“Nan Nan, the words I want to say,…”
“…”
Seeing his expression, Fat Fish was completely speechless, only feeling that the weather this month was really cold, with the slightest breeze raising goosebumps.
“Don’t look at me with those disdainful little eyes. I called you here today just to discuss this matter, didn’t I? If you can’t accept that I’ve fallen for a young man, then you tell me-what did it feel like when you were dating your wife? Tell me and refute me. Maybe you’ll convince me.”
Yan Jie pressed his cigarette butt into the beer can as he spoke.
“What could it feel like? Just felt like she was the best in the world.”
“Exactly.”
“Wanted to be with her every day, didn’t want to look at anyone else standing nearby, just wanted to look at her.”
“That’s how I feel too.”
“Willing to give her whatever she wanted, even if she asked for the stars and moon from the sky, I’d have to get them for her.”
“Well, it’s all the same.”
“But you’ve never liked a woman before, so how do you know that the feelings you have for a man are the same as the love between a man and a woman?”
Yan Jie imitated his style:
“Well, you’ve never liked a man either, so how do you know that my feelings for him aren’t the same as your feelings for your wife?”
“…” Fat Fish conceded defeat.
Forget it, it’s not like he just met Yan Jie today. The guy is a master of sophistry.
“I think you should calm down by yourself. It’s good that your show is over. After you separate, when you think it through, you might realize this is just lust at first sight, plus being together every day got you excited, and in the heat of the moment, you mistook novelty for love.”
Fat Fish still couldn’t accept that his friend of thirty years had suddenly turned gay. He shook his head:
“Tomorrow, everyone goes their separate ways, which is good for everyone. Think it through carefully. After all, this isn’t a small matter. Come on, let’s drink to that.”
Yan Jie opened a new can of beer and clinked it with his, saying:
“I think so too. Ah, this is a major life decision. I should calm down first.”
“How do you plan to calm down?”
“Stop clinging to him so much, keep some distance, see if the distance creates disinterest or beauty.”
“How long will you stay calm?”
“A month, I guess.”
Yan Jie set a deadline for himself, but after thinking about it briefly, he felt that not teasing Mr. Hang for a whole month would be too hard to bear, so he changed his mind:
“Never mind, half a month.”
Fat Fish’s gaze clearly showed the word “contempt.”
“Tsk…”
Not even five seconds after saying “half a month,” Yan Jie was uncomfortable again.
Fat Fish snorted coldly:
“What now?”
“Nothing, just suddenly remembered that next week is Chinese New Year.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“As the saying goes, ‘new year, new atmosphere,’ so being calm until after the New Year should be about right.”
“Are you a cryogenic chamber that cools down so quickly?”
Fat Fish was really getting a headache and sighed heavily:
“Fine, do as you please. Just don’t expect me to put in a good word for you when your parents disown you.”
–
Jiang Nan’an flew back to Shanghai from Beijing early the next morning.
He had just finished recording a long-term variety show with several incidents along the way. Qi Hong felt he had been through a lot during this period, so she didn’t arrange any more work for him, just letting him rest until he joined the production after the New Year.
Suddenly extracted from the daily bustling, busy life with a fully scheduled timetable of training, and returning to a quiet and comfortable home, Jiang Nan’an felt somewhat unaccustomed during the first few days.
He wasn’t used to being able to sleep until he naturally woke up, wasn’t used to no longer having to sit in front of a computer to play games as soon as he opened his eyes, wasn’t used to suddenly having free time and being alone, wasn’t used to the spacious room with only himself left-no more chattering in his ears.
The Makeshift Troupe’s group chat was quite active at first, but only for a day or two after the finals. After all, they had only been brought together temporarily. Now that they were apart, everyone had their own lives and work, returning to their own tracks, gradually having less time and energy to maintain the teammate relationship that had already ended.
Jiang Nan’an understood the logic, but occasionally he still felt a bit disoriented. This was normal, though, as this feeling has a professional term: “withdrawal symptoms.”
The TV was playing today’s news.
The day after tomorrow was Chinese New Year’s Eve, and even the scenes in the news reports showed preparations for the Spring Festival across the country. The music playing in the streets these days was also festive and cheerful.
Xiao Sun came over yesterday and brought him two Chinese knots, saying they would make the house look festive and give it a holiday atmosphere. Although Jiang Nan’an didn’t care about these things, he still hung them up in his home as suggested.
The host’s voice was serious and official. Jiang Nan’an listened to the news, curled up in the corner of the sofa, feeling a bit drowsy.
The phone on the coffee table rang. He picked it up and looked, but it wasn’t a message from anyone-it was a system notification pushed by the Cat Paw APP.
【Ding dong! The streamer you follow is live now! We’re just missing you, come watch!~】
The Cat Paw APP on Jiang Nan’an’s phone was still logged into the account previously known as “Hanging Brother,” and the only active person in his follow list was Spring. Who the streamer in this push notification was referring to was self-evident.
Since the end of the show, such notifications had come almost daily. Jiang Nan’an originally didn’t want to pay attention, but perhaps because staying at home was really a bit boring, he looked at that line of text in the message preview and, as if possessed, clicked on it.
However, before the page could jump to the live stream, he regained his senses and exited the APP. When he entered again, he registered a new account and, using the default initial ID, slipped into Spring’s live stream.
Perhaps to echo the festive atmosphere, Yan Jie was wearing a red sweater today. He wasn’t as polished as when he had stylists following him around during the show, but with that face, even with no makeup and casually tousled hair, he still looked good on camera.
He wasn’t playing games but was watching a highly-rated Japanese white moonlight romance film.
“Why aren’t you playing games? Haven’t I been locked up playing enough in that show for the past few months? Let’s take it easy, we’ll talk about it again later. Look at this, isn’t it warm and loving to sit together as a family watching a movie with the New Year approaching? I’m moved.”
Yan Jie swayed in his gaming chair, watching the movie while interacting with the danmu (bullet screen comments).
“Can’t you watch some blockbusters instead of these sappy romance dramas? What are you saying! I’m already getting on in years, no longer a young hothead who enjoys action movies. Sometimes I need to calm down and watch something about the simple things in life, ah, thinking about the major events in my life.”
“What major life events? You want me to tell you about my major life events?”
“Tell the truth, have you fallen in love with someone? Has the iron tree finally blossomed?… Tsk. Stop caring about the streamer’s private life!”
“Will Makeshift Troupe reunite after the show ends?”
The topic suddenly shifted here, and Yan Jie chuckled:
“Not sure, I can only say that fate will bring us together if it’s meant to be. Blue and I will definitely meet up often, but the other teachers are all busy people, so we might not be able to arrange meetings. But if we can gather, I’ll definitely try my best. If you like it, I’ll provide after-sales service. Sigh, if others knew you were fans of Makeshift Troupe, they’d think you’re lucky…”
Hearing this, Jiang Nan’an quietly exited the livestream and opened WeChat.
In WeChat, the latest message in the Makeshift Troupe group chat was from yesterday morning. The next chat box below the group chat was “Yan Xiaochun.”
Jiang Nan’an had originally saved Yan Jie’s contact as “Yan Jie Spring (Streamer),” but one day Yan Jie himself saw it and was deeply hurt that his contact name was so formal. He cried and shouted, “Little Spring has only one wish in this life,” asking him to change it to something more personal.
Jiang Nan’an didn’t know what kind of name would be considered “personal,” so he casually changed it to “Yan Xiaochun.”
Jiang Nan’an’s WeChat rarely received many messages. The most frequent notifications came from WeChat Sports, Qi Hong, Xiao Sun, the Makeshift Troupe small group, and Yan Jie himself.
During the show’s recording, Yan Jie would send him hundreds of messages a day. When they sat together, his mouth wouldn’t stop chattering. As soon as Jiang Nan’an left his sight, he would start bombarding him with messages, making his phone “ding dong” endlessly.
But looking now, Yan Jie’s last message was from the night before last, asking Jiang Nan’an what he was doing. Jiang Nan’an had casually sent a photo of his desk to indicate he was reading, and Yan Jie didn’t continue the topic, just leaving a “good night, sleep early” message.
It was normal communication; Jiang Nan’an didn’t know what he was concerned about.
He lowered his eyes slightly, about to close his phone and continue watching the news, when he heard his phone “ding dong” once, and a small red dot floated up on the message list.
This time, it wasn’t a system notification, nor was it from Qi Hong or Xiao Sun, and it wasn’t from Makeshift Troupe or Yan Jie.
Director Wei Yinghua: Nan Nan, Chinese New Year’s Eve is in a couple of days. Little Qi told me you don’t have any plans recently. Are you spending New Year’s Eve alone at home?
Director Wei Yinghua: Why don’t you come to my place? Let’s celebrate the New Year together.
Wei Yinghua was the director who had spotted Jiang Nan’an among the masses. Various reports always referred to her as Jiang Nan’an’s mentor. It could be said that Jiang Nan’an’s success today was due to the choice and opportunity Wei Yinghua gave him back then.
Seven years had passed, and their contact wasn’t frequent, mostly just holiday greetings. As for an invitation to spend a holiday together… this was the first time.
In previous years, Jiang Nan’an was always swamped with film offers. Even if he had time off on New Year’s Eve, he would just stay in a hotel and spend it like any ordinary day.
Holidays didn’t have any special meaning for him.
Therefore, Jiang Nan’an’s first instinct was to decline the invitation. But after typing “No need, thank you” in the input box and preparing to press “send,” he hesitated.
The TV screen showed a family happily making dumplings together. After a pause, Jiang Nan’an sighed softly, deleted the message word by word, and replaced it with a simple “Okay.”
Wei Yinghua and Qi Hong seemed to be in constant contact, because Qi Hong quickly learned that Jiang Nan’an would be going to Wei Yinghua’s place for the Spring Festival this year.
She was very happy that Jiang Nan’an had accepted and, in addition to being pleased, found time to have a more than 100-minute voice call with Jiang Nan’an, carefully teaching him the etiquette he should observe when visiting elders.
Jiang Nan’an took her words to heart. On the morning of New Year’s Eve, he took a car to Wei Yinghua’s hometown in Suzhou. Upon arrival, he bought numerous gifts as Qi Hong had instructed before heading to Wei Yinghua’s home.
Wei Yinghua had devoted herself entirely to the arts, never married or had children, dedicating her life to the stories and lenses she loved.
She didn’t have many relatives at home, only a few distant younger family members, young people from the industry, and several housekeepers who took care of her daily needs.
Her home was quite far from the city center. While it wasn’t convenient being far from the city, it made up for it with beautiful scenery and tranquility. The house was built in the style of a Suzhou garden, with a classical Chinese aesthetic. Walking along the courtyard paths made one feel refreshed and carefree.
“Nan Nan, you’re here? It’s been a long time.”
Wei Yinghua was already in her sixties, with snow-white hair neatly coiled at the back of her head. She wore a deep purple qipao, looking elegant and full of vitality.
She looked at Jiang Nan’an and the packages in his hands, smiling somewhat helplessly:
“It’s enough that you came, why bring all these things?”
“…” Jiang Nan’an looked at her, curling his fingers a bit awkwardly, like a student called to the teacher’s office, and obediently said:
“Hong-jie said it’s polite.”
Wei Yinghua nodded, both amused and exasperated, and quickly called out:
“Xiao Zhang! Please help take these things away.”
She took the gifts from Jiang Nan’an’s hands and gave them to the housekeeper, then patted his shoulder:
“It’s cold outside, isn’t it? Don’t just stand there, come in and sit down.”
Jiang Nan’an then removed his scarf and coat, changed into slippers, and was led by Wei Yinghua into the living room.
The walls of Wei Yinghua’s home were adorned with many photographs, mostly from the start or wrap of her productions. Jiang Nan’an scanned them briefly and even found himself among them.
The TV in the living room was on, and to Jiang Nan’an’s surprise, it was playing an episode of “Burning Eternity.” As he came in, the variety show happened to be showing a scene of himself in a pink and white team uniform having breakfast with his teammates in the cafeteria.
Jiang Nan’an was a bit surprised: “You… watch this?”
“Hmm?” Wei Yinghua glanced at the TV and smiled:
“I don’t understand you young people’s games. But this is your first time recording a variety show, so I watch it when I have free time. Did you have fun during this period? You must have made some nice friends.”
Jiang Nan’an nodded.
“That’s good. Little Qi always told me that apart from filming, you just hide at home reading books, not socializing much. I didn’t know if you disliked it or just didn’t know how, and I was quite worried. This is much better now. Look how lively you appear in there. I’m happy just watching it.”
Hearing this, Jiang Nan’an lowered his eyes.
He held his teacup, unconsciously curling his fingers.
Wei Yinghua noticed he seemed to have something to say, so she asked gently: “What’s wrong? Want to say something?”
“Nothing…” Jiang Nan’an wasn’t good at discussing these things with people, but since it was Wei Yinghua, he felt he could try:
“Just feeling a bit unaccustomed.”
“Unaccustomed to what?” Wei Yinghua adjusted the shawl around her shoulders and sat in the single seat nearby, looking ready to listen attentively.
“…I was already used to being alone. Then suddenly there were many people around me, which was a bit uncomfortable. Just as I was getting used to it, I had to leave that state. I think I understand what friendship is now, but its shelf life seems very short. I feel like I hadn’t fully figured it out before I lost it.”
“Lost? How could you lose it?” Wei Yinghua patiently explained to him:
“You’ve only temporarily separated. After all, each person is an independent individual. Although you have bonds, you can’t possibly be together all the time. You met because of this show. Now the show is over, you’ve separated and continue to live your own lives, but you’re still friends because the emotions and memories you shared are real, and no one has forgotten them, right?
“In fact, Nan Nan, no one can guarantee they can accompany someone forever. Life is more like a journey. Many people come and go in your life, just a series of brief encounters, but those memories and feelings form who you ultimately become. They are all your friends, just not necessarily traveling with you in the future. These are exactly what we explored in ‘Spring Breeze,’ remember?”
Jiang Nan’an thought about her words and nodded.
“I think I know what’s making you uncomfortable. Is it that after the show ended, there’s been much less interaction with your friends, and you’re not used to that?”
“…Seems so.”
When he was in the team, most of the time Jiang Nan’an would listen to his teammates’ casual chats and jokes. He rarely participated himself, and the only one who persistently stuck around to tease and talk to him was Yan Jie.
But as Wei Yinghua said, the bond between them was gone, so Yan Jie came and went.
He should have gone too, but for some reason, he couldn’t go back for the time being.
“Have you tried actively reaching out to him?” Wei Yinghua observed his expression.
“Actively?” Jiang Nan’an looked puzzled.
“Yes, relationships need maintenance, and of course, it can’t be just one person putting in all the effort. If there’s no response, no feeling of reciprocity, even the most enthusiasm will be depleted. Add to that the fact that you’re no longer together, and the relationship naturally fades. You need to move forward, meet more people, experience more things, but at the same time, maintain the feelings and memories you find precious, and the people too. When you think of someone, take the initiative to send a greeting. This way, you create the next intersection. In your words, this makes the ‘shelf life’ a bit longer.”
“…” Jiang Nan’an thought briefly:
“What should I say?”
“Anything will do.” Wei Yinghua was amused by him:
“Today is New Year’s Eve, so saying ‘Happy New Year’ would be very appropriate. On ordinary days, if the weather is nice, if something funny happened, if you encountered something interesting on the road… all of these can be shared, naturally finding topics to chat about.”
“But these words seem meaningless.”
“Having two people devote emotions and time to each other’s trivialities, that is the meaning. When I’m willing to share little things with you, this desire to share is actually a subtle way of saying ‘I miss you.'”
Wei Yinghua paused, then smiled with her eyes:
“Nan Nan, there are thousands of ways to express what you want to say. Just be brave and try. Between close people, you don’t need to weigh so many things, nor worry about whether what you say has meaning. After all, as long as the other person is willing to listen, they won’t care if your opening line is rigorous and elegant.”
#
(advanced chapters available on kofi)
