the truth.”
Shen Nianjing laughed bitterly and nodded. “Right.”
“So you came today just to say this?” His fingers dug into the couch cushions until they turned white. “If that’s the case, then I understand now.”
He looked at Su Zhiyan. “Thank you for telling me.”
Su Zhiyan’s heart tightened slightly as he lowered his head. “…Sorry.”
“You’re still having nightmares these past few days, aren’t you?” Shen Nianjing suddenly asked.
“Su Zhiyan, can I ask you something? These past few days when you urgently sent me messages and urgently wanted to see me, was it because you couldn’t sleep well, or because of… something else?”
Su Zhiyan stayed silent.
Shen Nianjing smiled faintly. “Got it.”
His voice was low as he spoke again, “Do you have more to say?”
Su Zhiyan was stunned and guiltily lowered his head. “Even though I know you’ll be very angry after hearing the truth, I really need your help.”
“The constant nightmares is really affecting me badly. My whole life rhythm has been completely disrupted.”
“I really, really need your help.” Su Zhiyan repeated seriously.
Shen Nianjing studied him for a long moment before saying flatly, “The water’s boiling. I’ll check it.”
Su Zhiyan watched silently as Shen Nianjing stood and walked to the kitchen, feeling his mood sink.
He clearly hadn’t been boiling any water, so where was this boiling water coming from?
In the kitchen, Shen Nianjing mindlessly filled a pot under the running faucet, the rushing water mirroring his chaotic thoughts.
Su Zhiyan was having dreams too.
Are his dreams the same as mine?
What the hell is this damn thing!
The pot full of water was slammed onto the stove with a bang, the water rippling and trembling.
Shen Nianjing turned on the burner, blue flames licking at the metal, matching the irritation in his chest.
Su Zhiyan didn’t like him.
Su Zhiyan had never liked him…
Worse, he had been using him all along.
A wave of cold washed over Shen Nianjing, extinguishing all his previous emotions and fantasies.
He braced his hands against the counter, staring blankly.
What should he do…
Su Zhiyan obviously felt very guilty and was very sincere.
What about him? Was he angry like Su Zhiyan was worried about?
Not really.
Su Zhiyan could have lied to him for a very long time, but he still told him the truth. This showed he really trusted him and truly considered him a friend.
Su Zhiyan really wasn’t like the person in his dreams.
He should be relieved, even happy.
So why did it hurt so much?
Shen Nianjing’s eyes suddenly felt hot as he reached up to put the lid on the pot.
Damn steam.
He slumped over the counter, resting his forehead on his arms.
—”You’re done for, you’ve fallen in love!”
The overwhelming forum replies from before flashed before his eyes.
Shen Nianjing suddenly felt a bit of a headache.
“Glug glug!” The water in the pot was boiling, pushing violently against the lid and steaming wildly.
Startled, he instinctively lifted the lid, but in his panic his hand touched the edge of the pot first.
“Clang!” The lid clattered to the floor, steaming hot.
“What happened?” Su Zhiyan’s worried voice came from behind as he rushed into the kitchen.
Shen Nianjing turned off the stove. “Nothing.”
Su Zhiyan looked at his hand. His right index and middle fingers were obviously red. Without caring about Shen Nianjing’s reaction, he grabbed his hand and put it under the running water.
“Do you have ice? Where’s your first aid kit?”
He was frowning tightly, his eyes full of worry and panic, but his hands were still steady as they held Shen Nianjing’s wrist.
Shen Nianjing was slightly stunned.
“There’s ice cream in the fridge… the first aid kit is on the side of the TV cabinet.”
Su Zhiyan said hurriedly, “Keep running water over it.” He turned to get the things.
The fridge was in the dining room. He opened the freezer side and quickly scanned the frozen items inside, then suddenly froze.
Several strawberry-flavored ice creams were neatly arranged on the fridge door.
Shen Nianjing was “trapped” by the faucet, but his attention followed Su Zhiyan.
“Give me your hand.”
Su Zhiyan stood in front of him holding the first aid kit and ice cream.
Shen Nianjing obediently stretched out his hand.
The area burned by the boiling water was still red. Su Zhiyan frowned and pressed the ice cream against the red mark. [mfn]According to Eddie of 9-1-1, don’t ice a burn.[/mfn]
The cold soothed the sting, but where their skin touched felt strangely warm.
Shen Nianjing looked at Su Zhiyan.
All the confusion and questions in his heart condensed into one sentence.
“Su Zhiyan, I agree.”
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