NB Chapter67

I hung up the phone without hesitation. Regardless of my age, I could never get used to Zhang Mingsheng’s cryptic and ambiguous way of speaking.

Putting my phone back into my pocket, I glanced behind me once more to make sure no one was there, adjusted my handbag, and kept walking. My body had long since recovered, yet my nerves still tensed from time to time, afraid that a single lapse in vigilance might send me plunging into a bottomless abyss. Living in a “next life,” I am constantly enveloped by a sense of unreality. I am even prepared to open my eyes and see an IV bottle dripping above my head. God seems to be playing a joke on me, lifting me up from one place only to let go on a whim and leave me to fall. No matter where I end up, life feels like a struggle for survival in the wilderness.

However, there is something the current me absolutely must do.

I put everything out of my mind and took a taxi to the hospital. The hospital was quieter at night; the polished floors and walls made me feel increasingly solemn as I walked. It wasn’t until I pushed open the ward door and saw Shimu lying in the innermost bed with Li Yi and Shanshan keeping watch beside her; talking and laughing in low voices, that my heart relaxed a little like the cotton quilt covering her. No matter where you are, it is always a bit better if you have bedding for warmth and family by your side.

as I went closer, I discovered that Li Yi and Shanshan were playing rock-paper-scissors.

A simple game had been reinvented by the two of them with various gestures and different storylines. The final result ended with Shanshan’s “alien frog” swallowing Li Yi’s “mechanical pigeon” in one gulp. Li Yi feigned disdain, stood up, grabbed the thermos on the cabinet and left. As he brushed past me, he whispered in my ear, “I was letting her win.”

Shanshan leaned against the edge of the bed and looked back triumphantly, “Well, thank you then! In a best-of-five, you let me win four rounds.”

Shimu was reading a book; as she turned the page, a slight smile spread across her lips.

I pulled over a stool, sat down beside her, and gently tucked the quilt around her.

I had always envied Shimu for knowing so many plants and trees; in my eyes, that was a skill possessed only by characters in fairy tale books. She said that one must always find something in life that can bring peace. Humans are too insignificant; we feel ourselves intensely, yet we wander in a daze, adrift because the world is so vast and life is so chaotic. But the stars in the sky, the rivers on the earth, the endless sea, animals and plants; everything outside human society will never betray you, because they were never yours to begin with.

At the time, I only half-understood her, but recalling it now, my thoughts inadvertently drifted back to Zhang Mingsheng.

Before he met me, he used binoculars to go birdwatching.

What is so interesting about birds? I had never understood.

I suddenly snapped back to reality and said to Shimu, “I have some things to do tomorrow, so I might come by a bit later.”

She smiled and said, “You all have your own business to attend to. If time is too tight, don’t rush over. I’m not going to die anytime soon.”

Those words blocked my mouth and stifled my throat.

Shanshan rested her chin in her hand, looking from me to her mother, and said, “Mommy, Brother Chao can’t handle jokes like that.”

I curled my trembling fingertips into my palm, forced a weak smile, and said, “She’s right, Shimu. My heart is very fragile; please don’t scare me like that.”

“Alright.” She turned a page of her book and laughed. “Then I’ll say I will live to be a hundred. Don’t take such a small matter to heart, Ah Chao.”

Only then did my heart feel soothed, and I smiled along with her.

Shanshan asked what I was going to be busy with and if there were any recent cases. I gave a few excuses, stammering without giving a clear answer.

Fortunately, Shanshan wasn’t particularly interested in our work; she let out a yawn and stood up, saying she was going to see if Li Yi was eating cup noodles all by himself.

For a moment, I was the only one left by the bedside.

Neither of us spoke; we just sat there in silence.

It was getting late. Just as I stood up to tell her to get some rest, she looked up, her eyes calm behind her glasses as they settled on me.

After a long silence, she said, “Ah Chao, you need to be kinder to yourself.”

Suddenly, my eyes welled up, and my entire body began to tremble. I didn’t know why she said that. But the moment I heard it, I realized it was the one sentence I had been waiting for all along.

I leaned down and embraced her.

Before going to sleep, I exchanged several text messages with Zhang Mingsheng. He arranged to meet me tomorrow morning at 8:40. The time he gave wasn’t exactly a round number, yet it wasn’t quite random either; it was confusing. I deliberately chose not to press him for details, wanting to avoid his nonsensical rambling.

When I fell asleep, I had a dream. I dreamed that Auntie Yang, who was dressed in a pale purple dress, grabbed hold of me just as I was being chased and bitten by wild dogs. She pulled me into a narrow alley cluttered with abandoned bicycles. Curled up in her arms, I noticed the buttons on her dress. They were beautiful, sewn with a very unusual technique; different colored threads had been woven through the buttonholes, knotting tiny green leaves and little fruits onto the surface of each button.

As I watched, she suddenly vanished. What I was holding was no longer her, but merely a tangle of silk threads.

I woke up with a start.

After catching my breath, I grabbed the alarm clock and saw there were only ten minutes left before it would start ringing. I woke up early. I washed up quickly and ate a little, and then Zhang Mingsheng called. He said he was downstairs waiting for me.

I grabbed my coat to head out in a rush, but just as I stepped out, I hesitated. I turned back to the kitchen and found a short, sheathed knife. I don’t know how many years ago Li Yi had bought it for butchering meat.

I didn’t plan on stabbing Zhang Mingsheng to death; that would be too bloody, and the placement of the strike would require careful planning. Still, it was better to have a weapon on me when meeting him alone.

It wasn’t until I had been in the car for a few minutes that I realized Zhang Mingsheng was acting surprisingly normal today. He was wearing a black trench coat and trousers with a dark turtleneck underneath. He spoke very little along the way and didn’t smile. At first, I feared he might play some trick with our route, but as we drew closer to the cemetery and countless tombstones on the green grass swept past us, I finally felt completely at ease. Like him, my emotions gradually dissipated, leaving only a sense of trance and bewilderment.

Then, the car stopped, and I opened the door.

Zhang Mingsheng also stepped out. Holding the white roses that had been resting on the passenger seat, he glanced back at me before walking forward without hesitation.

I hurried to keep up.

After winding through a few small paths, we reached an open area where the tombstones were sparser. Zhang Mingsheng quickly strode ahead like a black ghost. For a second or two, I almost thought I would lose him.

Passing a large sculpture, I turned my head and saw Zhang Mingsheng standing a short distance away with his eyes fixed on the tombstone in front of him.

The roses in his hand had already been placed before the grave.

I froze for a moment, then slowly walked over.

I wasn’t as heartbroken as I had imagined, nor was I crying so hard that I couldn’t walk. At the very least, I still had the strength to pull a bag of plums from my pocket.

There was no photo on the tombstone, only a simple name.

It was her own name; her surname really was Yang, and her given name was Chengyu. Chengyu… was it a wish for her to be like jade?

My original name was too simple; whenever I saw someone else’s name, I couldn’t help but speculate on its meaning.

I knelt down, tore open the bag, and placed a few dried plums before the grave, whispering, “I really can’t remember which kind you used to eat back then. I’ll come often from now on; I’ll buy every brand and variety, and you can take your time tasting them.”

I whispered to her, but my heart has aged; I can no longer mimic the clingy tone of a child.

She wouldn’t have liked me being too formal anyway; she had said she wanted to be my friend.

Friends are meant to part, but no matter how far they go, they still wish each other well.

If reincarnation truly exists, she should be a few years younger than me by now.

I said, “I hope you were reborn into a good family with every kind of plum imaginable to eat.”

As I spoke, I realized I had begun to choke up. I wasn’t good to her; I couldn’t treat her as just a friend because, when I was little, I had secretly regarded her as a mother.

I had so many things I wanted to say to her. I wanted to make promises and swear vows, to apologize and to repent. But now that I was here, I found I couldn’t say any of it. I was afraid she really could hear me and would then worry about me. I was also afraid she wouldn’t forgive me.

And no matter what, I could never forgive myself.

I wiped away my tears and forced myself to swallow a few times to clear my constricted throat. I didn’t want Zhang Mingsheng to watch me make a fool of myself.

So, I smiled and struck up a conversation with Zhang Mingsheng, “I remember when I was a child; she asked me what kind of life I wanted to lead. I said I wanted to be a policeman because policemen get to catch bad guys. She said being a policeman is very dangerous, and catching bad guys isn’t a ‘life.’ Back then, I didn’t understand what she meant at all.”

I heard no response for a long time. I turned my head and saw Zhang Mingsheng still standing there in silence as the wind rustling his coat.

I asked, “What about you? Once everything is over, what kind of life do you want to lead?”

“Over?” He seemed to suddenly snap out of it and met my gaze head on. “What is over?”

I turned back and used my sleeve to wipe the dust from the tombstone, saying, “I know why you suddenly bowed your head to your grandfather. After you’ve finished doing what you want to do, what kind of life do you want?”

“You seem to know everything.”

“More or less,” I said. “I can read minds, believe it or not?”

“Then you should also know what kind of life I want to lead.” Zhang Mingsheng’s voice was somewhat cold.

I froze for a moment upon hearing this, my movements slowing down, but I quickly covered it up and said, “How would I know?”

“I want to get married.” Zhang Mingsheng stood there, his voice drifting down from above. He said, “There is someone I like very much. I suspect that I am… very fond of him. And I suspect he loves me very much too.”

“I want to ask him to be my wife. We’d have two children, spaced a few years apart, each with different personalities and different favorite foods.”

I stopped my movements entirely. I remained motionless, not even lifting my head as I stalled, “Sounds nice.”

“It is nice. My wife and I share a deep fate; it’s just that he is very keen on adventure and likes to step forward to save the world.” Zhang Mingsheng’s tone didn’t change in the slightest. He continued, “However, this world has been rather average to him. He cries in his dreams, and it’s only when I hold him tight that he feels a bit better.”

My palms began to sweat as a chill ran down my spine.

Zhang Mingsheng continued, “Sometimes he wants to live, and sometimes he wants to leave entirely; he can never make a choice. I feel like I should be more forceful, but he doesn’t seem to like that. It feels as if I’m competing with the entire world for one person.”

Having finished, he finally dropped that nearly cold tone, allowing a bit of gentleness to settle into his final sentence.

He said, “You know everything, Officer Yu. What do you think I should do?”

Cold sweat had already soaked a patch of my back. My right hand tightened, gripping the knife concealed in my sleeve.

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T/N: I’m a little busy these days, so there won’t be any updates after this one. I’ll resume posting all of my projects on August 1st. Thanks for your patience, and I hope you’ll come back on August 1st!

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